#Single

First off, I CHOSE TO BE SINGLE! After a seven year relationship that probably lasted two years longer than it should have, I finally stopped the procrastination and made a choice. TO. BE. SINGLE. Although a rather scary thought after being in a relationship for eons I took the plunge! It was and still is the best choice for me. At least for now.

OKAY, now that that is out of the way.While being a single lady, I’ve realized quite a few things about myself.

Such as:

  • I’ve resorted to climbing on counters to get to the top shelves. I haven’t done this in quite some time. Basically, I need a kitchen built for gnomes.
  • Zippers on the back of dresses will be the death of me. Seriously, I literally have to stretch and work up to doing up my zippers. This usually ends up with me asking thy neighbour to help a sista out. They have since blocked my phone calls and have posted neighbourhood watch signs all over the street.
  • I sleep easier. Granted I have two massive dogs that are the biggest cuddle bugs you could ever have. Makes the slumber more cozy.
  • I’m not as lonely as I thought I would be.  Sure I have moments where loneliness kicks in. Especially in the beginning, I thought I was the loneliest ‘sac de shit’. But it does get easier, every day gets better. Slowly, but surely.
  • I don’t feel as guilty masturbating. But i will say my hand may now have carpal tunnel (not so sure how I feel about that). This also reminds me that my booty call list is no longer applicable to me. Half are married, crazy and don’t have pagers anymore.
  • I’ve gained more of my independence back. Its super empowering and makes me feel like a real person.
  • No one is there to judge me for all the shitty shows I watch. And I watch some pretty questionable shows. My cat however, judges me, but that is just in everything I do.
  •  I drink more water. I don’t know if that has to do with me being single or the UTI I had a month ago.
  • The most action I’ve had in the last few months is someone calling me while my phone is in my pocket on vibrate. I never pick up. 079b84c331d6dbc7bf2e053a4fbc87a3
  • I don’t feel guilty for hanging out with my friends and coworkers.
  • I can cook whatever I want and not be bitched out for the crap I eat, Hey! I love my KD Tuesdays okay.
  • No arguments over video game time. Video game time is my time, all the time.
  • I don’t have to smell anybody else’s farts.
  • The only ego I need to stroke is now my own. I am so proud of you, Cait!
  • The only arguments I have are with me, myself and I. Usually, we are all on the same side.
  • Perhaps, the most beneficial aspect of being single for me is working on myself. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!!

I’m sure when I’m a 40 year old spinster my views may change a little, but thus far being single is A O K with me.

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Pollinated by the Wind.

GUESS WHAT FUCKERS!!! I’M BACK!!! Now isn’t that just the sweetest way to say HELLO after almost a year or so hiatus. Truth be told, I have been blogging, documenting life’s little tidbits in my trusty little handwritten book, and just be too god damn lazy to type them up. But don’t worry dear friends. Time will come when these lil doodle poetics will be placed on the cyber net for your viewing pleasure only.

Anywho, I thought I’d blog ya’lls with a lil update on me. (So not narcissistic at all)….

So since I’m a 27 year old biddy, and excellent at writing lists, that is what I shall do.

  • My last blog was about me getting a baby. And no, I’m not talking about shitting out a kid or buying Mongolian toddlers from the black market. I got myself, a dog, name Barrie St.Bernard. And yes, that is his full name.
  • My cat Olive, only enjoys Barrie St.Bernard for the shear fact he eats her shit. Other than that, he is the Bane of her existence. (And yes, Bane as in Batman.)
  • I’ve up and left my last humble abode. And graduated from the Upper Ghetto of New West to Chateau El’La Shanty Town, Burnaby.
  • My 6th anniversary with my man was forgotten. La Fin.ac48f32f3daca5a9f9eb4d8686938ff2
  • I looked in the mirror one day and realized how time flies by. Also discovered a new freckle. I named it Dotty
  • Did spring cleaning in December and liked it. Also found some cheese string in a pair of denims I haven’t worn since circa,08;
  • Became addicted to Red Bull after a gaming marathon which resulted in me stroking out after I lost 142 of my saves.
  • My girlfriend passed away this summer. Incredibly heart-breaking.
  • Finally, a few of the movies I worked on are out. Check out, Step Up 5, Big Eyes, If I Stay, Night of The Museum 3 and more. I will say this my endeavors of becoming an actor have resulted in me being ‘arm-candy’, a statue, ‘girl with tray’, serving wench, ‘sad girl 2’, ‘a hungry I’, ‘wedding guest’ , ‘hand double’ etc.…My resume must be looking pretty tasty right about now.
  • Did the ALS ice bucket challenge and actually donated 100$.
  • I still wear a fanny pack.
  • My daily trips to the dog park without a dog park are no more! I am now a real person and have Barrie to venture to the parks too. Perfect place to smoke my medicine, and unwind while Barrie roams free in a fenced off area, a place that resembles a concentration camp. Anne Frank would be proud…How…ideal…
  • Convinced myself that rolling my eyes is burning calories. FYI it is.
  • I now practice drinking coffee black/decaf/with a straw/peppermint gum. Why I’m practicing? Fuck if I know.
  • Held my fart in once for a whole day, just so I could dutch-oven my man, after he forgot to take out the trash. (Future reference for anyone who has the pleasure of living with me. TAKE OUT THE TRASH).
  • New Love: Matthew Goode.
  • I realized:…..even-god-wont-save-you-worst-bad-childrens-book-vintage
  • Finally retired my Peter Rabbit stuffy to the closet. Don’t worry I’m sure he will come out of the closet again. If Anne Heche can, Peter Rabbit can too.
  • I now only make status updates on Facebook while sitting on the toilet.
  • Decided to take up cooking, by buying a microwave. Only to return it, when I realized I don’t enjoy cooking.
  • Attempted to hold a quarter in my stink crease. (Still have not found the quarter)
  • Slept in the parking lot of Timmy Ho’s. (Clearly, a high point in my life).
  • Put my car Mia, out to pasture. She’s such a slag.
  • Went home for the holidays to see the fam. So in love with being the crazy auntie from out West.
  • I wrote Dr. Phil a love letter. Also went into great detail about how I feel I’ve been pollinated by the wind. He has yet to respond. Xoxo.
  • All summer I feasted on Mexican food while living in this great city of ours.
  • YOLO, mother fucker, YOLO.

It’s Been Awhile

Miss me folks? I know it’s been awhile, like two and a half fucking months awhile…well here’s the deal. I’ve been meaning to write, and by meaning to I mean I have been writing, furiously in fact, unfortunately not to you lovely birds, but alas, that has all changed.

So here’s the deal. I’m insane, full on looney bin material. Cray-cray I tell you what! Let’s start with, well the beginning of the summer shall we?

July 12th or something like that I quit my job. So for those of you who don’t know I currently, work as an actor, writer and model in Vancouver, but when I am not doing such things I am/was working as an assistant manager at an out of school day care facility.

I loved the job, and when I say loved the job I was absolutely captured by it. I loved the flexibility of the schedule that came with it, I loved the nature of it and most importantly I loved the kids. Absolutely so! Unfortunately, in all actuality it was not meant to be.  For everything I loved about it, there were at least two things I strongly disliked. Now, I know many people have a job they despise with a boss who is heavily medicated for their “ass-hole-ness”, but this job, trained the life out of you completely.

You see, this job was perfect! My employer and I made a deal that whenever a gig came up that involved me modeling or acting I was able to take time ‘off’. Not only that, but I worked with kids my entire life, so spending time with them and getting paid was essentially an Oscar away from a dream. I loved these little kidlets.

I started working at the facility April 2010 and come fall 2010 I was promoted to Assistant Manager, now for some that may seem like quite an accomplishment, but with staff changing more than me changing in a day (PS I change at least three times a day), it wasn’t that much to look up to.

Regardless, I established a great relationship with the parents and an amazing relationship with the children. I’m telling you, these kids were absolutely the most innovative and hilarious kids I have ever worked with. I knew, one day I would leave the facility to pursue my ultimate goal of being an actor, but I didn’t realize how soon it would come, not only how soon, but how it wouldn’t be to pursue my dream, but pursue taking a stand and not putting up with anymore bullshit.

Bullshit of course coming from the management side. Now, let’s be just be clear here, if only for a moment. My employer, as a person was crazy and potentially bi-polar, however despite my diagnosis and I assure you I am no doctor, she was a pretty cool lass. She was an older lady, clinging to her youth in mock-up fashions and belated trends. Some may call her passionate; I call it off her meds. Now in a work place as you all know, things are professional and should not be personal. No matter how constructive I attempted to be she took my advice personally and no matter how cynical and personal she was with me in ‘advice-giving’ I did my best to take it professionally, but from time to time it was rather difficult.

I looked up to her in the way that a future committed to an asylum person would look up to her. But over the years the relationship became, tense and purely unrelenting. I would come home every night complaining about my boss, I would speak to co-workings complaining about my boss and they would do the same. In fact the facility was full of complaints from children, co-workers, school teachers and parents regarding my boss, but what could I do?

I in so many words approached my boss, using poetics to sugar coat how her behavior was, but she wasn’t getting it and simply danced around it more than I did. So I continued to allow her to make a fool of herself when I fool was needed, and often times when it was not needed. I guess in some selfish way it made me feel better about myself, especially, when parents and teachers would comment on her antics. Of course though, as I am a lady with an ego, I attempted yet again to let her know to simmer down, pop a pill and get laid, just so it didn’t look like I was working with someone from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. This time not so poetic, and still she danced around.

So with a mentally unstable boss, she hired her kind, mentally unstable people. Not to worry, she did hire some golden ones, some perhaps with more competence than she. But for every golden staff there were two morons being hired. It was only a matter of time before the staff worth keeping was dropping like flies.

While all this was going on, not only was the boss of her rocker, but she completely broke it. She would say things, and not remember saying them, or tell me one thing and tell another staff something completely different. Not only that but, whenever she made a mistake, she took no ownership, passed it on to someone else. She led staff members with a leash and I was no dog. I was tired of her treating staff like plantation servants!

Alas, there is so much I can say, but just venting about this is sucking the life out of me. But allow me to finish here.

I was very loyal and honest to my employer. I was willing to learn and grow as a youth worker and person. But there was only so much I could take, before I was busting from the seams with fury. So long story short (and trust me this is the short version) I quit. I didn’t want to quit. I knew it was coming at some point, just a year earlier than expected.

I love those kids, absolutely so. And now that school is beginning my heart goes out to them and their parents. I wish them all the best and wish that I would have been able to say the good-bye, ‘see you later’ that I wanted too.

PS: Dear Friends, this venting has ended, now for more of my usual fucked up blogs!

I’m Slowly Going Crazy

I feel as though I have been slowly loosing my mind this year. For the longest time I’ve been thinking it’s all me; I’m just seeing things, making things up in my head and what not. Turns out, it ain’t just me (thankfuckinggod).

Here is a list of reasons why I am going crazy:

  • My cat is trying to kill my boyfriend.
  • My Hungarian temperamental, gypsy of a boss is moody beyond menopausal. I swear, if she hasn’t been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder yet, I will have completely lost faith in our medical system.
  • MONEY! Having too little I want to die, having too much I want to cry.
  • When you are cracking me a smile with your ass. Plumber’s butt, I just don’t like the look of it.
  • Cheaters. Not relationship ones, the fuckers who cheat in card games, sports and board games.
  • People who ask to borrow my gum. You cannot borrow my fucking gum, you can ask for a piece of gum in which case you spit or swallow, but I will not let you borrow my gum. Borrowing implies you will return it to me post chew, NO FUCKING THANKYOU!
  • People who ask questions by giving me a choice between ‘two’ options. However, these lazy cunts give me one option, as in: Would you like tomato sauce on that or….OR WHAT! Seriously what is my other option here? Would you like to give me another option or….did you want me to slap you or….do you like girls or…..
  • Vegetarians are few and far between! Yet, there are still countless options for vegetarians everywhere! I don’t discriminate (accept against foreigners and men with small feet). My issue with the whole vegetarian thing is when I’m at social events there is always a vegetarian option. This is not the problem; the problem is when there are no options left accept the vegetarian options, in which was order for the single digit vegetarian in the room. By the way, I love meat.
  • The realization that I am actually not Batman.Image
  • Sequels. Yeah, some are great, but most are terrible. Not only are they terrible they ruin the first one!
  • People who talking and talk and talk. They talk when you shit, they talk when you are watching a movie, they talk when you are playing videos. RULE #1: When you are with me and I’m playing up my stories, don’t be talking. Just shut the fuck up.
  • I am not a lady. My man is more of a lady.
  • Dora The Explorer.
  • The waiters/waitresses who always ask how my food is when their is food all in my mouth. What’s wrong with you? Can’t you see I’m breaking bread?
  • Bus drivers be crazy!
  • Black people be crazy!
  • Laundry is something I have to pay for. One load of laundry is 6$ gone. That 6$ could have been spent on 2ffors!
  • Pee dribble, on the seat or in my pants.
  • Bras! I love my girls to be free. I do! But working in a fast pace environment and working out daily, bras are in order. The hold the tata’s in, but can be painful, itchy, and uncomfortable.
  • People who air guitar. YOU GEEK!
  • I am lonely.Image
  • Fran Dresher (since 1992)
  • People who cannot drive, but drive! WHO ARE YOU! Why the fuck are you butt sniffing my ride, not using your fucking turn signals, and driving way below the speed limit. You shit heads! You are all over the ‘Couve, take a walk man. L-i-t-e-r-a-l-l-y.
  • People who name their kids after objects. Apple, Pilot, Stew!
  • Adam Sandler movies! He acts the same in everything, not to mention all his movies are shit. Pure shit! You want to know what shit looks like, watch an Adam Sandler movie.
  • Endless rain!
  • Dog shit on the side walk. Pick it up! Bag it! Use it as fertilizer later, I don’t care! Just clean up your doggies shit.
  • Human shit on the side walk. Seen it once, never again or I’ll loose it.
  • People who stare. CREEPERS! I tell you what!
  • Almost every time I do my laundry, one sock is missing!E-V-E-R-Y-T-I-M-E! Where do all my socks go?! I swear to god if the cloth gnomes grandma told me about as a child are real I’ll shit myself.

People! I’M SLOWLY LOSING MY MIND! I can keep these crazy-trigger things coming and coming. But alas, I won’t. Why? Don’t ask me why or I’ll lose it.