Hey folks! Before I lived with my man-child, I lived with a crazy ass flat mate. Was she legit psycho? No! But she was fucking bonkers, to top it off she was not the most hygienic of flat mates either. At first everything was cool, we lived out of boxes, we went Dutch on some appliances and the TV, she gave me the bigger room which gave her major points in my book. But all this Cosby love went sour as the years went on. She began showing her true colours by leaving rags all over (not your typical cleaning kind), never took the garbage out, never did dishes, and hogged the living room and whathaveyou. We lived together for about 2 years before she graduated and I hit the town running! She was my first and worst! After this I went solo for a bit and was never happier. So I’ve decided in reminiscing about the past flat mate experience to dice up some helpful tips to rid yourselves of a terrible, sloppy ass mother fucking roommate experience. Whether they are clingy, lazy, virgins, Jews, freaks of nature or whatever the fuck, these pointers will get those fuckers the fuck out!
Before I divulge my words of wisdom I would just like to say: YOU’RE WELCOME!
1) Before you move in with a potential roomie make sure you know who the fuck they are. I ‘knew’ my roommate through university. Our first year we lived on the same floor in the dorm, and we were a part of the same clubs. Basically friends of convenient circumstance. If it wasn’t for this convenience, we would not be friends I assure you that. Living together, our friendship turned into acquaintances and then turned into mush. We no longer speak, and although I may do the occasional creep on her Facebook portfolio we just were not meant to be. KNOW YOUR ROOMIES! If you don’t know too much about them at least know when they take their showers, shits and meds! Trust me!
2) As soon as you notice your first missing cookie from your pack of Oreos, know that it wasn’t you and there is a 100% chance it was your roommate. If they deny it, there is going to be some major issues! That would be the equivalent of standing in a room and tapping the only other person in the room on the shoulder and saying it wasn’t you. If they admit to their cookie stealing ways, you tell them straight up, STRIKE 1! Make sure they know it too! They may take your cookie today, but your brewskies will be the target tomorrow.
3) Be picky with who they bring over. Be a detective. I’m telling you, this women I lived with brought in some sketchy ass mother fuckers and I’m not pointing any fingers, but the minute my shit goes missing, gets tainted, rearranged and whatever the fuck, those sketchy mother fuckers did it! Screen them, test them, search them when they come marching into your territory. Fuck, I’d even go so far to give my roommate a password to enter (that’s right she ain’t getting no key).
4) RULES! Establish rules when you guys first move in. Rules as in: my spaces-your space, no touchy-yes touchy,mine-yours-ours, who pays rent when, music volume, TV schedule etc. You get the point! It’s useful! You do not want to come home to an unscheduled beaver bumping sesh on your own bed. You will need to negotiate and compromise! Sorry sweethearts everything can’t be on your terms!
5) Relationship! This does not mean you need to go out all the time together, or tend to each other’s personal issues. Think of it as a business transaction. You live together, both pay rent, tend to each other once or twice a week, but that is it (unless of course your roomie is great at oral, then they can tend all you want).
6) Communicate! This falls under relationship. If you’re short on funds, or you are unhappy with something your roommate is doing tell them. Don’t play all coy and keep your trap shut. Ain’t nobody got time for that! Tell them, talk! Verbalize!
7) Tell them to clean and you do the same. They make dinner/you do dishes, you clean the kitchen/they scrub the tub, you vacuum the carpet/they take out the garbage. It’s as simple as that. If you are doing your part they will do their part. If they aren’t doing their part twist their nipples and tell them to scrub that porcelain.
8) Borrowing! Do not let them borrow things! This may sound anal, but don’t! They live with you why would they need to borrow anything? Don’t let them borrow your computer, CD’s, gotchies, nothing!
9) Do your own laundry! Just because you live together does not mean you cater to them or they cater to your dirty skiddies. If you have coin laundry, use your own money, if it’s a laundry card put on what you need that day. Now, when it comes to towels and wash clothes, I still say keep yours separate. You do not want someone else’s skin flakes floating on your Downy cleaned garments.
10) Same sex! Move in with the same sex! Yes, my first roomie experience was terrible, but if she were a dude it would not have lasted as long as it did. You won’t have to worry about trying to fuck your roomie, or hiding your naughty bits. (This makes for less drama believe it or not). And there will be no awkward excitement when your roomie comes across your dildo in the bathroom cabinet.
There it is! 10 just 10! Simple easy ways to rid you of ever encountering terrible, lame, dirty-ass, motherfucking, nogoodfornothing, flat mates.
PS: Bonus tip, if you have been following this guideline and your roommate is driving you up the wall you can do two things: 1) call their parents and tell them what is up. 2) Start talking to your roommate through a puppet on your hand, they’ll leave faster than the Welsh cum (2mins flat).