Cait’s Top Ten for 2013

Shit: Ev-er-y-day! You need to let your shit air out, literally! Constipation is the worse,  you feel like someone is butt plugging you the entire time. It’s not a good feeling. I recommend eating food with fiber (dragonfruit, Fiber 1 bars, carrot muffins etc), take the occasionally laxative and sit on that porcelain baby,  {Side Note: Baby wipes do wonders, they clean that shit up and make sure you aren’t trailing around skiddies in your underwear}.

Currency: No, the world did not end in 2012, that doesn’t mean don’t ever be prepared. Think about it, North Korea is playing their dirty war games, zombies could actually happen and we are one step away from being taking over from cyborgs and robots. I’ve been collecting bottle caps, since 2011. You never know when these babies will save our lives come fallout.

Workout: Get in fucking shape or at least shave off a few pounds. I’m not some superficial cunt, so don’t worry I like my men roly poly anyways, I’m just trying to help you douches out! If zombies take over, you fat fucks will be left for dead. If you are stranded in the mountains because a plan crashed full of soccer players, you are getting BBQ’d first! Plus, if you get your ass in shape, the sex is phenomenal, face it, nobody wants to search a persons body for their dirty pillows.

KO’s: Some people need to be knocked the fuck out. This year, do it! A dose of reality and pain is a good thing. However, if I see you swinging your furry palms towards me, I’ll castrate your ass, and stuff your balls in your mouth. So back the fuck up!

Friends: Know the difference between your friends, companions, fuck buddies, lovers, and co-workers. Having them all mushed together is a terrible orgy and finding out where things end and begin is a major hassle. Friends are lifers, no matter how unfortunate that is for them,

Honesty: Those of you who know me are aware I am a very honest person. Honesty is key in everything.

Sex: Just have sexy time more, even if you are single or lost your genitals. Do it! It feels fantastic! There is nothing like bumping your naughty bits (whether against your hand, more naughty bits or a wall).

Water: Nothing like high quality H2O. Drink it, love it! Pee it out!

Adam Carolla: Mandatory Mangria! He is fucking funny. He makes you feel like ass meat and it’s delicious! Giggles are needed in life, it lets people know you are human.

Video Games: They will save your life. If there is anything videos games taught me it’s stay on the path. Once you go off those pathways you are in for major damage. You never know when a Boomer or Super Mutant is around the corner.

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