A Bucket List

Folks, I have a confession. I am about to turn the big 2 6. I know right, I’ll be 30 before I know it, and like my man, everything will start going down hill. So before I get rolling, I’ve decided to write A Bucket List of things to do before I am 30. With that I also wrote a Fuck It List that will keep me on track to achieving my goals.


Be in a fitness video, preferably with Alison Davis-McLain, but not necessary (Bucket List)

Shed sweat with Richard Simmons (Fuck It List)


Crack wise with the best of them (Bucket List)

Be cracked out (Fuck It List)


Write a book (Bucket List)

Read The Bible, actually(Fuck it List)


Go swimming with sharks (Bucket List)

Float in the middle of the ocean for one hour, only to prove that when a whale’s blow hole lets one rip, it is essentially a fart (Fuck It List) 


Role play as Princess Leia (Bucket List)

Play with Roseanne Barr’s rolls (Fuck It List)


Cut the ribbon of something with giant scissors (Bucket List)

Cut the umbilical cord of anything (Fuck It List)


Milk a cow (Bucket List)3118474906_4d356aa410

Milk a cow (Fuck It List)110726fat


Venture to a Yoga retreat (Bucket List)

Venture to a Jesuits Training Centre (Fuck It List)


Eat a prairie oyster in front of a bull (Bucket List)

Eat a red velvet cupcake in front of an anorexic pre-adolescent Bratz wannabe (Fuck It List)


Skydive (Bucket List)

Take the plunge (Fuck It List)


Meet Batman (Bucket List)

Meet Ben Affleck (Fuck It List)


Talk with in an English accent for an entire year (Bucket List)

Waltz with a ginger (Fuck It List)


Bathe in milk (Bucket List)

Go swimming in the Bayou (Fuck It List)


Do shrooms at a planetarium (Bucket List)toad_mario

Be left alone, in a room, with Toad (Fuck It List)


Perform stand-up comedy (Bucket List)

Watch Michael Richards perform stand-up (Fuck It List)


Give blood (Bucket List)

Give a shit (Fuck It List)


Go camping in the Yukon (Bucket List)

Go to Nunavut (Fuck It List)


Solve a Rubik’s Cube (Bucket List)

Solve Hilbert’s Sixteenth Problem (Fuck It List)


Do the dirty with a mime (Bucket List)

Masturbate to Helen Keller (Fuck It List)


Kidnap the real Cookie Monster (Bucket List)fat-people-love-cookies

Become a cookie monster (Fuck It List)


Spend the night in IKEA (Bucket List)

Be held in solitary confinement because I farted in a Mausoleum (Fuck It List)


Meet Harry Potter (Bucket List)

Meet Daniel Radcliff (Fuck It List)


Hold a koala (Bucket List)

Hold one in (Fuck It List)


Speak about myself in third person for a solid week (Bucket List)

Perform an exorcism (Fuck It List)


Pee in every ocean (Bucket List)

Shit out a knife (Fuck It List)


Be able to afford a child from Africa just so he can follow me around with a boom box in order to play the soundtrack of my life (Bucket List)

Have a monkey slave sit on my should and play the accordion (Fuck It List)


Float a landtern in the sky (Bucket List)

Discover a floaty in the swimming pool at my nieces birthday (Fuck It List)


Well there you have it folks! Now, I know it doesn’t seem like much, but I figure I shouldn’t be too ambitious, after all this is A Bucket List of stuff to do before I’m 30, which is in a few short years.

Wish me luck!


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