Today was a sad day for me. I woke up, someone who is 31 years old, uncertain of what to do with their life, with a wonderful dog (who maybe has 5 years left of his life), a renter, a cheque to cheque kinda woman, with no family close by.
Before I was always working towards something, now I am working with no sense of direction and just all around saddness.
My friends, I am so sad today. All day just silent tears drifting down my face as I go through my mundane routine.
I love my boy Barrie. I love him so much, that if it wasn’t for him I certainly wouldn’t be here right now. He makes me so happy, that when I cuddle him in the back of my mind is saddness, because I know he won’t always be here for me. At some point he will go, and I’ll be here, with his smell all through my clothes and furniture. And I’ll be sad. A truely heartbreaking kind of sadness.
I haven’t been home in almost 5 years. Quite a few reasons why I have chosen not to go back, but ultimately the main one being financial. It’s quite expensive to see the family, and yet for whatever reason my subconsious seems intent on spending the possible funds for a trip home on alcohol and materialist things that won’t last.
I’m not where I wanted to be. In truth, I wasn’t always a spinster, I used to think by 30 I would be married or in some sort of relationship that resembled it. I thought maybe a kid would be happening or a home or something concrete. But sitting here now at 31, nothing.
I’m sad again. And not sad again in the terms of just being sad, but I believe my depression has greeted me yet again, which makes me even sadder. I don’t like this feeling. Its a terrible feeling, and one I fear most.
I’m just a sad bitch, and to be honest, the only thing that is keeping me here, is my boy Barrie. If I didn’t have him, I wouldn’t be sad because I would’nt be here. It worries me, when he does go though.
Friends, I am just a sad bitch. Hoping———–praying that this too will pass because this feeling isn’t worth any type of feeling.