The other night, around twelve AM, I crawled my ass into bed.
In bed, I removed my shirt (I let my girls be free), I turned on the heated mattress (that’s right, heated mattress.) The only issue with having a heated mattress, is the sweat stains are massive. I’m pretty sure a whole bottle of Shout or Tide will be raped by these stains. Just thought you all should know.
Anyway, I grab a pillow, but it between my legs and my legs cuddle the fuck out of that pillow. I mean really, damn thing is flat as a pancake now (I think I’ll give it to my man from now on).
Lying on my side, pillow between my legs, my honey bunny cuddles me. Now, those of you who know me, bed wise. When I am about to enter my slumber world of Obi-wan Kenobi and Mexicans in Speedos, don’t fucking cuddle me. Don’t touch me, breath on me, don’t nothing. Unless, you willing to kneed your pretty paws into my sacrum, just don’t.
So he’s cuddling me, I’m cuddling the pillow and something pokes me in the back side. Yup, that’s the something I’m talking about.
Two thoughts entered my mind:
Dilemma, I know. I don’t want to brush my crotch waffle against his business downtown. You see, on one hand, if I ask him to pay me 10$, well I get 10$. I would also feel like a hooker, and feeling like a hooker, you pretty much are a hooker, and that my friends is a slippery slope to go down. On top of that, i just realized in my head, that I put my worth as 10$. My money maker is at least worth 10$ plus a high five. On the other hand, if I dish out my goods for free, I’m being a loyal girlfriend. Who is having sexy time on his terms, not mine. (I don’t like that).
So what do I do? What will Cait do, to get out of this sinful lovey lovey.
I performed a Dutch Oven. That’s right, me being the most lady-like of all ladies, farted, pulled the covers over his head and said “Goodnight”.
Believe or not. It worked. So all you ladies and all you non-ladies, or half ladies or whatever the fuck you are, when you don’t want to bury your man’s boner, let one rip. Just a little.