My Very First

Valentine’s Day is today…(sorry… just puked in my mouth a little, I do that a lot when I am completely grossed out by the commercialization of love and spending money on red and pink stuffies).

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Anywho! With February 14th being V-a-l-e-n-t-i-n-e-‘s D-a-y and seeing young prost-tots and frankie’s snogging, carrying weeds and balloons, reminds me of the my very first “open mouth kiss”. (PS- Mom, Dad? Ya, stop reading now.)

Grade 5, at a birthday party. We were playing strip poker and watching some french pornographic TV show entitled Bleu Nuit (wait, was that the…..no ya, that’s right grade 5). After getting naked, like a lot of young kids do and discussing about our first pubes, we put our skivvies and toques (Canadian remember)  back on and the games into adulthood began!

At this party there were about 9-12 girls and 2 boys. I promise you, I never will complain about too much sausage in the room, because when you have a party with too many clams, well it’s get a little…..fishy, ya know? 

Anyways, so we were young, curious and horny little twats and what better game to play then Spin The Bottle. I was fortunate to not only land on the boy scouts, but to land on the one I had a fancy for. I landed on him several times in fact (but that was later on in life). At first we were just firing off quick little smooches, then as the night went on, are smooches turn into slobber fests!

I started to panic. I didn’t want to play anymore because I had never kissed a boy like that. In fact I had no idea that was how you were supposed to kiss. What I saw in movies had been wrong all along!!! I thought you open your mouth, puff out your cheeks and hum. No joke! So when I spun the bottle it landed right on my crush. SHIT!

Heart was beating. Armpits sweating. I dribbled in my pants, just a little. He closed his eyes, I kept mine open. And then he puckered out his lips, it was so beautiful. I put mine to his, and hummed in his mouth. I hummed the shit out of him. He tried to move his tongue, but it grossed me out. It reminded me of some poor lil’ Lassie dog licking his balls. I think we were both grossed out by each others kisses. Ugh….

For days after, classmates were talking and saying we loved each other and we french kissed all night and yada yada yada. I cried for days! And it wasn’t because of the kids, it was because I realized, when I left that party in the early morning, experiencing my first walk of shame, that I had kissed a boy, with tongue, and I could be pregnant.

And that my friends is the story of how I lost my virginity!

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY, YOU FILTHY ANIMALS!

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