Negative Nancy: Suck It.

Negative outlooks on life are overrated. I’m sorry folks, but what the fuck died and made half the world emo all of a sudden? I get it, in some parts of the world and perhaps the majority of the time it’s a shitty place, but it always, always, ALWAYS … could be worse.

Now, I find myself, more or less a positive person. Even in my most down in the dumps, sitting in the shit moments, I always try to find a positive outlook. For instance:

  • Yes I burned my hair with a curling iron, but at least I have hair…
  • Yes, the awkward cellphone tan embedded on my face is embarrassing and potentially cancerous, but at least it’s not raining…
  • Yes, The Beibster is a Canadian brat, but at least we have…Mayor Rob Ford?…and bacon.
  • Yes, sleeping with a Welsh man, 10 years my senior was a terrible highlight of my life and an utter waist of 2 minutes, but at least I’ve been able to warn others of the Welsh…
  • Yes, passing out in the elevator only to be woken up by an old man poking me with what I can only assume is a cane was not ideal at all, but at least my half eaten McNuggets and french fries were semi luke warm…

I think you get were we are going with this. Things could be worse, (yes things could be better), but things can always be worse. Seriously. It is this way of thinking that has allowed me to float through this world like a fart in the wind. “Pfff…”

Now, I am speaking for myself here, and … … … no FUCK IT, I am speaking for a shitload of peeps right now, Negative Nancy’s are not needed in anyone’s life. There is nothing worse than sitting with someone who always bitches and moans about the world, they are always down in the dumps complaining about fucking everything. Fucking die already and stop sucking up human air. Honestly, these people are a real life suck. If you are so unhappy about every god damn thing, acting like fucking ‘Queen of Les Miserables Cunt’, off yourself already please. You are not appreciated or needed.

Now, some may speculate some of this Negative Nancy-‘esque’ quality is due to low self-esteem (I am definitely part of that some). The way to fix your self-esteem is to keep your head up kid! If that doesn’t work here are a few things I do to ditch my low self-esteem:

  • Bust a nut/bruise the beaver. If anything, masturbation is the ultimate body booster.
  • Cat Videos. Straight up.
  • Watch videos on Save Children in Poverty. Yes, it’s grim, but hey it’s not you. Didn’t I saw it could be worse?
  • The Human Centipede, you’ll hate me for watching it, but always thank me, because that shit ain’t you and if it is, your self-esteem issues are a loss cause.
  • The realization you are waking up in your own bed, hammock, futon, whatever the fuck you have.
  • Remember you can’t put toothpaste back in a tube. You aren’t toothpaste.

Honestly, it’s little thoughts and things like this that will brighten your spirits. LEGIT!.

You could do the Poe thing and emo the shit out of your poetry, but there are only so many words that rhyme with death, egregious, and fortnight. It’s not worth it, really.

You see, the thing with both negativity and positivity is they are contagious. Which would you rather spread?

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