Pollinated by the Wind.

GUESS WHAT FUCKERS!!! I’M BACK!!! Now isn’t that just the sweetest way to say HELLO after almost a year or so hiatus. Truth be told, I have been blogging, documenting life’s little tidbits in my trusty little handwritten book, and just be too god damn lazy to type them up. But don’t worry dear friends. Time will come when these lil doodle poetics will be placed on the cyber net for your viewing pleasure only.

Anywho, I thought I’d blog ya’lls with a lil update on me. (So not narcissistic at all)….

So since I’m a 27 year old biddy, and excellent at writing lists, that is what I shall do.

  • My last blog was about me getting a baby. And no, I’m not talking about shitting out a kid or buying Mongolian toddlers from the black market. I got myself, a dog, name Barrie St.Bernard. And yes, that is his full name.
  • My cat Olive, only enjoys Barrie St.Bernard for the shear fact he eats her shit. Other than that, he is the Bane of her existence. (And yes, Bane as in Batman.)
  • I’ve up and left my last humble abode. And graduated from the Upper Ghetto of New West to Chateau El’La Shanty Town, Burnaby.
  • My 6th anniversary with my man was forgotten. La Fin.ac48f32f3daca5a9f9eb4d8686938ff2
  • I looked in the mirror one day and realized how time flies by. Also discovered a new freckle. I named it Dotty
  • Did spring cleaning in December and liked it. Also found some cheese string in a pair of denims I haven’t worn since circa,08;
  • Became addicted to Red Bull after a gaming marathon which resulted in me stroking out after I lost 142 of my saves.
  • My girlfriend passed away this summer. Incredibly heart-breaking.
  • Finally, a few of the movies I worked on are out. Check out, Step Up 5, Big Eyes, If I Stay, Night of The Museum 3 and more. I will say this my endeavors of becoming an actor have resulted in me being ‘arm-candy’, a statue, ‘girl with tray’, serving wench, ‘sad girl 2’, ‘a hungry I’, ‘wedding guest’ , ‘hand double’ etc.…My resume must be looking pretty tasty right about now.
  • Did the ALS ice bucket challenge and actually donated 100$.
  • I still wear a fanny pack.
  • My daily trips to the dog park without a dog park are no more! I am now a real person and have Barrie to venture to the parks too. Perfect place to smoke my medicine, and unwind while Barrie roams free in a fenced off area, a place that resembles a concentration camp. Anne Frank would be proud…How…ideal…
  • Convinced myself that rolling my eyes is burning calories. FYI it is.
  • I now practice drinking coffee black/decaf/with a straw/peppermint gum. Why I’m practicing? Fuck if I know.
  • Held my fart in once for a whole day, just so I could dutch-oven my man, after he forgot to take out the trash. (Future reference for anyone who has the pleasure of living with me. TAKE OUT THE TRASH).
  • New Love: Matthew Goode.
  • I realized:…..even-god-wont-save-you-worst-bad-childrens-book-vintage
  • Finally retired my Peter Rabbit stuffy to the closet. Don’t worry I’m sure he will come out of the closet again. If Anne Heche can, Peter Rabbit can too.
  • I now only make status updates on Facebook while sitting on the toilet.
  • Decided to take up cooking, by buying a microwave. Only to return it, when I realized I don’t enjoy cooking.
  • Attempted to hold a quarter in my stink crease. (Still have not found the quarter)
  • Slept in the parking lot of Timmy Ho’s. (Clearly, a high point in my life).
  • Put my car Mia, out to pasture. She’s such a slag.
  • Went home for the holidays to see the fam. So in love with being the crazy auntie from out West.
  • I wrote Dr. Phil a love letter. Also went into great detail about how I feel I’ve been pollinated by the wind. He has yet to respond. Xoxo.
  • All summer I feasted on Mexican food while living in this great city of ours.
  • YOLO, mother fucker, YOLO.

26 Mind blowing Things

Alrighty folks, friends, followers, lovers, peeps, homies, whateverthefuck, today is the day I am one year older. Yup, you heard it hear first folks, it’s been 26 years since my mother shat out a big headed, jaundiced, happy lil babe with the likes of Topo Gigio. Now, in this 26 year bender of mine, I assure you I have learned and maintained some knowledge of random somethings and I feel obligated to share this usefully useless information with you.

Let us begin!

1) No matter what, Grandma knows best.I only have half a mind to write a whole other list in this blog as to why grandmas (especially mine) are rock solid wise old biddies. Here are just a few things I’ve cherished about my beloved grandma;

  • She gave boyfriend advice to friends and family by using myself as an example. She did so by explaining that more people should be like me because I get a little taste of everything (take that how you will.)
  • She knocked me out unconscious (BY ACCIDENT I assure you) after I was pretending to actually be sleeping. I didn’t wake up until noon the next day, best sleep of my life.
  • I was driving before I was legally able to drive. Granted I also didn’t get my license until I was 20. She and I would do Meals-On-Wheels for the old people and let me just tell you that at the time my grandma was well over 70.
  • My love for cards would be non-existent if it wasn’t for her. Little known fact, The King Of Hearts has no mustache, Grandma told me it was because he’s no sphincter master. Sphincter’s to make coffee…..right?

2) Cat’s are never your friends. Intensely - Cat with mean face

3) The best way to break an awkward silence moment is by an anal air attack. However, if that is also silent, then you’ve failed.

4) Puns are a way of life.

5) Things could always be worse. It could be raining balls (the man kind), you could be doing the pee-pee dance only as an attempt to waff out the giant fart you refused to take ownership in that happened 5 minutes ago, having every channel with The Rosie O’Donnell Show, not being able to fit your cookie in your glass of milk, playing Fable 3, pan-handling for pennies at the Panda Express, etc. etc.

6) Hip chucking is the best form of showcasing ones friendship.

7) Cracking wise is an awesome form of release. Cracking wise while rubbing one out even better.

8) French Fries  are worship worthy. Whoever invented the French Fry deserves a shrine. Mayo and fries, ketchup and fries, plum sauce and fries, vinegar and fries, fries and fries, yam fries, sweet potato fries, JUMBO fries…..mmmmm….fries…..

9) Tampons make great ghosts for Halloween.788d78391c8a631373a153c0d57628d5

10) Weekly clipping of finger and toe nails is a must.

11) Instead of using the toggly bit on the vacuum that is supposed to suck up all the scum in cracks of furniture and corners of the walls, I use a lint roller. When I’m too lazy for the ‘Lint Roller Method’ I cover it up or close my eyes.

12) Pancake dinners are the WHAMBAM! Especially when big ol’ PopPop would make them into Mickey Mouse heads.

13) Blogs arenot’ wirth having purfect spelling or grammer, becuz who da fuck gives a damn, nowone said you needed too be a scholar to blog nonsense.

14) Some things are better left unsaid.

15)…. …. ….

16) After being told for years to lead by example, I’ve inherited one saying to lead my people: Do as I say and not as I do.

17) I’ve said this before in previous blogs and I’ll say it again. COLLECT THEM BOTTLECAPS!

18) A great workout is the best way to feel confident and show it to the world. It’s also the best way to get a good healthy shit brewing in your tumtum.

19) Dan Aykroyd was a fox back in them Buster years.

20) The easiest way to move passed depression is to get over it. (Words spoken by a wise old mama who dressed up as Ronald MacDonald and went to my school for no reason, accept embarrassing me).

21) Having sisters is totally worth the syncing of menstrual flows and moody bitches.

22) There are more things in the world then Candy Crush.

23) The Little Hobo is the ultimate super hero. (Ever since Ben Affleck has been cast at Batman, he no longer is number one. Thanks Ben, NOW GO EAT YOUR CEREAL!)

24) There is no place like home.

25) The best part of waking up is Timmy’s in my cup.Oh and Dr. Phil.

26) whatever-you-re-doing-it-s-not-as-important-as-petting-the-cat-funny-poster-print Especially on acid.

There you have it, some of the random facts of life I was able to maintain through my 26 years of having a heart beating. Some even MIND-BLOWING! Of course, I’ve learned more, I’m not some dumb ass inbred name Cletus that auntie/mom and uncle/brother created. I am the result of two awesome parents and a 6 pack of Blue.

One DAM Night!

First off, before I tell you about my night on Saturday, March 2nd, at the Giggle Dam, let me get something off my chest. Who the fuck calls a place the Giggle Dam? Honestly, it sounds like something I put up tight in my gash to prevent accidents. (Yes, my cunt laughs). Another thing, giggle is such a funny word. Giggle. Alright, I’m done, that’s all I had.

So for those of you who don’t know the Giggle Dam is dinner theatre, more specifically comedy dinner theatre. Now, I have been to my fair share of dinner theatres, I’ve been to murder mysteries, musicals and they are very much a 50/50 thing. Some are pretty ‘neat’, others suck balls. This one was ‘meh’, but enjoyable nonetheless. Now, it’s usually hard for me to enjoy shows, mainly because I have done theatre and currently act in and around Vancouver, (knowing the ins and outs of the business can sometimes demolish the surprise). 

When I attend dinner theatre, my heart instantly goes out to the actors, whether they want it or not. Man, do I feel sorry for those suckers. That is the one place I do not ever want to end up with my acting career, I would rather work at a Denny’s before I hit the dinner theatre. (Please keep in mind this is matter of opinion, also keep in mind my opinion matters). I’m sure the actors enjoy themselves there, it at least seems like they do, which is a good sign (for them).  For me, not my thing, I’ll go there to watch, to eat and not pay for a ticket, but that is the most involvement I want in dinner theatre.

The theme for that night’s show was 8o’s, that’s cool, I dig, although I think 80’s have been over done. When we enter the theatre we are assigned seats, because my boyfriend and I were there, along with his family to celebrate his dad’s birthday we sat very close to the stage. (Always a bonus).

They have their appetizer out already waiting for us on the table. I did not eat it, nor did my boyfriend’s sister, which was somewhat funny because it was probably the most healthiest appetizer I had ever seen with tomatoes, cheese and green stuff(also known as salad). Instead we fed it to our arm candy, which they ate no problemo.

While the audience was still settling in, the actors were dressed in 80’s attire. Oh before I forgot to mention, “Ozzy Ozbourne” was also there. Now, if I were these actors I would do two things before the show: do a line of coke or be drunk as fuck (especially since it was the finale show). I did not see evidence of any of these actors doing this, for that, I applaud them greatly.

Once the audience has arrived and the doors to the theatre are closed the show begins. The host comes out, English accent (fake), punk/rock rocker kind of vibe going on, tank, leather, mullet wig etc. He cracks wise, kind of funny, introduces the other actors, the sounds guys, makes some announcements and the show officially, officially begins.

Now call me cunt if you wish, but I do not think the sounds operators and backstage hand need to be mentioned. Who the fuck cares, but the actors anyways? I know I fucking don’t, especially as an audience member. Yes, they work hard, and their work is quite tedious and they need to be on the ball for the show to run through smoothly, HOWEVER! It completely ruins the element of surprise for the audience. This also goes to when the thank yous and the curtain call are happening. The audience does not care for the back stage crew, just the actors. WHY?! Because that’s all we fucking see and that is all that matters for us. We don’t pay money to see a stage hand work! Think about it! If my future offspring becomes a stage hand and asks me to attend the show, I would say fuck no! Unless of course there is full frontal nudity involved with the actors (not the stage crew).

So anyways, we order our food, and have our main courses set. The actors are performing cute, nostalgic skits, some comedy involved. Now one thing I commend dinner theatres for, is their involvement with the audience. Most of the stuff they do is in fact improv because they revolve their skits around the audience, and there is a different audience every night. This part is awesome and I definitely enjoy it!

Because it was my father in law’s birthday, (along with many other people who I don’t care about), he was selected to be in the show! AWESOME! Michael Jackson, SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!  He was dressed up as the King of Pop and was absolutely hilarious! I dribbled in my pants for sure, I was laughing so hard.

They did quite a bit of singing too. Didn’t really enjoy it so much, if I wanted to watch singers I’d go to a concert with people who can actually sing. I mean, these actors had voices for sure, and could definitely hum a tune, but fuck, just stick to the comedy.

All in all, a good night! It was long, but the food was alright, the skits were alright, but being in good company is what made it fun!

Giggle Dam, you are alright in my books.