Pollinated by the Wind.

GUESS WHAT FUCKERS!!! I’M BACK!!! Now isn’t that just the sweetest way to say HELLO after almost a year or so hiatus. Truth be told, I have been blogging, documenting life’s little tidbits in my trusty little handwritten book, and just be too god damn lazy to type them up. But don’t worry dear friends. Time will come when these lil doodle poetics will be placed on the cyber net for your viewing pleasure only.

Anywho, I thought I’d blog ya’lls with a lil update on me. (So not narcissistic at all)….

So since I’m a 27 year old biddy, and excellent at writing lists, that is what I shall do.

  • My last blog was about me getting a baby. And no, I’m not talking about shitting out a kid or buying Mongolian toddlers from the black market. I got myself, a dog, name Barrie St.Bernard. And yes, that is his full name.
  • My cat Olive, only enjoys Barrie St.Bernard for the shear fact he eats her shit. Other than that, he is the Bane of her existence. (And yes, Bane as in Batman.)
  • I’ve up and left my last humble abode. And graduated from the Upper Ghetto of New West to Chateau El’La Shanty Town, Burnaby.
  • My 6th anniversary with my man was forgotten. La Fin.ac48f32f3daca5a9f9eb4d8686938ff2
  • I looked in the mirror one day and realized how time flies by. Also discovered a new freckle. I named it Dotty
  • Did spring cleaning in December and liked it. Also found some cheese string in a pair of denims I haven’t worn since circa,08;
  • Became addicted to Red Bull after a gaming marathon which resulted in me stroking out after I lost 142 of my saves.
  • My girlfriend passed away this summer. Incredibly heart-breaking.
  • Finally, a few of the movies I worked on are out. Check out, Step Up 5, Big Eyes, If I Stay, Night of The Museum 3 and more. I will say this my endeavors of becoming an actor have resulted in me being ‘arm-candy’, a statue, ‘girl with tray’, serving wench, ‘sad girl 2’, ‘a hungry I’, ‘wedding guest’ , ‘hand double’ etc.…My resume must be looking pretty tasty right about now.
  • Did the ALS ice bucket challenge and actually donated 100$.
  • I still wear a fanny pack.
  • My daily trips to the dog park without a dog park are no more! I am now a real person and have Barrie to venture to the parks too. Perfect place to smoke my medicine, and unwind while Barrie roams free in a fenced off area, a place that resembles a concentration camp. Anne Frank would be proud…How…ideal…
  • Convinced myself that rolling my eyes is burning calories. FYI it is.
  • I now practice drinking coffee black/decaf/with a straw/peppermint gum. Why I’m practicing? Fuck if I know.
  • Held my fart in once for a whole day, just so I could dutch-oven my man, after he forgot to take out the trash. (Future reference for anyone who has the pleasure of living with me. TAKE OUT THE TRASH).
  • New Love: Matthew Goode.
  • I realized:…..even-god-wont-save-you-worst-bad-childrens-book-vintage
  • Finally retired my Peter Rabbit stuffy to the closet. Don’t worry I’m sure he will come out of the closet again. If Anne Heche can, Peter Rabbit can too.
  • I now only make status updates on Facebook while sitting on the toilet.
  • Decided to take up cooking, by buying a microwave. Only to return it, when I realized I don’t enjoy cooking.
  • Attempted to hold a quarter in my stink crease. (Still have not found the quarter)
  • Slept in the parking lot of Timmy Ho’s. (Clearly, a high point in my life).
  • Put my car Mia, out to pasture. She’s such a slag.
  • Went home for the holidays to see the fam. So in love with being the crazy auntie from out West.
  • I wrote Dr. Phil a love letter. Also went into great detail about how I feel I’ve been pollinated by the wind. He has yet to respond. Xoxo.
  • All summer I feasted on Mexican food while living in this great city of ours.
  • YOLO, mother fucker, YOLO.
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BJ’S And Book Deals

Since my recent interest in posting all of my writings via blog, a great concern has come up. Who do I need to blow to get a book deal? 

Lets go down the list shall we:

Stephen King: The Shining, Salem’s Lot, The Green Mile, Thinner, Carrie and blah blah fucking blah. I have to admit, I am definitely not a fan of this old fuck (my mother would kill me for saying that, she loves her some Stephen King). I love me some real writers. Plus, face it, giving head to an old geezer like him would be a lot of work getting her up. Not to mention thinking of his ball stink, makes me want to vomit. So when it comes to Stephen King I’ll pass.

R.L Stine: First off, he gives me goosebumps and not in a good way. On top of that he looks like a muppet. R.L. Stine Muppet, no thanks.

Nicholas Sparks: Don’t even get me started. This sappy fuck is unbelievable. He is so cheezy and romantic, I’d rather sniff a bag of dirty old assholes, than blow this cunt. That’s what he is too, a cunt. His books are so unrealistic and flaky. I’m sorry but who enjoys lying in the fucking street watching the traffic lights change? And I’d hate to admit it, but if my honey bunny lost his memory when we are both old fucks, I’d leave him or at least keep some dessert on the side, and I would definitely not read him a diary everyday. Nor do I think someone would ever say I’ll play with you as long as you promise not to fall in love with me, and then some pansy-ass cracker does. He puts so much pressure on the men in our lives that he needs to leave the pressure for us gals to put on the men. Therefore, Nicholas Sparks grow some balls. So, no.

Who wrote the Bible? I think I need to blow them, or at least their next of kin.

Mel Gibson: (I think he is the closest to the next of kin). Ya, I’d blow him. I’m pretty sure though he would end up slapping me with his purple warrior head and start slurring at my ‘Jewish’-ness (I’m native by the way). He looks constipated all the time, which is kind of sexy. Ya I’d blow Mel Gibson (check), as long as he uses a beaver for his hand. However, I have a feeling he would not give me a book deal, and instead just burn my fucking house down. Eeeesh!!!! Mel Gibson, no.

Although I do not intend to blow Mel Gibson anymore, I will instead use his name for my book. “Mel Gibson’s Masturbation Thesaurus”.  However, I will have to get it backed up by a ninja or something so he doesn’t twist my nipples……….

CHUCK NORRIS!

This is perfect. I am officially a genius.

I’ll dedicate this book to Phil Collins, because I Don’t Care Anymore.

Please, stay tuned to your nearest Chapters and used book stores for the finest toilet reader to hit the stands

every-time-you-masturbate-chuck-norris

Mel Gibson’s Masturbation Thesaurus

Written by Yours Truly

Dedicated to Phil Collins

This Message is Chuck Norris APPROVED!!