Tuesday, February 26th, approximately 7:00 PM.
One of my endeavors I’ve been currently implementing into my life for 2013 is swimming laps on a weekly basis. Being fitness focused, I figured the more different workouts I do, the more diverse my body will become, as well as the more, toned and firm. (And ladies them boys like it that way).
The great thing about swimming laps, is can you go at your own pace, choosing the lane that best suits you. The unfortunate thing about the pool I go to is they have their fast lanes and moderate, no in between, which means I have the choice of what I like to call the hardcore butterfliers and the short bus lane, I’m on the short bus in this case. Being in this special lane, means that there will be some, ‘slow’er people swimming, and some ‘normal’ swimmers, like ME!
On this night, I was in a lane with two large females. These large females were not related (I realized that night that not all fat people are related), they were not social buddies or co-workers or nothing. There was no relation between them whatsoever. One of these ladies, (who I will call Marge), literally swam in the middle of the not so big lane. Every time I would pass her, she would rumpus me over to the lane divider. Not cool, Marge! Definitely not cool! The other lady, (let us call her the FurBurgler), would swim a lap every 5-10 minutes, waiting and watching at the end of the lanes. Every time I finished a lap she would smile, throw out some positive words of encouragement and continue being a bump in the lane. (FYI FurBurgler, I get my dosage of Dr. Phil I do not need your words of encouragement).
After my laps, I venture to the sauna, and already in the sauna was FurBurgler. Not biggy. She smiled at me, and using my peripherals I chose to sit next to the sack of old men. Keeping my distance from this whale of a woman, I closed my eyes most of the time to avoid eye contact with her whatsoever. Eventually, I stroke up a conversation with some of the old fucks and she left shortly after.
After the sauna, I ventured to the hot tub. No FurBurgler was found. Cool.
As I headed into the change rooms, I saw Furburgler in the showers, still wearing her bathing suit. I walked passed as quickly as I could to go open my locker, grab my soap on a rope and conditioner and headed for the showers. (I was not excited at this point). There were no other people in the showers, but FurBurgler and myself. Now, I am one of the people that does not get full on naked in the showers in public; I don’t do those nudey shows. I have no issues with other people getting naked, but it quite simply ain’t my thing, I may time to time show my boobies, but that’s because they are perky and I like them.
I’m in the shower. FurBurgler, is across from me, smiling (CREEP!) She slowly takes off her swimsuit, I look away and puke in my mouth. GROSS! The last thing I want to see is some fat ladies raison cleft and Danny Devitos. I finish, quickly!!!
I head back to my locker, which is way on the other side of the change room. I start to pull my clothes out, take off my swimsuit, yadda yadda, and who comes around the corner, but big old fat! FURBURGLER! She has a whole bag of her clothes and what have you, apparently it was so busy where her locker was, she decided that this aisle of lockers there would be nobody. WRONG! You rug muncher! I’m here! I’m fucking here! Of course, I did not say this out loud, but inside I was freaking out. Be cool Cait, be calm. I asked myself what a buddy of mine would do….ya don’t ever do that FYI it will be the wrong fucking answer.
FurBurgler tries to make small talk with me; I just nod or shake my head, avoiding eye contact, one word answers.
FurBurgler: Do you come here often?
FurBurgler: I like your swimsuit, where did you get it?
Me: The store.
FurBurgler: I love it here! So many people, the girls here are nice.
Me: (No answer.)
FurBurgler: I forgot my moisturizer, can I borrow yours?
Me: (I slide it over, no answer).
FurBurgler: I like your boots!
Me: Me too.
FurBurgler: Where did you get them?
Me: The store.
This pretty much sums up one of the most awkward conversations of my life. To add to this awkwardness, FurBurgler would do things like, take her bra off and on, keep looking over, totally checking me out I know it! I won’t lie I figure if this lip licker is into me, I’ll give her a little show. So I exposed my breasts, naturally! And as I did that she took off her pants, which was weird, really fucking weird. So I put my top on super fast! My gayder was bleeping, going completely haywire. I’M OUT!
I would just like to say, I am not homophobic. I am also not gay. Therefore, if a gay person hits on me, I’m not cool with that. LES BE HONEST HERE! Don’t look at me, don’t touch me, don’t be all lesbian on me. I went through that phase, I tried the Clam Chowder and I didn’t like it, that part of me died. It’s dead. Gone. Te-nush!
The big question: will I be swimming laps again? Yes, but I’m thinking maybe the short bus lane isn’t for me anymore.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.