Excuse Me While I Puke

Please grab me a bucket or a paper bag or something to vomit the last remains of this food into. I feel pregnant food poisoned. I can not, and will not, eat ever again at a Buffet. Sorry the curly pubes, salmonella egg salad, and green boogies floating around on these things does not say “EAT ME!” Instead it says “BARF, then BARF again”!

I don’t understand why buffets exist. I don’t. They should be banned. Or at least restricted to prisons.

Instead of bashing these buffets in the balls, I decided I will write some Buffet Etiquette. Let’s face it, these buffet fuckers will be around for awhile, they might as well learn some manners while their at it.

  • Wash up, Buttercup. Pretty self-explanatory. Wash your fuck’n hands you Mongroids! 
  • Don’t share your hair. Tie those bad boys up, wear a hair net, bonnet, hat, headband, ski mask, I don’t fucking care, just get those fuckers out of the way. Shave or cut your hair if you have too. Nothing worse then seeing “Hair of Beard” in your waffles.
  • Use the tools. Those damn tong things are there for a reason. To grab your food. Use it, learn it, love it, live it. I swear to god if I catch you sticking your skinned digits in the salad I’ll slap you with a salmon, no joke.
  • Line Up. If there is a line, stay in it. When your running around trying to grab the last sausage link or prawns or whatever the fuck, its annoying, confusing, rude, and quite frankly I don’t like it.

Probably, the best tip I can give you about buffets. Is avoid them like the fucking plague. Unless you feel like hugging some good old porcelain for a night, avoid that shit.

Speaking of shit….I gotta go.


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