Emotional Blue Balls

Okay, ladies and gents I need to vent. I know what you are thinking, “Cait? Vent?” ALWAYS!!!

I don’t know what it is, but it seems to me that there are some serious relationship problems floating through this spring, honestly the birds and the bees are on a hiatus FOR REALZ!.Let me divulge a little, just a little, about my relationship with my honey boo boo child! (31 year old child).

Typically, many women see men as emotionless beings. That’s typically. Unfortunately for me, I was blessed with having no emotions (for the most part), but because of this I feel my man makes up for my lack of emotion. Honestly, I have my rag-time girlfriend visit me once a month and his is 24/7.

Ever since he decided to venture into a new business he’s had more time on his hands. I on the other hand have been incredibly busy working 3 ½ jobs (yes 3 ½). When I do come home he’s upset I don’t spend time with him, and instead I choose to workout, pet my cat, read or write. HOLD THE MOTHER FUCKING PHONE YA’LL! Let’s get some things straight here.

  1. When I do come home, I’m tired. All I want is a little bit of time to settle in, get into my sweatpants, pull a nice cold brewsky from the fridge and mellow the fuck out.
  2. I don’t want to talk about work when I get home. Work is work, work is always work, work is left at work straight up. Sure, ask me about my day, I’ll tell you it was “good,” “bad” “wild” “shitty” whathaveyou. But I am not content, nor up for telling you a play by play about my workday.
  3. I’ll be honest if I come home and there isn’t some sort of supper being cooked up I’m definitely pissy. Sorry but tumblr_lw677pFqFG1qikj2so1_500if I am the sole provider of this god damn relationship, and you are at home picking your nose, yelling at 13 year old kids on the Xbox, you definitely have time cook up some food. If I’m bringing home the bread, all I ask is you bake it.
  4. DON’T BE UPSET THAT I EXPECT YOU TO COOK AND CLEAN! If you ain’t working fucking do something to make this relationship work. I clean constantly when I am home. I’m not asking you to swap the deck like a mother fucking lone pirate, I’m just asking you do the dishes once in awhile, clean the cat’s shitter when it starts to stink, and vacuum. In fact, I can never tell if someone has vacuumed, just tell me you did and I’m kosher baby!
  5. When I am home and at you leisure, I don’t consider watching you on your computer quality time. I would rather be out enjoying life; walking, dancing, playing vids together, fuck and FUCKING! THAT WOULD BE GREAT! That would be ideal. One of the best ways to spend quality time together is to fucking get it in.

Honestly, I am pretty sure my man’s emotions comes from blue balls. Straight up! And he does it to himself. I’m sexual intercourses’ number one fan!! LEGIT! In my ideal world, I would have sex every morning, afternoon delight once a week and finish the day off with a good oral sesh. My man is good once a month. Literally. In fact that last time we had sex beginning of March. The last time we made love with months and months ago. He has so much built up in him, that I swear all his emotions are locked and stocked in his fun stick. Just release baby, release and let go.

Another re-occurring thing that keeps coming up is jealousy. Jealousy gets you nowhere, aside from being a Facebook creeper.  So what, a couple of dudes may think your lady is hot stuff. In case you didn’t notice that is a mother fucking compliment. In my case specifically, I get paid to look pretty, I am aware that my photos will be seen by scholars (haha) and weirdos, but its part of my job. It pays the bills.  I brag about the size of my man’s penis all the time. Any girl would be happy to go for a ride with him, but he’s mine. I’m not scared or threatened he’s going to use his joystick against me (Just happy he’ll use it in me).

Jealousy is a waste of time, effort, and brings out the worst in people. Any relationship with jealousy issues needs to be reflected upon. Like, actually.

I think that all the men in the world are slowly losing their testosterone. Seriously! Ever since Justin Beiber hit the scene, mans vagina has only increased in size!!! (That however is another night, another blog, another story.)

 

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Negative Nancy: Suck It.

Negative outlooks on life are overrated. I’m sorry folks, but what the fuck died and made half the world emo all of a sudden? I get it, in some parts of the world and perhaps the majority of the time it’s a shitty place, but it always, always, ALWAYS … could be worse.

Now, I find myself, more or less a positive person. Even in my most down in the dumps, sitting in the shit moments, I always try to find a positive outlook. For instance:

  • Yes I burned my hair with a curling iron, but at least I have hair…
  • Yes, the awkward cellphone tan embedded on my face is embarrassing and potentially cancerous, but at least it’s not raining…
  • Yes, The Beibster is a Canadian brat, but at least we have…Mayor Rob Ford?…and bacon.
  • Yes, sleeping with a Welsh man, 10 years my senior was a terrible highlight of my life and an utter waist of 2 minutes, but at least I’ve been able to warn others of the Welsh…
  • Yes, passing out in the elevator only to be woken up by an old man poking me with what I can only assume is a cane was not ideal at all, but at least my half eaten McNuggets and french fries were semi luke warm…

I think you get were we are going with this. Things could be worse, (yes things could be better), but things can always be worse. Seriously. It is this way of thinking that has allowed me to float through this world like a fart in the wind. “Pfff…”

Now, I am speaking for myself here, and … … … no FUCK IT, I am speaking for a shitload of peeps right now, Negative Nancy’s are not needed in anyone’s life. There is nothing worse than sitting with someone who always bitches and moans about the world, they are always down in the dumps complaining about fucking everything. Fucking die already and stop sucking up human air. Honestly, these people are a real life suck. If you are so unhappy about every god damn thing, acting like fucking ‘Queen of Les Miserables Cunt’, off yourself already please. You are not appreciated or needed.

Now, some may speculate some of this Negative Nancy-‘esque’ quality is due to low self-esteem (I am definitely part of that some). The way to fix your self-esteem is to keep your head up kid! If that doesn’t work here are a few things I do to ditch my low self-esteem:

  • Bust a nut/bruise the beaver. If anything, masturbation is the ultimate body booster.
  • Cat Videos. Straight up.
  • Watch videos on Save Children in Poverty. Yes, it’s grim, but hey it’s not you. Didn’t I saw it could be worse?
  • The Human Centipede, you’ll hate me for watching it, but always thank me, because that shit ain’t you and if it is, your self-esteem issues are a loss cause.
  • The realization you are waking up in your own bed, hammock, futon, whatever the fuck you have.
  • Remember you can’t put toothpaste back in a tube. You aren’t toothpaste.

Honestly, it’s little thoughts and things like this that will brighten your spirits. LEGIT!.

You could do the Poe thing and emo the shit out of your poetry, but there are only so many words that rhyme with death, egregious, and fortnight. It’s not worth it, really.

You see, the thing with both negativity and positivity is they are contagious. Which would you rather spread?