Today you will be able to feast your eyeballs on my words of wisdom. Countless people and cyber freaks have been asking yours truly for advice about useless shit, that I quite frankly don’t give a damn about. Regardless, I have the answers for you all. Yes, I’m just, that, good. (Dr. Phil, back the fuck up).
Dear Cait, I am still a virgin. What do I do? HELP!
Dear Virgin, Have sex.
Dear Cait, How do I tell my flatmate I’ve had sex everywhere in our apartment? This is including, their room.
Dear Cait ‘Mistress of the Universe’, How do I tell a woman I don’t like her and to leave me alone forever.
Dear Mama’s Boy, Remember, mother’s are in our lives forever. They brought us into this world and just as well can take us back out. If you however are not referring to your mother, than I have multiple answers for you.
- Slap the bitch
- Ignore her, in fact go to the extent of introducing yourself to her every time you see her
- Tell her she is cute, but not in a good way.
- Tell her your entering the brotherhood.
- Let her know,she can no longer borrow your travelling pants.
If you would like to do this without insulting the bitch, you are out of luck. I don’t do nice.
Dear Cait, I hate my job. I’m going to quit, but not sure how.
Dear Sad Fucker, Pull down your pants and tell your boss to suck it.
Dear Cait, I think I might be gay. How do I know if I am or not?
Dear Pansy, take a trip to Bumfuck Mountain.
Dear Cait, how can a man wear a dress and still be socially accepted.
Dear Queen, a man can wear a dress and be socially accepted if her has a vagina.
Dear Cait, how drunk is too drunk to fuck?
Dear Drunk, if it talks and walks you are good to go.
Dear Cait, I met this girl who is ‘average’ looking. People make fun of her, but I like her. Should I be with her.
Dear Lovebird, two things: Is she funny? And does she give good head? If the answers are no, fly away.
Dear Cait, At what age do woman finally give in and take it in the bum?
Dear Bum Diddler. the age at which you drug her.
Dear Cait, I am 5 months pregnant, who should I turn to for baby advice?
Dear Preggerz, NOT ME!
Dear Cait, I am my friend is getting married. I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year, how do I get him to purpose.
Dear Hopelessly Devoted, GET PREGNANT! Kidding, kidding…
Dear Cait, my boyfriends birthday is coming up and I don’t know what to get him.
Dear NotAGoodGirlfriend, The fact that you don’t know what to get him probably means you should get him either another girlfriend or a lap dance.
Dear Cait, I’m out of a job and need to make money quick. What can you recommend that does not require me to work the corner?
Dear Un-working Girl, ever heard of Polenastics?
Dear Cait, my dad wants me to go to a local college, but I want to go to one four hours away. What do I do?
Dear GoingNowhere, tell your father in the most ‘Varsity Blues’esque voice, ‘I don’t want your life’ (James Van Der Beek accent is a must to make it work).
That is it for now my friends! My wisdom has been shared. This advice is so wise that it is simply advice hardly given. Life coach Cait, is on the horizon. Think about it freaks, I could be yours for the low cost of hi-fives and credit card numbers!