iF VidEo GamES wErE PoRNos….

Often times in the mornings, before I am fully awake, yet I’m not quite sleeping I tend to have thoughts streaming through my mind. Some are what I call absolutely brilliant, which later in the day I realize aren’t quite so brilliant and some which are just shit, but still make me giggle as I lie in my half comatose state of mind.

This mornings thought: If video games where pornos…

Skyrim Job

Balls of Duty: BlackCocks

Left4Head

Poke-a-mom: OldImage

Super Smash Hoes.

God of Whores

Final Fantasy XXX

The Elder Holes: IV

LittleBigPenis

Twinks of Persia

Gayman: The Date Rape

Now in those early hours of the morning to me this was a GENIUS idea….now that I’ve typed it up and read it once over, i’m thinking not so much….thoughts?

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The SH!T LIST

If you have been a frequent reader of my blogs, you should know by now that I am quite the list maker. I don’t only do this on a blog basis, but on other occasions too (Christmas and well no other ones come to mind).

Anyways, I’ve decided to officially write out my SHIT LIST! And what you can do to not get on it!

You see, I’m quite a forgiving person, I don’t hold grudges, (I know, I know it is not your typical female trait, but I’m not your typical female). You see folks, either it’s the simplest thing that will get you on my SHIT LIST or it can take quite the effort to get on my personal SHIT LIST! But once you are on it, you are fucking on it. LIFE SENTENCE!

 

  • ImageBACK SEAT GAMING: Now, I’m quite forgiving during these moments, for the most part. You start hollering out your damn advice when I’m shooting zombies, Argonians or whatever the fuck, I will tell you once, twice and three times to shut the front door! I find myself to be quite generous in this matter as I know for some gamers, it is very difficult to keep the trap closed when another gamer is playing out some action. BUT! You continue, you just earned a fucking achievement on my SHIT LIST! CONGRATULATIONS!
  • COMPLIMENT FISHERS: These insecure pussies, are the fuck wads always looking for compliments. I’ve come across quite a few of these broads (and it’s unfortunate that most of them are broads). Now, I wouldn’t say being a compliment fisher will get you to the top of my SHIT LIST, nor will it get you on it first time round. But if you become that person, constantly looking for my approval and trying to seek out compliments it ain’t going to happen. What will happen is probably something not so confidence-boosting spewing from my lips and a spot on my SHIT LIST!
  • BAIL OUTS: These folks are compulsive bailers. You make plans, they bail. Now this isn’t a once in a while thing, it’s all the time or at least happens so often you simply cannot rely on this person. If they want me to put a bogus star right by their name on my SHIT LIST all they have to do is cancel the day of something or give me their word they’ll be there and decide to be elsewhere in the end or coming up with some bullshit excuse.Sorry, those damn excuses do not work on me, I fucking used half of them myself. You tell me you have a cold, fuck you it’s a damn cold not the clap! You tell me someone died, well that’s unfortunate but you didn’t so get you fucking ass over here. This spot on my SHIT LIST, sorry no bail outs.
  • SKIDS: These people are skid-fucking-marks to this planet. All they are is a useless fucking stain that God wipes his ass with. They don’t shower, so that means they are dirtied up pretty good and they smell like a rotting ass. It’s revolting! I get it, we all don’t have the luxuries of fresh water and a loofah, but you all don’t have the luxury of being with me either. You dirty skiddies hike your way down my path, I’m writing your name on my SHIT LIST with the filth you roll in.
  • GOD: Pretty self-explanatory. He’s been on my SHIT LIST since ’87. We go way back.
  • OATH BREAKERS: These people are the next level bail outs. There crimes are more severe because the promises the make they can’t keep. This would be equivalent to a doctor deciding not to show up to deliver a baby. It’s bad folks! You do not want me to find out you are one of these people. In times of need and importance they don’t show. You can’t trust them to show up anything. Hell it’s a gamble if they show up for their own freak’n birthdays. These people earn a high ranking on my SHIT LIST, and that is I promise I can make!
  • MASQUERADERS: These people can’t make up their mind who or what they are. What they do is take traits from people they know or admire and mimic them. I find these people to be annoying and insecure. I’ve encounter one Masquerader and she has been on my SHIT LIST for years. I would tell interests I had and the next day she would give me a play by play of her night video gaming and painting Monet. She would purchase similar perfume and could not wait for out crimson rivers to flow in unison. Sick and fucked up this Masquerader was. Ugh…gives me chills just thinking about it.
  • BITCHES: Sorry ladies, it’s just by default everyone who wears a cunt is on it. But this gives you a chance to get off it. I’ve mentioned in previous blogs how I just naturally have a guard up around women (and no it’s not because I like the puss-puss, thank you Dr.GOFUCKYOURSELF). I just find it’s easier for me to converse with the cock and shoot the shit. Cracking wise with bitches isn’t so easy, don’t get me wrong there a some funny gals out there, but I find 75% of the time when I am trying to socialize with them girls they take it personally and the cattiness comes out. (I don’t intend to continue on this banter so…) REGARDLESS! Bitches you are on there now, but it’s easy-peasy to come of my SHIT LIST. Hell, 5$ would go a long way if you want off it! Fuck, if you own yourself a pair of piss flaps and are reading this now you are off my SHIT LIST! Congratulations! Here is a cookie!

Image

 

So there are more reasons to get on my SHIT LIST, like cupping a fart, or giving me a wet willy. BUT! I can’t reveal all of these things other wise, you guys would all smarten-up and I wouldn’t have a SHIT LIST, which could in turn potentially put you on a SHIT LIST FOR PEOPLE WHO DON’T FUCK WITH ME THEREFORE ARE ON A NON_SHIT SHIT LIST! Or something to the tune of that.

Let me know how people can earn a spot on your SHIT LIST, or at least let me know how I can.

🙂

25 Things Video Games Taught Me

FYI I am an avid video gamer, now that I currently am not working a 9-5 job I am more avidly so. That being said; I have decided to let you in on a little secret I have (and potentially most geeks and gamers alike). Here are 25 things that videos games have taught me, which I am sure after reading this you’ll want to save (manually, there is no auto-save here). Image

  1. First and perhaps the most important: DON’T BE A HERO! LEFT FOR DEAD! When playing games with zombies, RUN! You can’t kill them all.
  2. Shrooms are the perfect powerups.
  3. WoW is not a game, but a way of life. A sad one, but one nonetheless.
  4. Never trust Raiders. They will fuck you up and over. EV-ER-Y-TIME!
  5. LAG is no ones friend. Neither is Sephiroth.
  6. Hand-eye coordination! I can give a mean bitch slap. Thank you controllers!
  7. ImageThere is no re-spawn in real life. It will always be a game over!
  8. Weapon of choice: Shot Gun or Bow and Arrow!
  9. Stealth! I move in and out of shadows, dare I say a ‘mystical ninja’.
  10. Always use a deep voice when using a head set (or phone). This will allow me to not get sexually harassed. However, there are the odd times when I am in the mood for some social banter of cunt VS cock.
  11. Road rage can be dealt with using banana peels and koopa shells.
  12. Stay on the path! No sense in chancing combat with a scorpid.
  13. How to quickly and efficiently get things done (i.e- masturbation).
  14. Giving advice! All video games are full of problems and the only way to finish the game is to solve them riddles kids.
  15. There is no strategy book for life. However, there are Black Books. Don’t read them, unless you feel like getting diddled by the devil.
  16. Ocarina is not an acceptable instrument for school band.
  17. When in doubt…..SHOUT!
  18. How to make food, sleep, exercise, pay bills, get a job, buy a house, build a house, upkeep relationships, have kids, etc. My lil Simbot has grown up so much!
  19. When the Zombie Apocalypse happens (and it will I assure you) all gamers will definitely be outliving all you non-gaming folk.
  20. How to put all my shit in storage! ImageImage
  21. Having friends/alliances makes all the difference. No one can help you out if all you want to be is a lone land strider.
  22. Don’t stand by barrels. Or gas tanks or anything flammable.
  23. When in downpours or there is hard rain, RUN and HIDE! Preferably a room with one entrance and no windows.
  24. Updates!
  25. That no matter what, its doesn’t look as real as real life. Pretty freaking close though!

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Cait Tid-Bits #1

I am going to start trying something a little different now in my blogging. Not worry, I won’t get to sappy. I’m thinking from time to time I will write little blogs here and there revealing things about it. Just little tidbits to let you inside my mind a bit and muck about. 

Here goes!

ImageI despise Ryan Gosling. I DO! I can’t quite put my finger on it either. Part of me things he is completely over-rated and the other part can’t get Young Hercules out of my head. 

All I know is if he Hey Girl‘d me I’ve smack his ass (and no not in a form of coitus).

 

I once confused someone’s fart for a two egg breakfast…

My favourite pass time is sleep.

I am claustrophobic. Like actually so. Getting into an elevator is like shitting out a brick. It’s hard and rough, but somehow I get through it. Airplanes are the worst for me, I’m ordering beers every time turbulence hits. (I once saw a cat on the airplane wing, but that wasn’t the beer)

I play the shit out of video games. Through and through. I can’t rush through any game, I need to find all the nooks and cranny’s. Games with zombies aide me in overcoming me fears of not being able to find hidden gems and achievements. LEFT FOR DEAD my friends, DON’T BE A HERO.

ImageYou know how they say, you are what you eat? Well, after a hearty bowel movement I tend to take a look back, you know to see if she sinks or floats. A couple of times for a couple of days it was all blue. I’m talking about Queen Elizabeth royal blue. I’ve never been able to look a blue sour candies the same again.

After a long 8 hour drive to my grandma’s with 5 passengers and a dog in a crammed vehicle my claustrophobic ass could not wait to get out of the damn clown car. Unfortunately, the old man pushed the breaks a little to far and as I was leaning forward my dog flung backwards and my finger….my poor finger….it was my dogs first unintentional enema. The poor pooch couldn’t look at me for a week.

My grandma knocked me out when I was a wee little lass. After her countless calls for me to go to bed, I put my acting skills to use and pretending to sleep on the couch with my eyes open, while Dallas was on the TV. So be the good, kind lady she was and still is she picked me up by the ankles, carried me up the stairs and my head hit the banister on the way up. Needless to say I was sleeping like bear hibernating.

I stole money from my mom’s purse so that I could buy rocks from my little sister’s rock selling store. I feel it was a terrible investment.

There is this place under my ear, close to my jaw line, that I loved to be kissed on.

In high school, I received a marriage certificate. My husband, Ewan McGregor. My mother’s response: Great Scot! He sure was, wasn’t he.

When my V-card got swiped, I cried like a baby.

The smell of curry makes: my skin shrivel up like a prune, my nose burn, my stomach churn and makes me want to vomit. I would rather eat worms then be near the terrible smell. (For those of you who don’t know, my first experience with Indian food, left me hugging porcelain for three days.)

 

It’s Been Awhile

Miss me folks? I know it’s been awhile, like two and a half fucking months awhile…well here’s the deal. I’ve been meaning to write, and by meaning to I mean I have been writing, furiously in fact, unfortunately not to you lovely birds, but alas, that has all changed.

So here’s the deal. I’m insane, full on looney bin material. Cray-cray I tell you what! Let’s start with, well the beginning of the summer shall we?

July 12th or something like that I quit my job. So for those of you who don’t know I currently, work as an actor, writer and model in Vancouver, but when I am not doing such things I am/was working as an assistant manager at an out of school day care facility.

I loved the job, and when I say loved the job I was absolutely captured by it. I loved the flexibility of the schedule that came with it, I loved the nature of it and most importantly I loved the kids. Absolutely so! Unfortunately, in all actuality it was not meant to be.  For everything I loved about it, there were at least two things I strongly disliked. Now, I know many people have a job they despise with a boss who is heavily medicated for their “ass-hole-ness”, but this job, trained the life out of you completely.

You see, this job was perfect! My employer and I made a deal that whenever a gig came up that involved me modeling or acting I was able to take time ‘off’. Not only that, but I worked with kids my entire life, so spending time with them and getting paid was essentially an Oscar away from a dream. I loved these little kidlets.

I started working at the facility April 2010 and come fall 2010 I was promoted to Assistant Manager, now for some that may seem like quite an accomplishment, but with staff changing more than me changing in a day (PS I change at least three times a day), it wasn’t that much to look up to.

Regardless, I established a great relationship with the parents and an amazing relationship with the children. I’m telling you, these kids were absolutely the most innovative and hilarious kids I have ever worked with. I knew, one day I would leave the facility to pursue my ultimate goal of being an actor, but I didn’t realize how soon it would come, not only how soon, but how it wouldn’t be to pursue my dream, but pursue taking a stand and not putting up with anymore bullshit.

Bullshit of course coming from the management side. Now, let’s be just be clear here, if only for a moment. My employer, as a person was crazy and potentially bi-polar, however despite my diagnosis and I assure you I am no doctor, she was a pretty cool lass. She was an older lady, clinging to her youth in mock-up fashions and belated trends. Some may call her passionate; I call it off her meds. Now in a work place as you all know, things are professional and should not be personal. No matter how constructive I attempted to be she took my advice personally and no matter how cynical and personal she was with me in ‘advice-giving’ I did my best to take it professionally, but from time to time it was rather difficult.

I looked up to her in the way that a future committed to an asylum person would look up to her. But over the years the relationship became, tense and purely unrelenting. I would come home every night complaining about my boss, I would speak to co-workings complaining about my boss and they would do the same. In fact the facility was full of complaints from children, co-workers, school teachers and parents regarding my boss, but what could I do?

I in so many words approached my boss, using poetics to sugar coat how her behavior was, but she wasn’t getting it and simply danced around it more than I did. So I continued to allow her to make a fool of herself when I fool was needed, and often times when it was not needed. I guess in some selfish way it made me feel better about myself, especially, when parents and teachers would comment on her antics. Of course though, as I am a lady with an ego, I attempted yet again to let her know to simmer down, pop a pill and get laid, just so it didn’t look like I was working with someone from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. This time not so poetic, and still she danced around.

So with a mentally unstable boss, she hired her kind, mentally unstable people. Not to worry, she did hire some golden ones, some perhaps with more competence than she. But for every golden staff there were two morons being hired. It was only a matter of time before the staff worth keeping was dropping like flies.

While all this was going on, not only was the boss of her rocker, but she completely broke it. She would say things, and not remember saying them, or tell me one thing and tell another staff something completely different. Not only that but, whenever she made a mistake, she took no ownership, passed it on to someone else. She led staff members with a leash and I was no dog. I was tired of her treating staff like plantation servants!

Alas, there is so much I can say, but just venting about this is sucking the life out of me. But allow me to finish here.

I was very loyal and honest to my employer. I was willing to learn and grow as a youth worker and person. But there was only so much I could take, before I was busting from the seams with fury. So long story short (and trust me this is the short version) I quit. I didn’t want to quit. I knew it was coming at some point, just a year earlier than expected.

I love those kids, absolutely so. And now that school is beginning my heart goes out to them and their parents. I wish them all the best and wish that I would have been able to say the good-bye, ‘see you later’ that I wanted too.

PS: Dear Friends, this venting has ended, now for more of my usual fucked up blogs!