First off, I CHOSE TO BE SINGLE! After a seven year relationship that probably lasted two years longer than it should have, I finally stopped the procrastination and made a choice. TO. BE. SINGLE. Although a rather scary thought after being in a relationship for eons I took the plunge! It was and still is the best choice for me. At least for now.

OKAY, now that that is out of the way.While being a single lady, I’ve realized quite a few things about myself.

Such as:

  • I’ve resorted to climbing on counters to get to the top shelves. I haven’t done this in quite some time. Basically, I need a kitchen built for gnomes.
  • Zippers on the back of dresses will be the death of me. Seriously, I literally have to stretch and work up to doing up my zippers. This usually ends up with me asking thy neighbour to help a sista out. They have since blocked my phone calls and have posted neighbourhood watch signs all over the street.
  • I sleep easier. Granted I have two massive dogs that are the biggest cuddle bugs you could ever have. Makes the slumber more cozy.
  • I’m not as lonely as I thought I would be.  Sure I have moments where loneliness kicks in. Especially in the beginning, I thought I was the loneliest ‘sac de shit’. But it does get easier, every day gets better. Slowly, but surely.
  • I don’t feel as guilty masturbating. But i will say my hand may now have carpal tunnel (not so sure how I feel about that). This also reminds me that my booty call list is no longer applicable to me. Half are married, crazy and don’t have pagers anymore.
  • I’ve gained more of my independence back. Its super empowering and makes me feel like a real person.
  • No one is there to judge me for all the shitty shows I watch. And I watch some pretty questionable shows. My cat however, judges me, but that is just in everything I do.
  •  I drink more water. I don’t know if that has to do with me being single or the UTI I had a month ago.
  • The most action I’ve had in the last few months is someone calling me while my phone is in my pocket on vibrate. I never pick up. 079b84c331d6dbc7bf2e053a4fbc87a3
  • I don’t feel guilty for hanging out with my friends and coworkers.
  • I can cook whatever I want and not be bitched out for the crap I eat, Hey! I love my KD Tuesdays okay.
  • No arguments over video game time. Video game time is my time, all the time.
  • I don’t have to smell anybody else’s farts.
  • The only ego I need to stroke is now my own. I am so proud of you, Cait!
  • The only arguments I have are with me, myself and I. Usually, we are all on the same side.
  • Perhaps, the most beneficial aspect of being single for me is working on myself. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!!

I’m sure when I’m a 40 year old spinster my views may change a little, but thus far being single is A O K with me.


The GYNO Experience

Today was the unfortunate, unsettling day of going to the Gyno Master….I mean Doctor.

Making that appointment once a year is easy peasy. Showing up for it is another thing.

This is how much I dislike a visit to the Gyno, while they circumnavigate my naughty bits:

  • I would rather use gum as a rubber instead of spreading my legs for a pappy pap.
  • I would rather smell a cup of farts (preferably my own) instead of butterflying my legs while a ginormous clamp inserts into my tunnel of love
  • I would rather listen to Michael Bolton, every time I took a shit, instead of having long tipped q-tip waxing my insides.

This list could go on, I assure you. But I’ll continue this tall tale of the privacy of my privates being exposed.

I’m out there. Like all out there. Legs spread. Lower half naked. Glad I groomed and showered before lying my naked butt on the damn long paper. Good thing about cleansing before hand, you don’t leave skid marks.

Anyhow, Doctor comes in. Asks me how I am, I kindly tell her that she is about to enter my pleasure zone with tongs. All in all, uncomfortable.

She inserts the forceps or whatever they are called. It literally felt like she was mining for blood cells, had she been working any harder she would have scraped my teeth out. Here I am, just trying not to fart or dribble.

Then she finally stops and tells me she will have to pull out. I ask why, she replies “Your cervix seems to be hiding on us”. Excuse me? My what is hiding? I was completely unaware that cervix’s played Peek-a-boo, apparently they do.

It was one of those moments, that cracked me up. It was something you hear in a Judd Apatow flick. Needless to say, she eventually found my cervix.

And that was my trip to the Gyno. Until next time…..ugh…….