Car, please!

Okay people, I can’t take it anymore. I NEED A CAR! Now, hold the phone for a second…okay seconds up.

Most of you, shitheads are probably thinking; Buy a car women! Well, it ain’t that easy and I ain’t that cheap. I’ve got school debt to pay off, a man and pussy (meow) to support, and with work in the film industry coming and going out like a fart and quickly I might add, I ain’t getting a car anytime soon. Unless I enlist in the taxi service, start blowing directors for my big break, win the fucking lottery, or pimp out my man…Alas, a car will have to wait. In the meantime, while waiting for my future FIAT I will list reasons as to why I need a automobile.

  • The other day I was on the bus full of fucking weirdos. Some dude was laughing hysterically behind me at everything, and I mean fucking everything. It brought back horrible memories of the movie Killer Klowns from Outer Space (yes, this is an actual movie). With joker behind me, I had a native lady a few seats ahead talking to some bloke about masturbation (for once it wasn’t me). Nonetheless I did not enjoy hearing it.
  • Awkward moments in public suck, awkward moments on the bus are even worse. I strongly dislike the moments when I am about to get on the bus and I see someone in line for the same bus that I  know. Now, this I think many people can relate too. Whether you encounter the one night stand you would like to forget, someone you aren’t quite sure if you fucked or just some acquaintance from you past. Either way, simply not good. You then contemplate (as I often do), do I get on the bus? Wait for the next one? Take the long way home? Pretend you don’t even see them, or if you are lucky you get on the bus first and pretend to sleep, hoping they don’t attempt to chat your ass up. Sometimes I muster up my metaphorical balls and give them a one liner and hope they get off the bus soon and I pray they don’t sit beside me. Unfortunately, God hates me and he usually doesn’t answer my prayers.
  • People like this:Funny-people-on-the-bus-6-1299668679
  • People like that:weird-people-on-public-transport1
  • The weird aromas on the bus are completely uncalled for! IT’S CALLED DEODORANT PEOPLE! Fucking swipe your pits with this shit and you’ll smell real good. If you ain’t swiping your pits or using perfume/cologne/Febreeze, come summer shit starts to stink. I tell you, I have smelt terrible things: molding ass, rotting eggs, onions, curried B O…hell I can vomit  just thinking about all the sick odors my nose has encounter on the bus. Honestly, the only thing that can save me in these moments are the smell of my own farts, and they don’t smell like roses I tell you what.
  • Usually, when I am on the bus, I am plugged into my iPhone, listening to the Ace Man and reading a book with no pictures (yes, I’ve finally graduated from comics….not really). Anyways, I find it is always in these moments of my tuning out of the world, some nosy asswipe attempts to tune me back in. For years I would cave and let those mother fuckers chat me up. Nowadays when the bus folk try to commune with me I act like the hearing impaired and sign them the finger. Sometimes I go Helen Keller on their ass which 99.9% of the time leads to them moving a few seats away. {SIDE NOTE: Act completely retarded and those fuckers are off the bus lickity split).
  • Now those of you who seriously know me are aware I am somewhat claustrophobic. Not to the extent that you leave me in a small room and I freak out, but an elevator with a deadly fart is a near fatal experience, (air fecal matter is not a laughing matter). Being on a bus packed full of muggles (and wizards I am sure), is not something I look forward to. I literally have to stick my head out like a fucking mutt just to bare the ride home. If I had a car, I could laugh at the people crammed packed on the bus, but I am not so fortunate.
  • I tell you looking at all the privileged folk sitting their asses down in their car (yes these people are privileged) as I ride the bus is depressing. Even if they are driving a 1982 Volvo, they got the fucking life. I can not wait to be a privileged asshole driving my lazy cunt around like no tomorrow.
  • Finally and certainly not least, bus stops are sick. I’m sure I’ve caught some venereal diseases or STD’s just waiting at those shit holes. I would rather walk through the projects without my homies than wait at a fucking bus stop.

You see folks, I could really use a vehicle, even if I got to run my feet on the bottom like Fred fucking Flintstone. I say, lets buy me a car! Or shall I say, let me, let you, buy me a car!!! Please…

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