Fifty Shades of Cait

There are many layers to people (excluding Paris Hilton and the Kardashians). I’m talking about real people here, folks. I am fortunately in the same category as Pinnochio. After all, he is a real boy, and though unlike him I do not have wood for my naughty bits I have many shades to me.

And so….my gift to you…

  1. I was voted Girl most likely … and yes that is an elipses. You see, no one could figure out or make up something for me to be most likely to do. Fuck, I could have been girl most likely to take a shit in the cafeteria crock pot. I would not have cared and chances are that happened, but alas, people suck.
  2. I secretly love and hate pickles at the same time.
  3. I once used a q-tip as a tampon.
  4. I once used a tampon as a q-tip.
  5. I talk to myself, but I don’t know who causes it.
  6. I swiped right on Tinder to a guy who said he was Batman. He lied.
  7. I am a silent crier and look beautiful doing it.
  8. When I am incredibly stressed, I can not communicate anything. Instead, I’m stroking out-not computing.  Green/blue screening…and yes I am a robot.
  9. I’m popping anti-depressants like TicTacs and I feel rather Ben Stein about the whole thing. (Beuller…..Beuller…)
  10. CAITLYN JENNER! Seriously! One of the main reasons for #9. So here’s the thing. Your entire family spells their names with a K (Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, Kris, Kendall, Kylie {And yes, I realize its sad I know all their names} ) And you decide, you have the audacity to spell yours with a C. And not just that but spell it almost identical to mine. Now, I get I did not invent my spelling and I get that its a free country AND I GET I am being a little narcissistic here. BUT FOR FUCKS SAKES! Really, Caitlyn Jenner! Really? You then decide to have a show entitled Call me Cait. What is this??? I AM CAIT! ME! I AM CAIT!  I. AM. CAIT!!! rAWr!!! And I do not approve this message (though I do support the transgender community,.. just saying)
  11. large
  12. I am happy when I am shitting.
  13. I like to think of sitting on the porcelain, taking a shit as ‘creating.’
  14. I’m mildly obsessed with Dandelion tea.
  15. My Jeep’s name is Robin Boy Wonder.
  16. One of my favourite things to do is nothing.
  17. I’m incredibly lonely and use my farts to keep me company.
  18. I’ve seriously considered injecting Starbucks into my blood stream.
  19. I’m never serious.
  20. My cat is part of me. She’s a bitch and an asshole.
  21. My first daughter will be name after my family dog.
  22. My second child’s name will be in honour of my favourite beer.
  23. I’ve since realized I’m terrible at naming things.
  24. When in doubt! RUB ONE OUT!
  25. Or do yoga. I do yoga.
  26. My period is my enemy. When it comes its a bitch, when it doesn’t its a mean cruel joke.
  27. I’m pro-choice.
  28. My period is too blame for my shitty personality.
  29. I’m charming as fuck.tumblr_mhu0hs2qkP1r7svm0o1_500
  30. I am awesome. Like actually.
  31. I pee in the shower.
  32. I once peed in my cats littler box.
  33. I set approximately, 9 alarms in the morning, each 15 minutes apart, starting as early as 7:30 am.
  34. I usually wake up at 10 am.
  35. I brush my hair before bed.
  36. I  use a fro pick
  37. I do know the Muffin Man.
  38. I do not get the period blues. Instead, I count my blessings.
  39. I only have one blessing: Not pregnant.
  40. I used to wear swimming caps until I realized I looked like a thumb in a swimsuit.
  41. I once attempted to baptize my cat.(Side Note: Baptizing a cat is about as easy as collecting pennies from a Jew)
  42. After 7 years of being someone’s girlfriend, I am now officially single. (Just like all my socks :-()
  43. One of my biggest fears is Little Orphan Annie.
  44. Last night I used my Ouija to connect to Helen Keller. She never responded.
  45.  I just realized…079b84c331d6dbc7bf2e053a4fbc87a3
  46. I love naps.
  47. I can not, and do not like curry. I would rather like Donald Trumps taint.
  48. I am afraid of my car’s rape locks.
  49. Siri is the worst friend ever.
  50. James Van Der Beek.dawsons-ugly-cry


Well, folks.  There is certainly more to me, than there is to me. And hopefully, these 50 shades of yours truly enlightened you all…..