Sandy Sweet Dreams

A couple weeks ago I had the worst nightmare in the ENTIRE WORLD! Please let me exaggerate on this one.

In my dream, WAIT! HOLD ON! I got a beef to pick with Mr. Sandman here. Sandman or Sandy (as I call him), is supposed to make you fall into your sweet, sweet Slumber Land, giving you happy dreams of unicorns and Obi-wan Kenobi’s slaying Care Bears with his giant Jedi lightsaber. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED SANDY! Apparently, he decided to take a night off…meh who can blame the lazy fucker anyways

So with Sandy pushing my needs aside, my subconscious took over. (By the way subconscious-Fuck you, your drunk)

My Dream:

ImageThere is me, with a big belly. Like big enough to knock a mother fucker out. I’m wearing no make up. I’m in a hospital. My boyfriend is there. He tells me I am pregnant. I freak out, because I didn’t even know I was knocked up.Plus I’ve been killing it at the gym and now all those ass-kicking moments of me staring into the mirror while I lift my 2lbs of weights is wasted. Now,I got a big ass belly and an alien is just about to burst through my loins. (fuck you loins, fuck you baby alien).  I’m determined to go natural (fml). Nothing is making sense. Swiftly and without much pain, I release the beast from my gaping vagina. Pick up this kid which squirts blood all over my face. SHIT JUST GOT REAL! Then…..

I wake the fuck up!

No, shitheads, I’m not pregnant and I don’t plan on shitting out kids anytime in the near Imagefuture. But this so-called dream freaked me the fuck out. I wish I was officially afraid of the cock. I don’t need no seed implanting itself into my watering hole. However, I realize this cannot be so, as I need my daily dosage of my man’s cum gun. (Yasmin you’ve been good to me so far, don’t let there be a Mr. 1%).

I know I’m dramatic. But I’m an actor, what do you expect.

Anyways, whenever I have a dream and/or nightmare that sticks out in my mind, I have a tendency to dwell on the nightly visions until I look them up, either that or speak to my psychic Ima FulloShyt. So since it has been a couple weeks since this dream and Ima FulloShyt is out of town, I pulled out the old dream dictionary, (by pulled out, I mean I Googled)

***

Here are my findings:

If you dream you are pregnant it symbolizes:

You’re growing and developing. (Um no shit Sherlock, I’m on my way to menopausal.)

The birth of a new idea. (Yeah, I got some ideas, but I’m too retro for new ideas.)

If you dream of giving birth it symbolizes:

Fresh beginnings. (No matter how fresh beginnings are, they will never be as fresh as my farts or my vagina.)

Anticipation or anxiety when thinking about birth. (No really? I always thought giving birth would feel like 10 Asian oiling up my body for a shiatsu massage, plus the possibility of finally having a wide set vagina really makes me want to baby make like Easy Bake)

If you see a baby in your dream it symbolizes:

The pure, vulnerable and non-corrupt side of yourself. (Could I really be a virgin?)

***

ALRIGHT! Enough of this Dreamology crap.  From now on, I’ll be sleeping with a dream catcher under my pillow, blankets between my legs, and I’ll make sure to take a shot of some illegal knockyouthefuckout through a tranquilizer dart to fill my head with happy thoughts before I hit the bed. Either that or masturbate (nothing like a good workout before bed).

 

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10 Ways to Rid Yourself of a Terrible Roommate Experience

Hey folks! Before I lived with my man-child, I lived with a crazy ass flat mate. Was she legit psycho? No! But she was fucking bonkers, to top it off she was not the most hygienic of flat mates either. At first everything was cool, we lived out of boxes, we went Dutch on some appliances and the TV, she gave me the bigger room which gave her major points in my book. But all this Cosby love went sour as the years went on. She began showing her true colours by leaving rags all over (not your typical cleaning kind), never took the garbage out, never did dishes, and hogged the living room and whathaveyou. We lived together for about 2 years before she graduated and I hit the town running! She was my first and worst! After this I went solo for a bit and was never happier. So I’ve decided in reminiscing about the past flat mate experience to dice up some helpful tips to rid yourselves of a terrible, sloppy ass mother fucking roommate experience. Whether they are clingy, lazy, virgins, Jews, freaks of nature or whatever the fuck, these pointers will get those fuckers the fuck out!

Before I divulge my words of wisdom I would just like to say: YOU’RE WELCOME!

1)      Before you move in with a potential roomie make sure you know who the fuck they are. I ‘knew’ my roommate through university. Our first year we lived on the same floor in the dorm, and we were a part of the same clubs. Basically friends of convenient circumstance. If it wasn’t for this convenience, we would not be friends I assure you that. Living together, our friendship turned into acquaintances and then turned into mush. We no longer speak, and although I may do the occasional creep on her Facebook portfolio we just were not meant to be. KNOW  YOUR ROOMIES! If you don’t know too much about them at least know when they take their showers, shits and meds! Trust me!

2)      As soon as you notice your first missing cookie from your pack of Oreos, know that it Imagewasn’t you and there is a 100% chance it was your roommate. If they deny it, there is going to be some major issues! That would be the equivalent of standing in a room and tapping the only other person in the room on the shoulder and saying it wasn’t you. If they admit to their cookie stealing ways, you tell them straight up, STRIKE 1! Make sure they know it too! They may take your cookie today, but your brewskies will be the target tomorrow.

3)      Be picky with who they bring over. Be a detective. I’m telling you, this women I lived with brought in some sketchy ass mother fuckers and I’m not pointing any fingers, but the minute my shit goes missing, gets tainted, rearranged and whatever the fuck, those sketchy mother fuckers did it! Screen them, test them, search them when they come marching into your territory. Fuck, I’d even go so far to give my roommate a password to enter (that’s right she ain’t getting no key).

4)      RULES! Establish rules when you guys first move in. Rules as in: my spaces-your space, no touchy-yes touchy,mine-yours-ours, who pays rent when, music volume, TV schedule etc. You get the point! It’s useful! You do not want to come home to an unscheduled beaver bumping sesh on your own bed. You will need to negotiate and compromise! Sorry sweethearts everything can’t be on your terms!

5)      Relationship! This does not mean you need to go out all the time together, or tend to each other’s personal issues. Think of it as a business transaction. You live together, both pay rent, tend to each other once or twice a week, but that is it (unless of course your roomie is great at oral, then they can tend all you want).

6)      Communicate! This falls under relationship. If you’re short on funds, or you are unhappy with something your roommate is doing tell them. Don’t play all coy and keep your trap shut. Ain’t nobody got time for that! Tell them, talk! Verbalize!

7)      Tell them to clean and you do the same. They make dinner/you do dishes, you clean the kitchen/they scrub the tub, you vacuum the carpet/they take out the garbage. It’s as simple as that. If you are doing your part they will do their part. If they aren’t doing their part twist their nipples and tell them to scrub that porcelain. 

Image

Easy-Peasy-Lemon-Squeezy!

8)      Borrowing! Do not let them borrow things! This may sound anal, but don’t! They live with you why would they need to borrow anything? Don’t let them borrow your computer, CD’s, gotchies, nothing!

9)      Do your own laundry! Just because you live together does not mean you cater to them or they cater to your dirty skiddies. If you have coin laundry, use your own money, if it’s a laundry card put on what you need that day. Now, when it comes to towels and wash clothes, I still say keep yours separate. You do not want someone else’s skin flakes floating on your Downy cleaned garments.

10)   Same sex! Move in with the same sex! Yes, my first roomie experience was terrible, but if she were a dude it would not have lasted as long as it did. You won’t have to worry about trying to fuck your roomie, or hiding your naughty bits. (This makes for less drama believe it or not). And there will be no awkward excitement when your roomie comes across your dildo in the bathroom cabinet.

There it is! 10 just 10! Simple easy ways to rid you of ever encountering terrible, lame, dirty-ass, motherfucking, nogoodfornothing, flat mates.

ImagePS: Bonus tip, if you have been following this guideline and your roommate is driving you up the wall you can do two things: 1) call their parents and tell them what is up. 2) Start talking to your roommate through a puppet on your hand, they’ll leave faster than the Welsh cum (2mins flat).