BJ’S And Book Deals

Since my recent interest in posting all of my writings via blog, a great concern has come up. Who do I need to blow to get a book deal? 

Lets go down the list shall we:

Stephen King: The Shining, Salem’s Lot, The Green Mile, Thinner, Carrie and blah blah fucking blah. I have to admit, I am definitely not a fan of this old fuck (my mother would kill me for saying that, she loves her some Stephen King). I love me some real writers. Plus, face it, giving head to an old geezer like him would be a lot of work getting her up. Not to mention thinking of his ball stink, makes me want to vomit. So when it comes to Stephen King I’ll pass.

R.L Stine: First off, he gives me goosebumps and not in a good way. On top of that he looks like a muppet. R.L. Stine Muppet, no thanks.

Nicholas Sparks: Don’t even get me started. This sappy fuck is unbelievable. He is so cheezy and romantic, I’d rather sniff a bag of dirty old assholes, than blow this cunt. That’s what he is too, a cunt. His books are so unrealistic and flaky. I’m sorry but who enjoys lying in the fucking street watching the traffic lights change? And I’d hate to admit it, but if my honey bunny lost his memory when we are both old fucks, I’d leave him or at least keep some dessert on the side, and I would definitely not read him a diary everyday. Nor do I think someone would ever say I’ll play with you as long as you promise not to fall in love with me, and then some pansy-ass cracker does. He puts so much pressure on the men in our lives that he needs to leave the pressure for us gals to put on the men. Therefore, Nicholas Sparks grow some balls. So, no.

Who wrote the Bible? I think I need to blow them, or at least their next of kin.

Mel Gibson: (I think he is the closest to the next of kin). Ya, I’d blow him. I’m pretty sure though he would end up slapping me with his purple warrior head and start slurring at my ‘Jewish’-ness (I’m native by the way). He looks constipated all the time, which is kind of sexy. Ya I’d blow Mel Gibson (check), as long as he uses a beaver for his hand. However, I have a feeling he would not give me a book deal, and instead just burn my fucking house down. Eeeesh!!!! Mel Gibson, no.

Although I do not intend to blow Mel Gibson anymore, I will instead use his name for my book. “Mel Gibson’s Masturbation Thesaurus”.  However, I will have to get it backed up by a ninja or something so he doesn’t twist my nipples……….


This is perfect. I am officially a genius.

I’ll dedicate this book to Phil Collins, because I Don’t Care Anymore.

Please, stay tuned to your nearest Chapters and used book stores for the finest toilet reader to hit the stands


Mel Gibson’s Masturbation Thesaurus

Written by Yours Truly

Dedicated to Phil Collins

This Message is Chuck Norris APPROVED!!


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