I Do Not

Every girl dreams of this day. At some point in their lives they picture a man on their knees, with a sparkling rock asking the one question every girl deserves to be asked. Then from there on it’s a whirlwind of engagements, planning, appointments, planning, bookings, dress shopping, planning, food tasting, bachelorette party, and constant planning and planning and planning and then…..at the very end of the aisle…. marriage. Many girls dream of this day, this moment and yet here I am, saying; Fuck. This. Shit.

I’m not marriage material to put in plainly.

31109-1461-khkys-aFirstly, I am selfish. Marriage is not just a commitment but it’s me fully giving myself to something and someone else. This is not to say I’m a total cunt and deserve to be treated like a princess. I’m not and I don’t. This is also not to say I don’t want a family. I do, in fact I plan to shit out a kid in the next 8 years or so. However, I do not believe I can be completely and utterly ‘self-giving’ (at least not now in my life). Now, having said this, I will say I have been with my man now for nearly 6 years. I love him, I am in love with him, I am committed to him, BUT I also make sure to take care of myself, to give myself love (no, not talking masturbation here).

Perhaps part of my being selfish is I just want to be happy. And I don’t want to ever hold my partner in crime accountable for my happiness. I can make my happiness on my own. I can make it with my man. I can make it on acid, I can make it throwing bread wafers at alter boys. Maybe it’s not me wanting people to know, but I want to know I can create my own happiness and at times just have this happiness to myself.

This brings me to my next point. Dependence or shall I say, independence. For years and years I’ve always depended supermomon other people to help me get through life. My mom did everything for me and at times still does. She sang ‘Rock-a-bye-baby’, threw the monsters out from my closet and under my bed all through junior high. She paid my bills for a time, she enrolled me in school, she booked my doctor, dentist and eye appointments, she still picks me up from the air port, she is what all mothers should be, WONDER WOMAN.

It wasn’t until I came out here on my own and lived by myself; I began to become my own person. I taught myself, to manage my own finances. I paid my own bills, I learned to take the bus on my own, or ask strangers for directions when I was lost. I guess in some way, I fear marriage may take this independence away from me. (At least on paper it does).

Speaking of paper, I am proud of the money I bank. I’m also very aware that I cannot always go Dutch the rest of my life. I am very protective of my finances. Having gone to school for five years I have a debt I would like to pay off before menopause hits. I also do not want any debt I have, become my man’s debt and vice versa.

Plus, my idea of a wedding if I ever got married is, BYOB, Potluck party in the backyard and town hall marriage license. My honey’s idea of a wedding is the bigger the better. This is not my style, nor is it my wallets style. I can’t justify spending 20, 000$ let alone 125$ on a wedding/marriage certificate. To me it’s simply not worth it. Perhaps it’s because I don’t have dollar bills hanging out of my bra and coinage tucked up in my keester. But wedding ceremonies and paying for wedding ceremonies is not in my stars.

PLUS! And this is just straight up. Marriage is a contract, it really is that simple. The last contract someone asked me to sign I ended up in a glass window modeling clothes for Sears (FML).

Another major factor is I don’t think so far into the future. I live day by day, night by night and la-dee-da. Even though my honey and I have been together for a lengthy time, we could still break up. I’m not saying we will, I’m not praying we do, I’m not saying nothing other than what the fuck do I know? We could be together forever and we could be together for just two more days (in which case he would have read my blogs and realized I ain’t his type and if so….douche bag.) But, and here’s the thing, if we do break up, there is no paper work, there’s no divorce shit to deal with, the biggest issue we would have is who gets the Xbox (and trust me that’s a big enough issue on its own). {Side Note: Xbox is mine, DIBS!}

Well, there are more reasons I really do not insist or wish to get married. Many reasons I also don’t care to get into too much detail with: Reasons like: marriage is an institution that fails half the time, my benefits would not change regardless, marriage will simply not cure loneliness and because Chuck Norris said so.

“Cait will you marry me” Batman says.

“I do not.” Cait replied. “Even though you are Batman.”



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