26 Mind blowing Things

Alrighty folks, friends, followers, lovers, peeps, homies, whateverthefuck, today is the day I am one year older. Yup, you heard it hear first folks, it’s been 26 years since my mother shat out a big headed, jaundiced, happy lil babe with the likes of Topo Gigio. Now, in this 26 year bender of mine, I assure you I have learned and maintained some knowledge of random somethings and I feel obligated to share this usefully useless information with you.

Let us begin!

1) No matter what, Grandma knows best.I only have half a mind to write a whole other list in this blog as to why grandmas (especially mine) are rock solid wise old biddies. Here are just a few things I’ve cherished about my beloved grandma;

  • She gave boyfriend advice to friends and family by using myself as an example. She did so by explaining that more people should be like me because I get a little taste of everything (take that how you will.)
  • She knocked me out unconscious (BY ACCIDENT I assure you) after I was pretending to actually be sleeping. I didn’t wake up until noon the next day, best sleep of my life.
  • I was driving before I was legally able to drive. Granted I also didn’t get my license until I was 20. She and I would do Meals-On-Wheels for the old people and let me just tell you that at the time my grandma was well over 70.
  • My love for cards would be non-existent if it wasn’t for her. Little known fact, The King Of Hearts has no mustache, Grandma told me it was because he’s no sphincter master. Sphincter’s to make coffee…..right?

2) Cat’s are never your friends. Intensely - Cat with mean face

3) The best way to break an awkward silence moment is by an anal air attack. However, if that is also silent, then you’ve failed.

4) Puns are a way of life.

5) Things could always be worse. It could be raining balls (the man kind), you could be doing the pee-pee dance only as an attempt to waff out the giant fart you refused to take ownership in that happened 5 minutes ago, having every channel with The Rosie O’Donnell Show, not being able to fit your cookie in your glass of milk, playing Fable 3, pan-handling for pennies at the Panda Express, etc. etc.

6) Hip chucking is the best form of showcasing ones friendship.

7) Cracking wise is an awesome form of release. Cracking wise while rubbing one out even better.

8) French Fries  are worship worthy. Whoever invented the French Fry deserves a shrine. Mayo and fries, ketchup and fries, plum sauce and fries, vinegar and fries, fries and fries, yam fries, sweet potato fries, JUMBO fries…..mmmmm….fries…..

9) Tampons make great ghosts for Halloween.788d78391c8a631373a153c0d57628d5

10) Weekly clipping of finger and toe nails is a must.

11) Instead of using the toggly bit on the vacuum that is supposed to suck up all the scum in cracks of furniture and corners of the walls, I use a lint roller. When I’m too lazy for the ‘Lint Roller Method’ I cover it up or close my eyes.

12) Pancake dinners are the WHAMBAM! Especially when big ol’ PopPop would make them into Mickey Mouse heads.

13) Blogs arenot’ wirth having purfect spelling or grammer, becuz who da fuck gives a damn, nowone said you needed too be a scholar to blog nonsense.

14) Some things are better left unsaid.

15)…. …. ….

16) After being told for years to lead by example, I’ve inherited one saying to lead my people: Do as I say and not as I do.

17) I’ve said this before in previous blogs and I’ll say it again. COLLECT THEM BOTTLECAPS!

18) A great workout is the best way to feel confident and show it to the world. It’s also the best way to get a good healthy shit brewing in your tumtum.

19) Dan Aykroyd was a fox back in them Buster years.

20) The easiest way to move passed depression is to get over it. (Words spoken by a wise old mama who dressed up as Ronald MacDonald and went to my school for no reason, accept embarrassing me).

21) Having sisters is totally worth the syncing of menstrual flows and moody bitches.

22) There are more things in the world then Candy Crush.

23) The Little Hobo is the ultimate super hero. (Ever since Ben Affleck has been cast at Batman, he no longer is number one. Thanks Ben, NOW GO EAT YOUR CEREAL!)

24) There is no place like home.

25) The best part of waking up is Timmy’s in my cup.Oh and Dr. Phil.

26) whatever-you-re-doing-it-s-not-as-important-as-petting-the-cat-funny-poster-print Especially on acid.

There you have it, some of the random facts of life I was able to maintain through my 26 years of having a heart beating. Some even MIND-BLOWING! Of course, I’ve learned more, I’m not some dumb ass inbred name Cletus that auntie/mom and uncle/brother created. I am the result of two awesome parents and a 6 pack of Blue.

A Bucket List

Folks, I have a confession. I am about to turn the big 2 6. I know right, I’ll be 30 before I know it, and like my man, everything will start going down hill. So before I get rolling, I’ve decided to write A Bucket List of things to do before I am 30. With that I also wrote a Fuck It List that will keep me on track to achieving my goals.

***

Be in a fitness video, preferably with Alison Davis-McLain, but not necessary (Bucket List)

Shed sweat with Richard Simmons (Fuck It List)

 

Crack wise with the best of them (Bucket List)

Be cracked out (Fuck It List)

 

Write a book (Bucket List)

Read The Bible, actually(Fuck it List)

 

Go swimming with sharks (Bucket List)

Float in the middle of the ocean for one hour, only to prove that when a whale’s blow hole lets one rip, it is essentially a fart (Fuck It List) 

 

Role play as Princess Leia (Bucket List)

Play with Roseanne Barr’s rolls (Fuck It List)

 

Cut the ribbon of something with giant scissors (Bucket List)

Cut the umbilical cord of anything (Fuck It List)

 

Milk a cow (Bucket List)3118474906_4d356aa410

Milk a cow (Fuck It List)110726fat

 

Venture to a Yoga retreat (Bucket List)

Venture to a Jesuits Training Centre (Fuck It List)

 

Eat a prairie oyster in front of a bull (Bucket List)

Eat a red velvet cupcake in front of an anorexic pre-adolescent Bratz wannabe (Fuck It List)

 

Skydive (Bucket List)

Take the plunge (Fuck It List)

 

Meet Batman (Bucket List)

Meet Ben Affleck (Fuck It List)

 

Talk with in an English accent for an entire year (Bucket List)

Waltz with a ginger (Fuck It List)

 

Bathe in milk (Bucket List)

Go swimming in the Bayou (Fuck It List)

 

Do shrooms at a planetarium (Bucket List)toad_mario

Be left alone, in a room, with Toad (Fuck It List)

 

Perform stand-up comedy (Bucket List)

Watch Michael Richards perform stand-up (Fuck It List)

 

Give blood (Bucket List)

Give a shit (Fuck It List)

 

Go camping in the Yukon (Bucket List)

Go to Nunavut (Fuck It List)

 

Solve a Rubik’s Cube (Bucket List)

Solve Hilbert’s Sixteenth Problem (Fuck It List)

 

Do the dirty with a mime (Bucket List)

Masturbate to Helen Keller (Fuck It List)

 

Kidnap the real Cookie Monster (Bucket List)fat-people-love-cookies

Become a cookie monster (Fuck It List)

 

Spend the night in IKEA (Bucket List)

Be held in solitary confinement because I farted in a Mausoleum (Fuck It List)

 

Meet Harry Potter (Bucket List)

Meet Daniel Radcliff (Fuck It List)

 

Hold a koala (Bucket List)

Hold one in (Fuck It List)

 

Speak about myself in third person for a solid week (Bucket List)

Perform an exorcism (Fuck It List)

 

Pee in every ocean (Bucket List)

Shit out a knife (Fuck It List)

 

Be able to afford a child from Africa just so he can follow me around with a boom box in order to play the soundtrack of my life (Bucket List)

Have a monkey slave sit on my should and play the accordion (Fuck It List)

 

Float a landtern in the sky (Bucket List)

Discover a floaty in the swimming pool at my nieces birthday (Fuck It List)

***

Well there you have it folks! Now, I know it doesn’t seem like much, but I figure I shouldn’t be too ambitious, after all this is A Bucket List of stuff to do before I’m 30, which is in a few short years.

Wish me luck!