I Love You, But…

 

batman_cryingI love you, but you don’t believe I’m Batman.

I love you, but you need to get out more and enjoy life.

I love you, but you but you need to listen, (at least 50% of the time).

I love you, but sometimes you bring me down.

I love you, but you will never find the golden ticket.

I love you, but watching The Human Centipede wasn’t worth it.

I love you, but you don’t need to put yourself before everyone else. Be selfish once in awhile.

I love you, but don’t let people get to you, unless it’s Ewan McGregor (He can get to you/in you/on you any day)

I love you, but sometimes you should just hold in your fart.

I love you, but you need to accept me for me, (CRAZY).

I love you, but you don’t smile as much anymore. And when you do, it’s sad. A sad smile. That’s not a good smile. It’s like a sad, sad, clown. I would rather cup my cats fart than see a sad smile.

10_EmiLenoxI love you, but you don’t care about a lot of things in life, so just pretend you care.

I love you, but you need to figure your shit out.

I love you, but you don’t express how you feel often and when you do, it’s once in a blue moon. And when that blue moon comes around everyone is running for cover.

I love you, but you are too hard on yourself.

I love you, but you need to allow others to help you out.

I love you, but you drool in your sleep, and it’s kind of annoying, and messy and gets all over the place.

I love you, but you laugh too much and sometimes dribble, in you pants, down your leg.

I love you, but you need to stop watching daytime television.

I love you, but what……?

(Just a little note, to someone special, to someone crazy, to someone who is a narcissistic , future jedi knight…ME!)

I love you, but you can’t always make light of a situation, everything isn’t always a joke.

First World Problems

Here’s A List.

Just a list of MY first world problems.

These problems are problems that people in third world countries would roll their eyes at.

Therefore these problems, these first world problems, are not really problems worth worrying about.

Yet,alas,I do.

  • Taking the bus.
  • Phone battery dies from playing too much Candy Crush (either that or downloading too much porn).
  • Ty Pennington.
  • Having technology constantly changing, which means new and newer products are coming out all the time. Which means; me and my iPhone 4 are living in the past.Image
  • Realizing how much money I’ve wasted on Poggs.
  • The Red Wedding.
  • The last Batman movie. Unforgivable.
  • Drunken hiccups.
  • Freshman 15.
  • Hangovers.
  • Video Games glitching out.
  • Paying Rent.
  • Rent. (All five hundred, twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes of it!)
  • When my beer isn’t on tap.
  • When a keg isn’t tapped.
  • Food babies.
  • Babies. More specifically the thought of a baby emerging from my vagina.
  • Forgetting to chew my food.
  • Not being able to get reception in the elevator.
  • Having to pay for laundry.
  • Being frowned upon when asking a Mongolian child to pump my air mattress in exchange for an acorn.
  • The Nanny.
  • Cleaning bath tubs after four years of never realizing I had to clean the tub.
  • NETFLIX Canadian version.
  • Slimy video game controllers.
  • Cleaning up your pets shit.
  • Cleaning up shit.
  • Having to drink tap water.
  • Twerking. (Now, this I believe, is also becoming a third world issue.)
  • When my birthday gifts begin to turn into what I need instead of what I want.Image
  • Twilight.
  • When any kind of button on sticks together.
  • When anything sticks together. Unless it’s Velcro. (Velcro needs to stick together.)
  • Kathy Griffin.
  • Knowing there is shit going on in the world, but being more worried about how long my iPhone update is going to take.
  • Running out of Q-tips.
  • Having to rub my ass with a leaf, instead of TP.
  • Losing a bet.
  • Being dutch-oven-ed by a man I lay with.
  • Moths.
  • Having to rent a movie because IOS Hunt is down.
  • Santa not getting me anything on my Christmas list.
  • A slow internet connection.
  • Having no beer in my beer fridge.
  • When Starbucks runs out of my usual tall, blonde.
  • Tall blondes.
  • The last three Star Wars Films.
  • Make up running down my face.
  • Make up no coming off my face.
  • Tasting my own sweat.
  • Video game load times.Image
  • Having to pay for weed.
  • Having too many hangers and not enough clothes to use them all.
  • Shoes smelling like feet.
  • Trips to the dentist.
  • Deodorant stains.
  • Toothpaste stains.
  • STAINS in general.
  • JB AND MC.
  • Realizing I forgot my sunglasses while driving into a sunset.
  • Having to say Happy Holidays instead of Merry FUCKING Christmas to strangers.
  • Paying for stamps.
  • Collecting food stamps.
  • Not being able to play an instrument.
  • Soggy cereal.
  • Remembering how I used to eat cereal, but don’t anymore because it gets soggy. (Mmmmm….cereal….)
  • The fact that I get all the questions wrong on Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader. (I still firmly believe they are not children, but genius midgets fooling us all.

Okay folks,

These are just a few of MY first world problems.

What are yours?

Oh here’s another one of my first world problems: having to listen to yours.

My Lady Problems

So being a lady, straight up I have issues. Like all people in the world no matter the race, sex, species and what have you we all got problems. Today I shall share with you my girl problems, which I am sure, if not all, most females can relate too.

  • Breaking in a new pair of high heels, never fun.
  • Breaking in a new pair of anything is never fun (unless it’s the bed).kgrhqyokjqe1y9eds0bnkpi80cgq_3
  • Once a month dilemma: do I by a bundle pack of tampons from Costco for 5$ made out of cardboard by hard-knocked little orphans in Kuwait, or do I just TP this months wave?
  • Getting drinks at a bar: Do my boobie go over the counter, or under?
  • The days when you want your girls to be free, but the weather says it’s just not in your cards.
  • Justin Beiber: Makes me embarrassed to be a woman….wait….is JB a she?
  • When guys hair is longer than mine. Unless you are a wizard or some bad ass native warrior then SNIP SNIP.
  • When it’s that time of the month: Do you remain celibate for that time period and just resort to whipping yourself of your sins or do you let the bloke ride the crimson wave with you.
    Image
  • Snorting when I laugh.Now I don’t know if this is one that I personally have or if this affects all women.
  • Thongs: Not always a win-win Especially since it’s call butt floss for a reason.
  • Waterproof mascara! Don’t come off in the rain please, but please come off in the shower.
  • Realizing that some guys aren’t your friends anymore once you get a boyfriend.
  • I own a pair of B34’s therefore, I do have balls and they are bigger than any man’s they are just located on my chest.
  • CRAMPS!!!!!
  • Adjustable shower heads are a girls best friend.
  • Sweatpants Saturday to Sunday.
  • Yoga Pants Mondays to Fridays.
  • Most orgasms start off as fake, gets them boys going and working harder, which in turn….voila….we see the light!
  • Chocolate….mmmmm….chocolate…5ho5abscpjftgugj5dr9
  • PMS!
  • The fear that one day a human baby will possibly emerge clawing from my womb as I lie in a medical bed strapped down wishing I’d have been drugged up on herbal remedies.
  • The loathing of your period coming.
  • The fear of your period not coming.
  • Tender Boobies.

Alas, sadly this is only a few of the lady problems I currently face.

Please say I am not alone ladies.

TheTouchy Feely

Recently, I’ve been getting a lot of questions, feedback, criticism regarding my blogging. More specifically who I am and where I stand. So I’ve been reading and re-reading my writing. Knowing who I am and the people who personally know me I find can read my blogging with a little more ….hmmm…..what is the word…..ease? (not sure if that is the word). But stepping into the shoes of someone who doesn’t drunk text me at 2 am or someone who doesn’t hold my hair back while I’m spewing that mornings breakfast, I could understand how some may think me to be vulgar, disrespectful and rude. Well, folks, I am definitely vulgar and rude.

So my cyber friendlies, I’ve decided to give you a little ‘in the know’ of who I am. This shall we say is the touchy feely without the touchy feely. And hopefully upon further reading my blogs, WE. BE. COOL.

This is me. Image

This is also me. Image

My full name is Caitlin Ann Keeshig. However, I go by many, Cait, Caitlin, Caitlin Ann, Caitles, Caitsith, Caitress and Cait Ann…However, do not, and I repeat do not EVER call me Caitie, I won’t hear it and I won’t respond to it! In grade 4, there was another girl named Caitlin, however she spelt hers as Katelan. Coin toss for who was to be called Caitie, even though I insistently volunteered to be called Cait. I lost the coin toss. Balls!

I grew up with an Indian father (feather not the dot), a white mother, and five half-breed siblings. My brother is the oldest also the example of what not to do, the oldest sister is the example of what to do, the second oldest sister is the nice one, the second youngest is more the introvert and the baby is well she’s damn near 20. I fit right in the middle of the girls. My role in the family was well, even though I was blessed with a cunt I  pulled my penis from my panties and took on the ‘Big Brother’ role always trying to protect my sisters from creepers, and the Jehovah’s.

My parents raised us off the reserve, which I am thankful for. That being said I love going back to the reserve visiting family. I was a very active growing up. I was a swimmer (even though my brother was the fastest swimmer), dancer and athlete. I also did a two year stint as a brownie, but decided to retire after they moved me on to girl guides before I was able to collect all brownie badges.

I love having a big family and I love be with them, but I also love being away from them. So when I was 17 I came out here to beautiful Vancouver and grow up on my own (this my friends is a long process).

If you’ve been a current follower/reader of my blogs I would hope you would know by now I am an avid video gamer. This was a skill handed down by my brother. Because of him myself and the two younger sister’s play vids like ‘it ain’t no thang’, it also caused all of my sister’s including myself in search of men who play video games to one day potential mate with (even if it’s just a Sims baby).

My two best girlfriends from junior high to high school are still my best girlfriends, even if we only talk once in awhile and see each other every few years.

I’m a happy person, even when I’m sad and depressed.

I’m very competitive, but I can lose with grace (although this happens almost never).

I love board games. It’s unfortunate not many people play them anymore at least not my current possey.

My favourite colour is green (more specifically Mint Green).

I am claustrophobic.

I also have this weird phobia where I can’t touch nor consume small round things (maltesers, grapes, marbles, mini eggs etc.)

I always have to have a pair of red shoes.

I have a cat, even though I am more of a dog person. My cat’s name is Olive, and I believe she is a reincarnation of my old cat Gertie who was obese.

I’m pretty care-free and laid back. I don’t like to fight, argue or debate.

I don’t believe in God, but I would baptize my child.

I think that everyone should learn English. I also think that everyone should know at least one other language. (Sólo digo el inglés)

If I ever have children, I intend to name my first daughter after my beloved dog, that served as my nanny growing up.

I love working out and feel I look my best sweaty.

I also feel I look my best in sweatpants.

My favourite day in the week is Thursday.

My favourite drinks are, H2O, green tea and honer lagers.

I usually will try anything once (accept pull a Ke$ha and drink my own piss)

My favourite part of my body is my nose.

I enjoy cracking wise with strangers and friends.

My favourite food is raspberry cheesecake.

Stretching makes me feel good. Also busting makes me feel good.

I love funny men.

I am a Scorpio. Also a bitch.

I riff off on tangents a lot, not always making a point, but love giving verbal diarrhea.

I used to collect bridal books as a child. As I got older I would buy bridal books to scare away men,(I would be too chicken shit to dump them, but when I did have the balls it was usually via text).

My favourite story growing up and still is my favourite book is “The Velveteen Rabbit”.

My favourite movies are Moulin Rouge, and The Wizard of Oz.

I never got along with my oldest sister until university.

Britney Spears if my guilty pleasure, bitch.

I’m certified in Zumba and First Aid.

I’m also self-certified and being a domestic engineer.

I recently found out that my mom has been lying to me and hasn’t been 29 for the last 15 years.

I get lonely being out here.

My grandma is amazing. I don’t know what I would do without her in my life. She is who I aspire to be one day: old and bat shit crazy. JUST KIDDING! She is kind, understanding and just loves.

I am currently working on adapting video games story lines to film scripts that are actually good.

I secretly yearn for Tarantino’s approval of my feet.

I’ve read all the Harry Potter Books and the Twilight Series (I’m team: can’t believe I just told you guys I read all the Twilight books).

My goal in life is just to be happy.

I met my boyfriend in 2008 over birthday shots. We’ve been together ever since. Our relationship isn’t perfect, and it’s a struggle, but it’s one worth having.

I have all the whole series of Sailor Moon.

I have dreams to own a fox one day.

I get really intense anxiety about things that just don’t matter. My anxiety gets to the point wear I can’t eat, and can not stand socializing to the walls.

I see dead people.

My favourite pass times are lying in the sun and sleeping.

I hate crying. I was never crier. After meeting my boyfriend I cried more often. Not sure if that has to do with my lady hormones, him specifically, anxiety or the loneliness I get.

I’m very selective with my friends.

I hate left overs unless it’s Chinese or turkey stuffing.

I love writing. Even if it’s nonsensical, more a rant full of tangents and run-on sentences.

There you have it cyber friends, here’s just a little bit of who I am. This my friends is the touchy feely without the touchy feely. Hopefully…nah fuck it!

P E A C E!

Cait Tid-Bits #2

Never hold in a fart, always let ‘er rip.

  • #1 it ain’t healthy to keep them gases up in yer keaster
  • #2 it shows confidence (trust me on this one)

Lighten the fuck up. Most things in life shouldn’t be taken so seriously.

  • If you don’t get that the job you’ve been eyeing up-become a hooker,
  • You fail your mid term-study! Or better yet sit next to the Asian kid (in my case, Chun Li),
  • A baby destroyed your vagina-well there are some people in the world with out vaginas…I think you get the drift

It always could be worse. Seriously, zombie apocalypse, Beiber for president, Danny Devito clones, killer clowns etc, etc, etc.

Wake up and fucking stretch.

Find a friend named Lily, I’ve never met a Lily I didn’t like.

Find a friend named Michael (aka Mike). Everyone knows ones, usually he’s your common douche mouthing off to nuns and immigrants, but everybody needs one (he’ll make you feel better about yourself).

Workout! I don’t care if your pumping iron, dancing, fucking, walking, tippy toeing on a treadmill or whatever the fuck. Move your body and move it often! Exercise is great for the mind and the body. You’ll feel great and look great.

I hate to say it but money does make the world go ‘round. Unless you sucking off Bill Gates you need to spend within your means! Spoil yourself here and there, but if you’re consistently buying yourself designer brands and lap dances, you’ll be scrounging the alleyways for caps.

Smack someone with The Bible.

Don’t eat East Indian food. (I was hugging porcelain for days).

High-5 someone at least once a day.

Own a pet. Me? I got my boyfriend and my awesome four-legged roommate feline, Olive.

Don’t do the idiot test.

Read a book.

Try smoke and a pancake.

Try cigarettes and chocolate milk.

Remember the world doesn’t revolve around you, however ‘your’ world does. So tell people off, throw down your grump thunder, hire a middle-aged Filipino to fan you with a giant leaf, kick old geezers off your curb. You’ll be a douche if you do so, but in this world it is yours. However, if you aren’t such a rage warrior, then you can milk a cow, hand ribbons for participation and eat a dick.

Fin.