#Single

First off, I CHOSE TO BE SINGLE! After a seven year relationship that probably lasted two years longer than it should have, I finally stopped the procrastination and made a choice. TO. BE. SINGLE. Although a rather scary thought after being in a relationship for eons I took the plunge! It was and still is the best choice for me. At least for now.

OKAY, now that that is out of the way.While being a single lady, I’ve realized quite a few things about myself.

Such as:

  • I’ve resorted to climbing on counters to get to the top shelves. I haven’t done this in quite some time. Basically, I need a kitchen built for gnomes.
  • Zippers on the back of dresses will be the death of me. Seriously, I literally have to stretch and work up to doing up my zippers. This usually ends up with me asking thy neighbour to help a sista out. They have since blocked my phone calls and have posted neighbourhood watch signs all over the street.
  • I sleep easier. Granted I have two massive dogs that are the biggest cuddle bugs you could ever have. Makes the slumber more cozy.
  • I’m not as lonely as I thought I would be.  Sure I have moments where loneliness kicks in. Especially in the beginning, I thought I was the loneliest ‘sac de shit’. But it does get easier, every day gets better. Slowly, but surely.
  • I don’t feel as guilty masturbating. But i will say my hand may now have carpal tunnel (not so sure how I feel about that). This also reminds me that my booty call list is no longer applicable to me. Half are married, crazy and don’t have pagers anymore.
  • I’ve gained more of my independence back. Its super empowering and makes me feel like a real person.
  • No one is there to judge me for all the shitty shows I watch. And I watch some pretty questionable shows. My cat however, judges me, but that is just in everything I do.
  •  I drink more water. I don’t know if that has to do with me being single or the UTI I had a month ago.
  • The most action I’ve had in the last few months is someone calling me while my phone is in my pocket on vibrate. I never pick up. 079b84c331d6dbc7bf2e053a4fbc87a3
  • I don’t feel guilty for hanging out with my friends and coworkers.
  • I can cook whatever I want and not be bitched out for the crap I eat, Hey! I love my KD Tuesdays okay.
  • No arguments over video game time. Video game time is my time, all the time.
  • I don’t have to smell anybody else’s farts.
  • The only ego I need to stroke is now my own. I am so proud of you, Cait!
  • The only arguments I have are with me, myself and I. Usually, we are all on the same side.
  • Perhaps, the most beneficial aspect of being single for me is working on myself. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!!

I’m sure when I’m a 40 year old spinster my views may change a little, but thus far being single is A O K with me.

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Pollinated by the Wind.

GUESS WHAT FUCKERS!!! I’M BACK!!! Now isn’t that just the sweetest way to say HELLO after almost a year or so hiatus. Truth be told, I have been blogging, documenting life’s little tidbits in my trusty little handwritten book, and just be too god damn lazy to type them up. But don’t worry dear friends. Time will come when these lil doodle poetics will be placed on the cyber net for your viewing pleasure only.

Anywho, I thought I’d blog ya’lls with a lil update on me. (So not narcissistic at all)….

So since I’m a 27 year old biddy, and excellent at writing lists, that is what I shall do.

  • My last blog was about me getting a baby. And no, I’m not talking about shitting out a kid or buying Mongolian toddlers from the black market. I got myself, a dog, name Barrie St.Bernard. And yes, that is his full name.
  • My cat Olive, only enjoys Barrie St.Bernard for the shear fact he eats her shit. Other than that, he is the Bane of her existence. (And yes, Bane as in Batman.)
  • I’ve up and left my last humble abode. And graduated from the Upper Ghetto of New West to Chateau El’La Shanty Town, Burnaby.
  • My 6th anniversary with my man was forgotten. La Fin.ac48f32f3daca5a9f9eb4d8686938ff2
  • I looked in the mirror one day and realized how time flies by. Also discovered a new freckle. I named it Dotty
  • Did spring cleaning in December and liked it. Also found some cheese string in a pair of denims I haven’t worn since circa,08;
  • Became addicted to Red Bull after a gaming marathon which resulted in me stroking out after I lost 142 of my saves.
  • My girlfriend passed away this summer. Incredibly heart-breaking.
  • Finally, a few of the movies I worked on are out. Check out, Step Up 5, Big Eyes, If I Stay, Night of The Museum 3 and more. I will say this my endeavors of becoming an actor have resulted in me being ‘arm-candy’, a statue, ‘girl with tray’, serving wench, ‘sad girl 2’, ‘a hungry I’, ‘wedding guest’ , ‘hand double’ etc.…My resume must be looking pretty tasty right about now.
  • Did the ALS ice bucket challenge and actually donated 100$.
  • I still wear a fanny pack.
  • My daily trips to the dog park without a dog park are no more! I am now a real person and have Barrie to venture to the parks too. Perfect place to smoke my medicine, and unwind while Barrie roams free in a fenced off area, a place that resembles a concentration camp. Anne Frank would be proud…How…ideal…
  • Convinced myself that rolling my eyes is burning calories. FYI it is.
  • I now practice drinking coffee black/decaf/with a straw/peppermint gum. Why I’m practicing? Fuck if I know.
  • Held my fart in once for a whole day, just so I could dutch-oven my man, after he forgot to take out the trash. (Future reference for anyone who has the pleasure of living with me. TAKE OUT THE TRASH).
  • New Love: Matthew Goode.
  • I realized:…..even-god-wont-save-you-worst-bad-childrens-book-vintage
  • Finally retired my Peter Rabbit stuffy to the closet. Don’t worry I’m sure he will come out of the closet again. If Anne Heche can, Peter Rabbit can too.
  • I now only make status updates on Facebook while sitting on the toilet.
  • Decided to take up cooking, by buying a microwave. Only to return it, when I realized I don’t enjoy cooking.
  • Attempted to hold a quarter in my stink crease. (Still have not found the quarter)
  • Slept in the parking lot of Timmy Ho’s. (Clearly, a high point in my life).
  • Put my car Mia, out to pasture. She’s such a slag.
  • Went home for the holidays to see the fam. So in love with being the crazy auntie from out West.
  • I wrote Dr. Phil a love letter. Also went into great detail about how I feel I’ve been pollinated by the wind. He has yet to respond. Xoxo.
  • All summer I feasted on Mexican food while living in this great city of ours.
  • YOLO, mother fucker, YOLO.

Cait Tid-Bits #2

Never hold in a fart, always let ‘er rip.

  • #1 it ain’t healthy to keep them gases up in yer keaster
  • #2 it shows confidence (trust me on this one)

Lighten the fuck up. Most things in life shouldn’t be taken so seriously.

  • If you don’t get that the job you’ve been eyeing up-become a hooker,
  • You fail your mid term-study! Or better yet sit next to the Asian kid (in my case, Chun Li),
  • A baby destroyed your vagina-well there are some people in the world with out vaginas…I think you get the drift

It always could be worse. Seriously, zombie apocalypse, Beiber for president, Danny Devito clones, killer clowns etc, etc, etc.

Wake up and fucking stretch.

Find a friend named Lily, I’ve never met a Lily I didn’t like.

Find a friend named Michael (aka Mike). Everyone knows ones, usually he’s your common douche mouthing off to nuns and immigrants, but everybody needs one (he’ll make you feel better about yourself).

Workout! I don’t care if your pumping iron, dancing, fucking, walking, tippy toeing on a treadmill or whatever the fuck. Move your body and move it often! Exercise is great for the mind and the body. You’ll feel great and look great.

I hate to say it but money does make the world go ‘round. Unless you sucking off Bill Gates you need to spend within your means! Spoil yourself here and there, but if you’re consistently buying yourself designer brands and lap dances, you’ll be scrounging the alleyways for caps.

Smack someone with The Bible.

Don’t eat East Indian food. (I was hugging porcelain for days).

High-5 someone at least once a day.

Own a pet. Me? I got my boyfriend and my awesome four-legged roommate feline, Olive.

Don’t do the idiot test.

Read a book.

Try smoke and a pancake.

Try cigarettes and chocolate milk.

Remember the world doesn’t revolve around you, however ‘your’ world does. So tell people off, throw down your grump thunder, hire a middle-aged Filipino to fan you with a giant leaf, kick old geezers off your curb. You’ll be a douche if you do so, but in this world it is yours. However, if you aren’t such a rage warrior, then you can milk a cow, hand ribbons for participation and eat a dick.

Fin.