I’m Slowly Going Crazy

I feel as though I have been slowly loosing my mind this year. For the longest time I’ve been thinking it’s all me; I’m just seeing things, making things up in my head and what not. Turns out, it ain’t just me (thankfuckinggod).

Here is a list of reasons why I am going crazy:

  • My cat is trying to kill my boyfriend.
  • My Hungarian temperamental, gypsy of a boss is moody beyond menopausal. I swear, if she hasn’t been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder yet, I will have completely lost faith in our medical system.
  • MONEY! Having too little I want to die, having too much I want to cry.
  • When you are cracking me a smile with your ass. Plumber’s butt, I just don’t like the look of it.
  • Cheaters. Not relationship ones, the fuckers who cheat in card games, sports and board games.
  • People who ask to borrow my gum. You cannot borrow my fucking gum, you can ask for a piece of gum in which case you spit or swallow, but I will not let you borrow my gum. Borrowing implies you will return it to me post chew, NO FUCKING THANKYOU!
  • People who ask questions by giving me a choice between ‘two’ options. However, these lazy cunts give me one option, as in: Would you like tomato sauce on that or….OR WHAT! Seriously what is my other option here? Would you like to give me another option or….did you want me to slap you or….do you like girls or…..
  • Vegetarians are few and far between! Yet, there are still countless options for vegetarians everywhere! I don’t discriminate (accept against foreigners and men with small feet). My issue with the whole vegetarian thing is when I’m at social events there is always a vegetarian option. This is not the problem; the problem is when there are no options left accept the vegetarian options, in which was order for the single digit vegetarian in the room. By the way, I love meat.
  • The realization that I am actually not Batman.Image
  • Sequels. Yeah, some are great, but most are terrible. Not only are they terrible they ruin the first one!
  • People who talking and talk and talk. They talk when you shit, they talk when you are watching a movie, they talk when you are playing videos. RULE #1: When you are with me and I’m playing up my stories, don’t be talking. Just shut the fuck up.
  • I am not a lady. My man is more of a lady.
  • Dora The Explorer.
  • The waiters/waitresses who always ask how my food is when their is food all in my mouth. What’s wrong with you? Can’t you see I’m breaking bread?
  • Bus drivers be crazy!
  • Black people be crazy!
  • Laundry is something I have to pay for. One load of laundry is 6$ gone. That 6$ could have been spent on 2ffors!
  • Pee dribble, on the seat or in my pants.
  • Bras! I love my girls to be free. I do! But working in a fast pace environment and working out daily, bras are in order. The hold the tata’s in, but can be painful, itchy, and uncomfortable.
  • People who air guitar. YOU GEEK!
  • I am lonely.Image
  • Fran Dresher (since 1992)
  • People who cannot drive, but drive! WHO ARE YOU! Why the fuck are you butt sniffing my ride, not using your fucking turn signals, and driving way below the speed limit. You shit heads! You are all over the ‘Couve, take a walk man. L-i-t-e-r-a-l-l-y.
  • People who name their kids after objects. Apple, Pilot, Stew!
  • Adam Sandler movies! He acts the same in everything, not to mention all his movies are shit. Pure shit! You want to know what shit looks like, watch an Adam Sandler movie.
  • Endless rain!
  • Dog shit on the side walk. Pick it up! Bag it! Use it as fertilizer later, I don’t care! Just clean up your doggies shit.
  • Human shit on the side walk. Seen it once, never again or I’ll loose it.
  • People who stare. CREEPERS! I tell you what!
  • Almost every time I do my laundry, one sock is missing!E-V-E-R-Y-T-I-M-E! Where do all my socks go?! I swear to god if the cloth gnomes grandma told me about as a child are real I’ll shit myself.

People! I’M SLOWLY LOSING MY MIND! I can keep these crazy-trigger things coming and coming. But alas, I won’t. Why? Don’t ask me why or I’ll lose it.

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