Never hold in a fart, always let ‘er rip.
- #1 it ain’t healthy to keep them gases up in yer keaster
- #2 it shows confidence (trust me on this one)
Lighten the fuck up. Most things in life shouldn’t be taken so seriously.
- If you don’t get that the job you’ve been eyeing up-become a hooker,
- You fail your mid term-study! Or better yet sit next to the Asian kid (in my case, Chun Li),
- A baby destroyed your vagina-well there are some people in the world with out vaginas…I think you get the drift
It always could be worse. Seriously, zombie apocalypse, Beiber for president, Danny Devito clones, killer clowns etc, etc, etc.
Wake up and fucking stretch.
Find a friend named Lily, I’ve never met a Lily I didn’t like.
Find a friend named Michael (aka Mike). Everyone knows ones, usually he’s your common douche mouthing off to nuns and immigrants, but everybody needs one (he’ll make you feel better about yourself).
Workout! I don’t care if your pumping iron, dancing, fucking, walking, tippy toeing on a treadmill or whatever the fuck. Move your body and move it often! Exercise is great for the mind and the body. You’ll feel great and look great.
I hate to say it but money does make the world go ‘round. Unless you sucking off Bill Gates you need to spend within your means! Spoil yourself here and there, but if you’re consistently buying yourself designer brands and lap dances, you’ll be scrounging the alleyways for caps.
Smack someone with The Bible.
Don’t eat East Indian food. (I was hugging porcelain for days).
High-5 someone at least once a day.
Own a pet. Me? I got my boyfriend and my awesome four-legged roommate feline, Olive.
Don’t do the idiot test.
Read a book.
Try smoke and a pancake.
Try cigarettes and chocolate milk.
Remember the world doesn’t revolve around you, however ‘your’ world does. So tell people off, throw down your grump thunder, hire a middle-aged Filipino to fan you with a giant leaf, kick old geezers off your curb. You’ll be a douche if you do so, but in this world it is yours. However, if you aren’t such a rage warrior, then you can milk a cow, hand ribbons for participation and eat a dick.