The Split-Finger Handshake

Why are people so ashamed, embarrassed, and disgusted with the idea of masturbation? Now, this of course is not everyone, myself included. I love killing the kitten once in awhile. Am I going to announce it to the world? No, probably not (aside from this blog of course). Do I speak about masturbation to my gal pals and bro hoes, I sure do. Am I ashamed? No. Embarrassed? No. Are they disgusted? Sometimes. But whats a lady to do?

Everybody does it! Guaranteed people are just pretending that they don’t enjoy joshing one off. They pretend that banging Pedro is so uncouth that they deny their alone time fist rocketing. {Side Note:} Chances are they are listening to Lionel Richie (always Lionel Richie).

So what is the big deal? Really? Look at it this way, I hope this will enlighten you all.

  • If you believe in He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, ahem… God, then think of it this way. Masturbation is what Jesus is to the cross, it gets you nailed.
  • Those of you who are logical, we have hands for a reason, and no they are not for high-fives.
  • All you science nerds people out there, I’ll have you know it lowers your chances of prostate cancer.
  • For both the men and the ladies, it cleans out your plumbing. Clean and simple.
  • Basic training for the boys. Face it, premature ejaculation is not going to help you get your freak on with dignity. (Boys remember her pleasure is your pleasure- from now on that should be your motto, if its not gofuckyourself, literally)
  • Relieves stress and anxiety.
  • Knocks you out after a hard days work. (PS masturbating all day is a hard days work).
  • For our crazy hypochondriacs roaming the world. Masturbation will leave you STD/STI free, that is of course you don’t already have one (that’s right I’m talking about Bed Bugs).
  • No baby’s gonna be popping up in 9 months time.
  • All you couples who can’t stand being away from one another. Spank your sister in front of your lover, or spank each others sister.
  • All you athlete’s, be like Nike and JUST DO IT!

If this isn’t reason enough to tenderize your meat, than the only logical explanation is you are an a-sexual sponge or Justin Bieber.

Whatever you call it, tickling your pickle, greasing your hips, rubbing one out, releasing the spit, pocket pooling, flicking the bean, taming the shrew, cunt cuddling, beating the beaver, humping your first, jazzing your self, whatever the fuck. It is completely natural and feels good. And it’s good for you.

Now, excuse while I go and squeeze the peach.

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One thought on “The Split-Finger Handshake

  1. So true, and i have no idea why its so taboo to most people. Love the writing, very funny and usually sexy which i don’t know if it just seems that way because you’re hot or it just reads that way. Either way, your blog makes me smile, laugh, and nod my head in agreement. Keep it up, i look forward to the next peak into your mind.

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