I Got Answers!

You got questions, folks, well I got answers. No more asking Jeeves, when you can ask, yours truly. Well, okay this little bloggy blog is obviously more about me and not about why pluto isn’t a planet anymore, or why Trump is an asshole(but seriously if you don’t know the answer to that one….stop sniffing paint cans, friends) , AND hey I haven’t written in quite sometime and I feel we need to have another get to know you sesh, by you friendlies getting to know me. Think of it as the touchy feely without the touchy feely.

Lets roll.

What is the best feeling in your world? Letting out a steaming hot pee after drinking Americano’s all day and secretly allowing my sweet anal air whispers to be released after holding them all shift.

What is the first thing you do in the morning? Wake up.

How old are the oldest pair of shoes you own? 11 years folks! I know impressive, right? I got my mukluks from my mom in ’05 and still rock them to this very day. Although they certainly have seen better days and may not have a sole on them, but they are my little lost boy shoes, that I will keep FOR-EV-ER!

What is a weird attribute that you have? I name all my inanimate objects. For example: to grab some food I open  the Mr. Cocoa and for example right now, I am typing this on my Polly whiles sitting on a Ralph. I, however would not describe this as weird as much as I would describe it as unique.

What is/was your favourite Saturday morning cartoon growing up? Gargoyles.

What is your biggest regret? Aside from not taking a whiff of Amy Adams, beautiful locks on set, it would be buying the Backstreet Boys Greatest Hits…CD. Yeah, I don’t want to talk about it…but I will say this. I was depressed, shopping away my problems and in that weak, weak moment I thought they could show me the meaning of being lonely. Instead they should me the meaning of being a loser. Capital L on that too.

What turns you on, spiritually, emotionally, creatively? That’s an intense question. And I have an intense answer. NOTHING! Only joshing, folks. Obi wan-kenobi turns me on, plus he and I are on first name basis now, aren’t we Ben?

Do you have any Phobias? Yes, I do. SMALL ROUND THINGS. They gross me the fuck out. Marbles can die, Maltesers can die, don’t even get me started on peas and cherries. So you are probably thinking…what the fucking, mother fuck, fuck is this girls problem? Its a textile thing really. The feeling of these things in my hands makes me want to cut my hand off and donate it to the Salvation Army. Why? Because nobody fucking wants that shit.

What is one thing you seriously despise? Well, I will give you two. 1) Lines in journals. I absolutely can not toleratethem. Why? Well, I am a creative spirit and although I can colour in the lines on pictures, writing on lines/in between lines/beside lines/or whateverthefuck is not my thing. My writing/the chicken scratch that it is needs to be not restricted. It needs to flow up and down and in circles and spirals and whatever it chooses to do.  Honestly,   my journals look like I had an epileptic seizure trying to spell fu–_@#$%70958h3rck. 2) Would be questions.

What is a word you dislike? Egg. The way it sounds, the muscles in my mouth I have to use to say, how it is spelled. Everything about it really. Did you know all through public school I thought Freddie Mercury died of eggs. Yeah, perhaps that is where my first dislike of the word came from. Eggs, killed a musical, talented, prick. That and Humpty Dumpty is a shit head.

Worst roommate you every had? EV-ER-Y SINGLE ONE! Including my cat, she’s an asshole. (xoxo Olive.)

Is there anything you will not do under any circumstance? RED DRAGONS.

What is the worst pet you ever owned? Caterpillars, fucking caterpillar. What a waste of containers that was.

What is the hardest thing you ever done? MATH! Is that an answer? I am going to use it as one anyways.

What is something you would like to forget? The time I poured my ‘heart; out to my ex  after he pick me up on Halloween. Picture this: Cait, high and druSKhH1Fg1hF-8nk, crying, in a skunk costume, saying to my ex man, You don’t love me anymore.!!! Ugh so gross. I just grossed myself out right there. I hate when I get the feels, and say stupid shit. But my costume was dope and although I lost best costume to the Glitter Fairy Queen, I still had a great night. And he deserved to win anyways.

WELL! There you have it folks, short and sweet just like me! Sure, this one was a quickie but hopefully you left a little more satisfied knowing just a little more about me.

Until next time….

 

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Car, please!

Okay people, I can’t take it anymore. I NEED A CAR! Now, hold the phone for a second…okay seconds up.

Most of you, shitheads are probably thinking; Buy a car women! Well, it ain’t that easy and I ain’t that cheap. I’ve got school debt to pay off, a man and pussy (meow) to support, and with work in the film industry coming and going out like a fart and quickly I might add, I ain’t getting a car anytime soon. Unless I enlist in the taxi service, start blowing directors for my big break, win the fucking lottery, or pimp out my man…Alas, a car will have to wait. In the meantime, while waiting for my future FIAT I will list reasons as to why I need a automobile.

  • The other day I was on the bus full of fucking weirdos. Some dude was laughing hysterically behind me at everything, and I mean fucking everything. It brought back horrible memories of the movie Killer Klowns from Outer Space (yes, this is an actual movie). With joker behind me, I had a native lady a few seats ahead talking to some bloke about masturbation (for once it wasn’t me). Nonetheless I did not enjoy hearing it.
  • Awkward moments in public suck, awkward moments on the bus are even worse. I strongly dislike the moments when I am about to get on the bus and I see someone in line for the same bus that I  know. Now, this I think many people can relate too. Whether you encounter the one night stand you would like to forget, someone you aren’t quite sure if you fucked or just some acquaintance from you past. Either way, simply not good. You then contemplate (as I often do), do I get on the bus? Wait for the next one? Take the long way home? Pretend you don’t even see them, or if you are lucky you get on the bus first and pretend to sleep, hoping they don’t attempt to chat your ass up. Sometimes I muster up my metaphorical balls and give them a one liner and hope they get off the bus soon and I pray they don’t sit beside me. Unfortunately, God hates me and he usually doesn’t answer my prayers.
  • People like this:Funny-people-on-the-bus-6-1299668679
  • People like that:weird-people-on-public-transport1
  • The weird aromas on the bus are completely uncalled for! IT’S CALLED DEODORANT PEOPLE! Fucking swipe your pits with this shit and you’ll smell real good. If you ain’t swiping your pits or using perfume/cologne/Febreeze, come summer shit starts to stink. I tell you, I have smelt terrible things: molding ass, rotting eggs, onions, curried B O…hell I can vomit  just thinking about all the sick odors my nose has encounter on the bus. Honestly, the only thing that can save me in these moments are the smell of my own farts, and they don’t smell like roses I tell you what.
  • Usually, when I am on the bus, I am plugged into my iPhone, listening to the Ace Man and reading a book with no pictures (yes, I’ve finally graduated from comics….not really). Anyways, I find it is always in these moments of my tuning out of the world, some nosy asswipe attempts to tune me back in. For years I would cave and let those mother fuckers chat me up. Nowadays when the bus folk try to commune with me I act like the hearing impaired and sign them the finger. Sometimes I go Helen Keller on their ass which 99.9% of the time leads to them moving a few seats away. {SIDE NOTE: Act completely retarded and those fuckers are off the bus lickity split).
  • Now those of you who seriously know me are aware I am somewhat claustrophobic. Not to the extent that you leave me in a small room and I freak out, but an elevator with a deadly fart is a near fatal experience, (air fecal matter is not a laughing matter). Being on a bus packed full of muggles (and wizards I am sure), is not something I look forward to. I literally have to stick my head out like a fucking mutt just to bare the ride home. If I had a car, I could laugh at the people crammed packed on the bus, but I am not so fortunate.
  • I tell you looking at all the privileged folk sitting their asses down in their car (yes these people are privileged) as I ride the bus is depressing. Even if they are driving a 1982 Volvo, they got the fucking life. I can not wait to be a privileged asshole driving my lazy cunt around like no tomorrow.
  • Finally and certainly not least, bus stops are sick. I’m sure I’ve caught some venereal diseases or STD’s just waiting at those shit holes. I would rather walk through the projects without my homies than wait at a fucking bus stop.

You see folks, I could really use a vehicle, even if I got to run my feet on the bottom like Fred fucking Flintstone. I say, lets buy me a car! Or shall I say, let me, let you, buy me a car!!! Please…

Choosing a New Career Path

Today I have been brainstorming other possible employment choices.

Perhaps I can sponge automobiles.

Make strategy guides for video games.

Pick up people’s pockets.

Perform Polenastics.

Be inseminated by spermies.

Sell my farts in a sealable cup.

Become a super hero.

Create socks that never get lost in the dryer.

Become a professional pie taster.

Clip my toe nails and sell them at a lemonade stand.

Aide the elderly in road crossing.

Be an alarm clock.

Fish for crabs and no not the fishing kind.

Become a Jew.

Charge people for eye fucking.

Watch the world through binoculars.

Blow bottles to create boom booms.

Crop dust naughty bits.

Take pictures of hobos defecating in front of graffiti.

Take pictures of nuns in front of graffiti.

Model radiation suits.

Be an alter boy.

Alter boys.

I can be a dog walker and walks cats.

Donate/be paid to give my boyfriends body to science.

Invest in nipple counting.

A Proctologist

Certify myself in quarter flipping.

Uncork blow holes for whales.

Learn to Bible bump.

Take professional selfies.

Become a Ryan Seacrest impersonator.

Be paid to sniff belly buttons.

(To Be Continued)…

Olive

ImageThis is Olive!ImageShe is my bestest friend in the whole world.

ImageShe always has my back.

ImageShe is always by my side.

ImageLaundry overwhelms her.

ImageShe is a bit of a tool, but that is okay.

ImageCall of Duty is our bitch, she’ll never leave me Left for Dead.

dumb fuck

She gonna cat-dumb-fuck you up!

ImageShe gets into shit. Legit!

ImageSometimes I think she might have Down Syndrome.

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But then I realize, she just be crazy!

lazy

And she be lazy as fuck.

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She wakes us up with no eggs or bakey, she is an alarm clock in the making.

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She gets balls deep in comfort.

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balls

And sometimes she is just balls deep.

photo bombs

She photo bombs all my photos!

pipes 068

She is a tank!

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She is epic, for no reason.

Pizza

She loves PIZZA!

sandwhich

And sandwiches too!

selfies

She has mastered the selfie!

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She has great taste in music.

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Grooms herself well.

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She is a stone-cold killa!

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She thinks she is a ninja, but really she is just a creeper.

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She loves to cuddle the fuck out of people.

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She is often deep in thought.

space ship

She thinks she can fly, but I don’t tell her else wise.

whole new world

She is always seeking adventure.

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She flaunts what she gots.

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Together, our guild is growing strong!

model

I love her so much!

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This is Olive.