Cait’s Q & A

Recently, as in yesterday, I asked all you muggles to ask questions that you would like me to answer. I got some of the the nitty gritty, the deep philosophical ones, the I can’t believe it’s not chicken ones, and just plain WTF questions. Thanks Morons, I love you all! Now, let us begin.

What is your life’s motto? Plain and simple. Just breathe. Breathing is an essential part of living, not just for us: for everything. I find breathing allows your to relax and release (both mind and body). Breathing allows you to take that next step, leap and risk. It get’s you through the days. It guides your endurance and strength. So, my friends if I have anything to say to you all it’s Just Breathe.

N E X T !!!

If life would be a tree, where would you be on it, and what would you be? Um, a stump and tick. NEXT QUESTION! Just kidding! Okay, if life was a tree I would living somewhere towards the edge of the branches, where leaves grow and fall with the seasons. On this tree I would be a leaf because they never die. I would fall onto to the ground during the autumn days, but leave my leafy imprints on the ground. I would embrace the blanket of snow, let the earth take me whole and return in the spring on the tree. The Tree of Life (clever how I fit that phrase in eh?)

N E X T !!!

Which elements represent your personality? (I.E. fire, stones, air, wood, steel etc…) I would like to be wood. Why? You burn me, I’ll keep you warm, you cut me down, I’ll build for you, protect you, plus I’m hard always (you boys know what I’m talking about). I could mount a flag, be your spear, hold your belongings, maintain electricity. Being wood I could be apart of hazel, beech, cedar, oak, cherry, I could be part of any and every tree.

HOWEVER, what I would like to be isn’t what I believe my personality to be. I believe my personality best represents water. I just go with the flow, ya know? I feel I am a bit mysterious like the ocean, but I also hold strength and endurance like the rivers. I’m also very honest and forthcoming, water eventually brings things to the surface, the shore. Like ME!

N E X T !!!

How old is your soul? OLD! I’m pretty sure my souls been around the block a few times if you know what I mean.

N E X T !!!

What is my first memory? My very first memory: I was young, not sure how old, but I was still in a crib. I had a terrible, terrible dream, which I oddly still remember ’til this day. When I woke up from this dream I was screaming and crying and shaking the bars of the crib (now I know how convicts feel, granted these piss wipes deserve a cage, usually). Anyways, as I was flipping out my dad comes in. Big, native, guy. Seemed like a giant to me at the time, came in the room, did not turn on the light and said “CAIT! BE QUIET! And with that I shut the fuck up and went to bed. It was a magical moment.

N E X T !!!

What does “I get it, French Class!” really mean? Now, this is an inside joke with the fam. And honestly I never knew the true meaning until mother dearest asked this. When I was a kid this question was equivalent to the joke Why’s a hen? Because it can’t climb a tree (Yeah, figure that one out). But to answer this question directly, it means French (kissing) class.

N E X T !!!

What is your biggest secret? I am a gay man, trapped in a women’s body. But x’ay on the bum sex’ay.

N E X T !!!

What influence did dance have on your life? It is a huge influence in my life. Dance is story and mine isn’t finished yet. (To be fully answered in a later blog).

N E X T !!!

Have you every taken a poo and thought it was so big you had to take a peek to see if it was poking out of the water? Okay, I need to answer this baby in point form.

  • Whether I think my shit is huge or not, I take a look. I ALWAYS take a peek, that way I can mentally prepare for the wipe.
  • I am secretly afraid when I feel a shit is so huge and I take a look and it’s gone. (Ghost poops).
  • I’ve had shit that coils, shit that mushes, looks like pellets, and shit that sticks out of the bowl. I’ve had green, purple, brown. Shit that’s steamy, smells like bum stink and what I call Shit Eu Du Toilet.
  • Basically, I’ve taken a shit or two in my day.
  • If it feels tiny, or big I always take a look with the hopes it’s peaking out of the water, looking back at me.

N E X T !!!

What is MMMbop? A mistake.

Thanks for all the questions friends! Hope you enjoyed this Q & A, as much as I did. Granted, I’ve had better!

Mahalo!

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The Bloody Truth

There is nothing in this world I despise more than the one thing that makes me a woman. P E R I O D S! (Well, I despise Cher and the wanker who invented the baby mop more, but for the sake of this blog) P E R I O D S, FUCK YOU!

Now, every lady’s experience with the crimson river is different, but I’m betting pesos it ain’t all fine and dandy. Gentlemen, you are blessed with two things. Ball and Cock. Granted, I am sure your jewels dangle too and fro, which can not be all that comfy, but us ladies have a vagina. Yes, I love my clam, but with every clam is some chowder and not always the lubey kind. 

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Vagina’s clean themselves, and do so by letting the goo ooze out, sometimes red wine, sometime white. Boys, got the ball stink, but with some baby powder and a spray of Febreeze they are good to go. We need to wipe our baby maker clean, get into the creases, trim or wax the nether regions to make sure she is sparkling gold.

Periods, ain’t no icing on the cake. I swear God hates us! (Definitely hates my savage beast ass for sure).

The first time I got my period I was 13 years old (grade 8). I woke and went to the loo and looked in my panties. There, I saw dribblets of blood. I just thought I cut myself grooming the kitty. I changed my underwear and continued my day. Around 11 am, when I take more morning shit, I sat on the porcelain and noticed some more red drops. That’s when I clued in, I’m cursed, God has it out for me, I need to go to church or whip myself or something. 

For two years after that, I padded myself up (was not at the tampon stage quite yet). I resented every moment Aunt Flo was visiting. Yes, it was once a month for about a week, but it was terrible. I would rather butt chug egg yoke then see Aunt Flo.Image

I personally made it my mission to find a way to keep my beaver damn closed. Obviously, I failed. The only way to stop your period from flowing is to A) get preggerz or B) menopause. Ya, um out of question for me.

When I was in high school however, my hate for the painters subsided. Reason being, when you are a little prostitot your period is your best friend, well more like you frienemy and here is why. {SIDE NOTE: I was at the tampon stage by now}

Friend: Because you are not pregnant.

Enemy: She cramps your belly and back. I’m not talking I need to fart kind of cramp. I’m talking hot, punches to your mid-drift and back side. 

Friend: Because you are not pregnant.

Enemy: Your jubbilies are crying. They are sore and tender and all they want is to be left the fuck alone, in a nice sports bra. Booby pain, is not good pain.

Friend: Because you are not pregnant.

Enemy: PMS!

Friend: Because you are not pregnant.

Enemy: When a dude doesn’t want to break your beaver dam and let the waters run free, he plugs up the other side. Two plugs, one girl. OH HELL NO!

Friend: Because you are not pregnant.

Enemy: Bloating. ‘Nuff said.

Friend: Because you are not pregnant.

Enemy: Some people will think you eat to many chocolate bars.

Friend: Because you are not pregnant.

Enemy: Rags are expensive.

Frienemy for fucking sure. 

Currently, my thoughts on periods are essentially the same. Not a fan. After all, who would be a fan of bloody uterus lining eroded from a gal’s piss flaps. That my friends is the bloody truth.

Perks of a Personal Trainer

You hear it time and time again. My New Years Resolution this year will be to lose weight or get in shape. Every year you say it, but you’re a lazy fuckwad. I say if you are that lazy you might as well make a New Years Resolution to shit McMuffins or sweat out tar. Come on folks, less talking more walking.

Last year, my resolution was to be happy. I know, I know, super cheesy and was I happy all the time? HELL NO! But I felt the need to really invest in myself (I strongly suggest everyone should do this). This is not to say I didn’t give a damn about my well-being before hand. I did, but I did so in ways that were not conducive to my health (perhaps something I may mention in later blogs). So naturally focusing on myself I signed up for a gym membership, started taking yoga, zumba and one of my besties enrolled in school to become a personal trainer. Talk about perfect timing.

So for all of last year (2012) I went to the gym as often as I could and believe me it was not always easy. I literally forced myself to go sometimes, even if I was only their for 15 mins. Luckily, there were quite a bit of fitness classes during the week that I was able to attend. This definitely made it easier on me. On Saturday mornings, I do a 2 1/2 hour workout with a crazy ass old lady who I swear does a rail Saturday mornings before class. I don’t know about you, but it’s people like that who make me want to go to class and work the fuck out. Because I once upon a time was a dancer, I bought/downloaded cardio dance workout videos, so I could shake my booty at home. But it’s not always this easy for everyone, it wasn’t always easy for me.

This year, I had five New Year Resolution and if I remember correctly, making my farts smell like pickles beat out being happy. Why? Because I am happier, now. Why am I happier now? I have a personal trainer. As fate would have it my lovely friend is now a certified personal trainer and I call DIBS!

Jillian Michaels, watch the fuck out! (Just kidding, I love you, but I love my friend more!)

We meet once a week for training. She sets out a plan for me that day, and sets out a plan for me for a week. Every week it changes. Believe it or not it is awesome. I was never a fan of homework, but this stuff is worth it. I can honestly say I don’t think I have ever been more excited for homework, especially since it is working out.

Perks of having a Personal Trainer:

  • The give you a new and different way to work out. One day they may show you how to work on your thighs, and the next time you see them they can show you another way to work them out. Variety is key in keeping up with exercising.
  • They show you how to do exercise properly. I don’t know how many times I have gone to the gym and seen people violating the lat machines or humping the benches (no joke). Knowing how to exercise will educate you and keep your body safe. Plus also, not make you look like a tool at the gym.
  • They are time savvy! Its not the length of a workout session that determines your calorie burn or value, but its how you work out. They help you get the most out of your workouts. Trainers can intensify your workouts and push you to your limits. 
  • Not only can they physically push you, they’ll mentally push you. They may even push you to the point where you are crying, laughing or want to bitch-slap them across the face. But its all in the process and trust me it feels so good, hurts so good and all so good.
  • Because you are investing in a personal trainer, you will never want to ditch an appointment with them. Why? Because that’s money down the drain for you, time wasted for them and I swear to God they’ll rape the fuck out of you the next time they see you! DON’T DO IT!!!
  • The most beneficial perk (in my opinion) is their encouragement and motivation. You may be paying the bill, but they are genuinely investing in you. They want you to succeed, have a killer bod and well healthy lifestyle.

I’m telling you folks, INVEST IN YOURSELVES! GET A PERSONAL TRAINER OR LIFE COACH OR SOMETHING. EVEN A HOOKER FOR ALL I CARE! Put yourself first, and doing that it usually starts with your body, mind and spirit!

PS vancityfit.wordpress.com This is my Jillian Michaels! I may let you borrow her. If you are in the Vancouver or tri-cities area you are welcome!

Cait’s Top Ten for 2013

Shit: Ev-er-y-day! You need to let your shit air out, literally! Constipation is the worse,  you feel like someone is butt plugging you the entire time. It’s not a good feeling. I recommend eating food with fiber (dragonfruit, Fiber 1 bars, carrot muffins etc), take the occasionally laxative and sit on that porcelain baby,  {Side Note: Baby wipes do wonders, they clean that shit up and make sure you aren’t trailing around skiddies in your underwear}.

Currency: No, the world did not end in 2012, that doesn’t mean don’t ever be prepared. Think about it, North Korea is playing their dirty war games, zombies could actually happen and we are one step away from being taking over from cyborgs and robots. I’ve been collecting bottle caps, since 2011. You never know when these babies will save our lives come fallout.

Workout: Get in fucking shape or at least shave off a few pounds. I’m not some superficial cunt, so don’t worry I like my men roly poly anyways, I’m just trying to help you douches out! If zombies take over, you fat fucks will be left for dead. If you are stranded in the mountains because a plan crashed full of soccer players, you are getting BBQ’d first! Plus, if you get your ass in shape, the sex is phenomenal, face it, nobody wants to search a persons body for their dirty pillows.

KO’s: Some people need to be knocked the fuck out. This year, do it! A dose of reality and pain is a good thing. However, if I see you swinging your furry palms towards me, I’ll castrate your ass, and stuff your balls in your mouth. So back the fuck up!

Friends: Know the difference between your friends, companions, fuck buddies, lovers, and co-workers. Having them all mushed together is a terrible orgy and finding out where things end and begin is a major hassle. Friends are lifers, no matter how unfortunate that is for them,

Honesty: Those of you who know me are aware I am a very honest person. Honesty is key in everything.

Sex: Just have sexy time more, even if you are single or lost your genitals. Do it! It feels fantastic! There is nothing like bumping your naughty bits (whether against your hand, more naughty bits or a wall).

Water: Nothing like high quality H2O. Drink it, love it! Pee it out!

Adam Carolla: Mandatory Mangria! He is fucking funny. He makes you feel like ass meat and it’s delicious! Giggles are needed in life, it lets people know you are human.

Video Games: They will save your life. If there is anything videos games taught me it’s stay on the path. Once you go off those pathways you are in for major damage. You never know when a Boomer or Super Mutant is around the corner.

My Very First

Valentine’s Day is today…(sorry… just puked in my mouth a little, I do that a lot when I am completely grossed out by the commercialization of love and spending money on red and pink stuffies).

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Anywho! With February 14th being V-a-l-e-n-t-i-n-e-‘s D-a-y and seeing young prost-tots and frankie’s snogging, carrying weeds and balloons, reminds me of the my very first “open mouth kiss”. (PS- Mom, Dad? Ya, stop reading now.)

Grade 5, at a birthday party. We were playing strip poker and watching some french pornographic TV show entitled Bleu Nuit (wait, was that the…..no ya, that’s right grade 5). After getting naked, like a lot of young kids do and discussing about our first pubes, we put our skivvies and toques (Canadian remember)  back on and the games into adulthood began!

At this party there were about 9-12 girls and 2 boys. I promise you, I never will complain about too much sausage in the room, because when you have a party with too many clams, well it’s get a little…..fishy, ya know? 

Anyways, so we were young, curious and horny little twats and what better game to play then Spin The Bottle. I was fortunate to not only land on the boy scouts, but to land on the one I had a fancy for. I landed on him several times in fact (but that was later on in life). At first we were just firing off quick little smooches, then as the night went on, are smooches turn into slobber fests!

I started to panic. I didn’t want to play anymore because I had never kissed a boy like that. In fact I had no idea that was how you were supposed to kiss. What I saw in movies had been wrong all along!!! I thought you open your mouth, puff out your cheeks and hum. No joke! So when I spun the bottle it landed right on my crush. SHIT!

Heart was beating. Armpits sweating. I dribbled in my pants, just a little. He closed his eyes, I kept mine open. And then he puckered out his lips, it was so beautiful. I put mine to his, and hummed in his mouth. I hummed the shit out of him. He tried to move his tongue, but it grossed me out. It reminded me of some poor lil’ Lassie dog licking his balls. I think we were both grossed out by each others kisses. Ugh….

For days after, classmates were talking and saying we loved each other and we french kissed all night and yada yada yada. I cried for days! And it wasn’t because of the kids, it was because I realized, when I left that party in the early morning, experiencing my first walk of shame, that I had kissed a boy, with tongue, and I could be pregnant.

And that my friends is the story of how I lost my virginity!

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY, YOU FILTHY ANIMALS!

Game-her!

There is nothing like the feeling of a smooth joystick between my fingers, up and down, in and out, side to side. No! You sick fucks, I ain’t talking about a man’s meat pipe. I’ll give you a hint; this hard object allows me to push its buttons just right. It’s a reason why my carpel tunnel keeps popping up, well that and masturbating of course. Any guesses?

Video games, turns me on, their controllers lets me turn them on. A perfect match.

Now I know what you’re thinking, and there are quite a few things you could be thinking. Either I’m a dude pretending to be chick so I can get a sugar daddy that can take me through Azeroth, I’m an emotionally and socially challenged individual, I’m pretending to be a gamer when really I just enjoy Tiny Wings and Kirby’s Dream Land or NO WAY!!! An actually gamer with some T&A.

Guess what!?!

I’m the real frikk’n deal. I love the fact that I am a chick who loves to play some vids. Surrounding myself with trey cool nerds and hawt gamer men is a favourite past time of mine. However, I have to mention I strongly dislike the term “girl gamer” and/or “gamer chick”. Yes, I am I have a vulva, and yes I love them games, but I prefer the term AWESOME! Just kidding, gamer works just fine (Gamer tag= CaitSith).

Being a gamer with boobies definitely has its advantages. For example; my sugar daddy’s in WoW spoil the shit out of my blood elf shadow priest, shaman Draenei and brewmaster of a Panda. They buy my mounts, complete my quests and all I have to do is perform a little tongue and cheek under the bridge of Stormwind City.

Great thing about shooters, those boys underestimate the fuck out of us ladies. Yeah sure, you’ll have to deal with some harassment, but after shooting off their heads with a tac-45 or a M1014 it’s worth it. (I, myself prefer the shotty’s, they give me more control, plus my aim is golden, Ponyboy.)

When it comes to games with intense riddles like Silent Hill I think we have a head start. Forgive me if I am wrong (I assure you I am not wrong), but I find us ladies are great problem solvers. At least I am, I raped Silent Hill Downpour in four days and that was killer.

BONUS! Walking into EB Games is the best thing ever and not nearly as creepy as walking into comic book stores. Last month I went in there for one game, went into the huge ass line, and 4 out of the 5 employees already grabbed my game from the back and moved me to the front of the line without me even saying a word to them. To add to it, I got an employee discount and I don’t even work there. I’ll have you know 4 out of the 5 employees working that day were males.  T&A baby T&FUCK’NA!

I’ve been very fortunate to be able to date a gamer. In fact the majority of our arguing and bickering is because of gaming (not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing yet).  Thank gawd; we got two rooms, with two TV’s, and tons of gaming systems. We also have different gaming styles for the most part, which is awesome because we always have a game each to entertain us. Another bonus feature of dating a gamer is the stakes are high, as in If i kill more zombies that you I get a handy, if you kill more you get a BJ, or if Peach kills Mario, but Mario kills Kirby first remove one article of clothing (I think you see where I am going with this.)

Recently, I just finished Dishonored, which if you haven’t played it yet, shut the front door and play her. She’s short, sweet and beautiful. The reply value is ridiculous and you get your money’s worth for sure.

Currently, I’m not really feeling anything right now. I usually go through this phase once year. I think it’s good because it gives me a life for a little while, that is of course when I am not playing Sims.

PS: Just a general note to those EB Gamer Employees with vaginas. I can’t stand you. Half of you are just putting on a persona you know nothing about, the other half are flaky fucks. I’m sure there are a few of you out there who are authentic, but few and very far between.

BJ’S And Book Deals

Since my recent interest in posting all of my writings via blog, a great concern has come up. Who do I need to blow to get a book deal? 

Lets go down the list shall we:

Stephen King: The Shining, Salem’s Lot, The Green Mile, Thinner, Carrie and blah blah fucking blah. I have to admit, I am definitely not a fan of this old fuck (my mother would kill me for saying that, she loves her some Stephen King). I love me some real writers. Plus, face it, giving head to an old geezer like him would be a lot of work getting her up. Not to mention thinking of his ball stink, makes me want to vomit. So when it comes to Stephen King I’ll pass.

R.L Stine: First off, he gives me goosebumps and not in a good way. On top of that he looks like a muppet. R.L. Stine Muppet, no thanks.

Nicholas Sparks: Don’t even get me started. This sappy fuck is unbelievable. He is so cheezy and romantic, I’d rather sniff a bag of dirty old assholes, than blow this cunt. That’s what he is too, a cunt. His books are so unrealistic and flaky. I’m sorry but who enjoys lying in the fucking street watching the traffic lights change? And I’d hate to admit it, but if my honey bunny lost his memory when we are both old fucks, I’d leave him or at least keep some dessert on the side, and I would definitely not read him a diary everyday. Nor do I think someone would ever say I’ll play with you as long as you promise not to fall in love with me, and then some pansy-ass cracker does. He puts so much pressure on the men in our lives that he needs to leave the pressure for us gals to put on the men. Therefore, Nicholas Sparks grow some balls. So, no.

Who wrote the Bible? I think I need to blow them, or at least their next of kin.

Mel Gibson: (I think he is the closest to the next of kin). Ya, I’d blow him. I’m pretty sure though he would end up slapping me with his purple warrior head and start slurring at my ‘Jewish’-ness (I’m native by the way). He looks constipated all the time, which is kind of sexy. Ya I’d blow Mel Gibson (check), as long as he uses a beaver for his hand. However, I have a feeling he would not give me a book deal, and instead just burn my fucking house down. Eeeesh!!!! Mel Gibson, no.

Although I do not intend to blow Mel Gibson anymore, I will instead use his name for my book. “Mel Gibson’s Masturbation Thesaurus”.  However, I will have to get it backed up by a ninja or something so he doesn’t twist my nipples……….

CHUCK NORRIS!

This is perfect. I am officially a genius.

I’ll dedicate this book to Phil Collins, because I Don’t Care Anymore.

Please, stay tuned to your nearest Chapters and used book stores for the finest toilet reader to hit the stands

every-time-you-masturbate-chuck-norris

Mel Gibson’s Masturbation Thesaurus

Written by Yours Truly

Dedicated to Phil Collins

This Message is Chuck Norris APPROVED!!