Yes, Beer is a fear!

ImageI am one tough cookie! I don’t bruise easy, I may punch like a girl, but I take them like a man. I pump my iron, get my daily dosage of what I call a Mother’s tough love, which is essentially a kick in the ass. I rarely cry and when I do, it’s because my gamer ID mysteriously gets corrupted or my WoW account has been hacked into and all my life’s work, time and effort is wasted. Not only I am a tough lass, but I also brave. I’ll Care Bear stare anything! I talk to strangers, walk down alley’s and stare at black people, (not because I’m racist, {I’m racist for a whole other reason}but because I was always told as a wee little girl that if I stare at black people long enough, I’ll turn black.) I’ve been gambling this for a while now, and I’m still just as pink and jaundice as the day I was born (Note: my dad is red, my mom is white you do the math). Despite all this warrior-like attributes I have acquired since Mufasa died in The Lion King, I still have what EVERYONE else has….NO not crabs.

I have a fears and not just one fear but many. Let’s say 10.

10)          Sloths! You may think they are cute, but seriously! WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY!?! Their nails are the length of the average size shlongs (4.5 inches), they got a fucking grin on their face like they just farted, and to add to that they move so slow it’s creepy as fuck. I’m paranoid to the point that even looking at a photo I think it’s going to ninja my ass out the photo. Sloths are not cool in my books, they deserved to all be shot and cooked on the BBQ for a nice light dinner.

9)            Feet! Now this one isn’t so much as a fear as it is something I quite frankly just find gross. They are dirty, and smelly and weird looking. I’ve seen my fair share of feet too. You’ll never find my fingers groping a bottom digit, HELL NO! I’ve once stepped on a stranger’s bed and as I did so all these toe nails caved in on me. I have never been the same since.Lesson learned, feet are gross!

8)            Marriage. Weird right? I know most women dream of walking down an aisle in a flashy white gown, having love ceremony and yada yada yada, but I ain’t one of those women. HELL NO! I enjoy going to weddings, but I do not foresee myself ever getting hitched. Luckily, I’m with someone who as far as I know has the same feelings I do, however all men turn at some point and I’m dreading the day that happens.

7)            Giving birth. I have a big family! I love that I have a big family. It makes me want to one day have a family of my own. Knowing I will one day have to give birth (unless science in the future allows men to shit out a kid) scares me to death. I’ve seen the birthing videos and photos, and it does not look pleasant. I am not a fan of unpleasant things. Unpleasant things scare me, therefore shitting out a kidlet, is a fear.

6)            Killer Klowns From Outer Space. Yup, that pretty much sums that one up.

5)            Closets. When I was little every night, my mom would come into bed, sing me  Rock-A-Bye-Baby and throw out all the monsters from under my bed and closet. One night, while I was at my grandma’s house after my mom did the nightly juju for my bed time, I was lying in bed reading a book and I noticed the closet slowly opening and closing. There was no wind or anything. That scared the shit out of me. The other reason I’m afraid of closets is all the fags are that stuck inside them. Looking back on the closet experience at my grandma’s I’m starting to think a little Faggle was trying to come out of the closet. Regardless, closets are scarey.Image

4)           My Period. More like missing my period. I hate when I have it, but when it comes late or decides not to show up for a month, my 7th fear starts becoming more real.

3)            ZOMBIES! That shit could happen for real, could be the T-virus or rage virus or whateverthefuck. Zombies don’t mess around. I’ve played enough games to know, armor your cat, archery skills are a bonus, steal a car, find a boat, avoid the malls and head for CANADA! Luckily I’m already in Canada. Oh yeah all you motherfuckers will be left for dead if you try to be a hero, this basically means a Zombie Apocalypse is a road a loneliness. Being alone in a world of zombies, is fucking scary,

2)            Alcohol. Yes, beer is a fear! I’m not afraid of it per se, but the effects it has on the body frightens me. Especially the effects it has on my family and close friends. I love the shit, I do, but like most stuff in life it has a consequence for over usage. Moderation is key my friends, always key. Unfortunately, those I love dearly, also love alcohol dearly and no matter how many times I expressed my concern for them and their habit it goes unheard. Alcohol causes weight gain, depression, liver disease, heart failure, high blood pressure etc. It kills me knowing that there are people who I love in my life that are borderline alcoholics or are already there and they probably won’t make it past 40.

1)            Making a wrong decision. I’m not afraid of failure, but I’m afraid that the decision I make will alter something so much bigger than myself. On top of that, I’m worried certain decisions I make aren’t for myself, but for others. Sometimes I stick with a choice because I don’t want to hurt someone. I don’t know if it’s a right choice or a wrong one, but it scares me knowing it could be wrong. It scare’s me knowing I could get so much more out of life if it wasn’t for the wrong choice(s) I’ve made, if they are indeed ‘wrong’

And there you have it. See! There’s a little soft filling in my tough cookie exterior. Now, shhhhh don’t tell! According to all those who haven’t read this blog they think I’m gonna dumb fuck ya’ll up! Let’s keep it that way!

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