Cait Interrupted

Hi friends,

Alas, where do I even begin…

Monday I was admitted into emergency. Now, in my mind absolutely no real emergency whatsoever. I say this because, for the last two days I was just indifferent. I felt empty, I felt like any feeling I ever felt was gone and that for the remainder of my so-called life I would always feel just this…just…desolate. Cait’s very own wasteland. A place that used to be bumping full of energy and smiles and happy-go-lucky type shit. Now it’s just nothing. An abandoned amusement park, no longer amusing.786e44a15f57dded1b6359cd0e6cfd32

This year has been quite the rollercoaster to say the least and fuck do I ever hate using that metaphor, but it is so true. Up and down, then stalls, then up and down, then some bitch loses her phone because she’s a fucking idiot for trying to take a selfie with a phone……UGH!!!!!!!!!!! This ride isn’t fun anymore.

I called my mom on Monday. I was sad. I often call mom when I am sad. I don’t mean too, and I hate to have her feel helpless because she isn’t here, but there are only few people I feel semi-okay/butnotreally/butitstheclosestIwillgettofeelingcomfortablewithsomeone.

If mom is busy, I call the ex. Now, before you guys go to any conclusions let me explain something to you. My ex and I have been broken up for two years now. In the beginning I would do my best not to call him in these moments, simply because I didn’t want him to feel used. I didn’t want him to feel like I only called him because for 8 years we were together and it was routine, it was comfort. However, he knows me. He knows I’m incredibly stubborn, he knows I hate feet, he knows the scars on my body (inside and out), he knows about my secret obsession with nutcrackers (shhhhh it’s a secret!). He just knows me. He perhaps, is my closest confidant.

On Monday, after being on the phone with my mom, I called the ex. We decided it was time to take me in. Where folks? TO THE LOONY BIN OF COURSE! Kidding! I get I’m crazy, but I am not quite girl interrupted yet. Hospital it is.

On the way to there, I was thinking two things: 1) This isn’t a real emergency? 2) So craving a Happy Meal…

We get there and it isn’t busy one bit. Thank gawd too. I would hate to have someone with a machete in their head or someone birthing a goat have to wait on me just because I am having a sad, sad day.

I was shocked. And I don’t know why I was so shocked, but when I got there everyone was so comforting. The nurses seem to genuinely care about my well being. They didn’t want me to leave, they didn’t want me to feel sadness anymore, they truly wanted to help me. So much in fact they bumped me up before a sick baby. Sorry sick baby, but Cait’s a baby too….

They brought me in to see a psychoanalyst. I forget her name, but she was quite lovely. They also brought in a general physician.I was broken friends. I couldn’t stop feeling sad, I couldn’t stop crying. How did I let it get to this point? ME! Cait the mother fucking great, the toughest cookie in town was crumbling.

I talked to ….lets call her Miss Lovely (psychoanalyst). She truly was lovely. She seemed to have compassion for me, she wanted to understand, she genuinely was listening to all my words and ramblings. She asked me questions, upon questions, but for once I didn’t mind. She asked me about my drug use, I was honest. About my diet, I was honest, about any past or present relationships and in that I tried not to share. I tried not to be honest, but in the end she knew the whole story.

Miss Lovely, then talked to the ex. Since he knows me best, sometimes I think better than I know myself. They both came in a short time later.

I will now be going to an outpatient treatment center. Just to have someone to talk to once 3a51a-depressiontwo8-2in awhile. Someone who can hopefully help me sort out my shit. Someone who is either willing or at least paid to listen to my stories (and I got lots of them stories).

It was funny, on the drive home, the ex turn towards me and… Miss Lovely was so fuck foxing, I should got her number….ugh!!!!! BOYS!!! We had a laughed. He dropped me off, helped cleaned my place a bit, tucked both Bear and I into bed and then it was Tuesday. A new day, still a sad one, but then it’ll be Wednesday, then Thursday, and if it’s true what They say (who ever They are), every day gets better. And I’ve finally taken steps to get better myself.

26 Mind blowing Things

Alrighty folks, friends, followers, lovers, peeps, homies, whateverthefuck, today is the day I am one year older. Yup, you heard it hear first folks, it’s been 26 years since my mother shat out a big headed, jaundiced, happy lil babe with the likes of Topo Gigio. Now, in this 26 year bender of mine, I assure you I have learned and maintained some knowledge of random somethings and I feel obligated to share this usefully useless information with you.

Let us begin!

1) No matter what, Grandma knows best.I only have half a mind to write a whole other list in this blog as to why grandmas (especially mine) are rock solid wise old biddies. Here are just a few things I’ve cherished about my beloved grandma;

  • She gave boyfriend advice to friends and family by using myself as an example. She did so by explaining that more people should be like me because I get a little taste of everything (take that how you will.)
  • She knocked me out unconscious (BY ACCIDENT I assure you) after I was pretending to actually be sleeping. I didn’t wake up until noon the next day, best sleep of my life.
  • I was driving before I was legally able to drive. Granted I also didn’t get my license until I was 20. She and I would do Meals-On-Wheels for the old people and let me just tell you that at the time my grandma was well over 70.
  • My love for cards would be non-existent if it wasn’t for her. Little known fact, The King Of Hearts has no mustache, Grandma told me it was because he’s no sphincter master. Sphincter’s to make coffee…..right?

2) Cat’s are never your friends. Intensely - Cat with mean face

3) The best way to break an awkward silence moment is by an anal air attack. However, if that is also silent, then you’ve failed.

4) Puns are a way of life.

5) Things could always be worse. It could be raining balls (the man kind), you could be doing the pee-pee dance only as an attempt to waff out the giant fart you refused to take ownership in that happened 5 minutes ago, having every channel with The Rosie O’Donnell Show, not being able to fit your cookie in your glass of milk, playing Fable 3, pan-handling for pennies at the Panda Express, etc. etc.

6) Hip chucking is the best form of showcasing ones friendship.

7) Cracking wise is an awesome form of release. Cracking wise while rubbing one out even better.

8) French Fries  are worship worthy. Whoever invented the French Fry deserves a shrine. Mayo and fries, ketchup and fries, plum sauce and fries, vinegar and fries, fries and fries, yam fries, sweet potato fries, JUMBO fries…..mmmmm….fries…..

9) Tampons make great ghosts for Halloween.788d78391c8a631373a153c0d57628d5

10) Weekly clipping of finger and toe nails is a must.

11) Instead of using the toggly bit on the vacuum that is supposed to suck up all the scum in cracks of furniture and corners of the walls, I use a lint roller. When I’m too lazy for the ‘Lint Roller Method’ I cover it up or close my eyes.

12) Pancake dinners are the WHAMBAM! Especially when big ol’ PopPop would make them into Mickey Mouse heads.

13) Blogs arenot’ wirth having purfect spelling or grammer, becuz who da fuck gives a damn, nowone said you needed too be a scholar to blog nonsense.

14) Some things are better left unsaid.

15)…. …. ….

16) After being told for years to lead by example, I’ve inherited one saying to lead my people: Do as I say and not as I do.

17) I’ve said this before in previous blogs and I’ll say it again. COLLECT THEM BOTTLECAPS!

18) A great workout is the best way to feel confident and show it to the world. It’s also the best way to get a good healthy shit brewing in your tumtum.

19) Dan Aykroyd was a fox back in them Buster years.

20) The easiest way to move passed depression is to get over it. (Words spoken by a wise old mama who dressed up as Ronald MacDonald and went to my school for no reason, accept embarrassing me).

21) Having sisters is totally worth the syncing of menstrual flows and moody bitches.

22) There are more things in the world then Candy Crush.

23) The Little Hobo is the ultimate super hero. (Ever since Ben Affleck has been cast at Batman, he no longer is number one. Thanks Ben, NOW GO EAT YOUR CEREAL!)

24) There is no place like home.

25) The best part of waking up is Timmy’s in my cup.Oh and Dr. Phil.

26) whatever-you-re-doing-it-s-not-as-important-as-petting-the-cat-funny-poster-print Especially on acid.

There you have it, some of the random facts of life I was able to maintain through my 26 years of having a heart beating. Some even MIND-BLOWING! Of course, I’ve learned more, I’m not some dumb ass inbred name Cletus that auntie/mom and uncle/brother created. I am the result of two awesome parents and a 6 pack of Blue.

Cait Tid-Bits #2

Never hold in a fart, always let ‘er rip.

  • #1 it ain’t healthy to keep them gases up in yer keaster
  • #2 it shows confidence (trust me on this one)

Lighten the fuck up. Most things in life shouldn’t be taken so seriously.

  • If you don’t get that the job you’ve been eyeing up-become a hooker,
  • You fail your mid term-study! Or better yet sit next to the Asian kid (in my case, Chun Li),
  • A baby destroyed your vagina-well there are some people in the world with out vaginas…I think you get the drift

It always could be worse. Seriously, zombie apocalypse, Beiber for president, Danny Devito clones, killer clowns etc, etc, etc.

Wake up and fucking stretch.

Find a friend named Lily, I’ve never met a Lily I didn’t like.

Find a friend named Michael (aka Mike). Everyone knows ones, usually he’s your common douche mouthing off to nuns and immigrants, but everybody needs one (he’ll make you feel better about yourself).

Workout! I don’t care if your pumping iron, dancing, fucking, walking, tippy toeing on a treadmill or whatever the fuck. Move your body and move it often! Exercise is great for the mind and the body. You’ll feel great and look great.

I hate to say it but money does make the world go ‘round. Unless you sucking off Bill Gates you need to spend within your means! Spoil yourself here and there, but if you’re consistently buying yourself designer brands and lap dances, you’ll be scrounging the alleyways for caps.

Smack someone with The Bible.

Don’t eat East Indian food. (I was hugging porcelain for days).

High-5 someone at least once a day.

Own a pet. Me? I got my boyfriend and my awesome four-legged roommate feline, Olive.

Don’t do the idiot test.

Read a book.

Try smoke and a pancake.

Try cigarettes and chocolate milk.

Remember the world doesn’t revolve around you, however ‘your’ world does. So tell people off, throw down your grump thunder, hire a middle-aged Filipino to fan you with a giant leaf, kick old geezers off your curb. You’ll be a douche if you do so, but in this world it is yours. However, if you aren’t such a rage warrior, then you can milk a cow, hand ribbons for participation and eat a dick.

Fin.

Freebee #5

I’ve been in a relationship now for almost 5 years. Come July 6th, me and my honey will be able to do something I look forward to every anniversary! No it’s not bumping naughty bits or actually celebrating the day with ‘togetherness’ and all the couply mushy shit, This is something far more greater, far more necessary, it’s adding another celebrity Freebee to our list! CAN’T WAIT! I know, I know, like I’ll ever be able to diddle Ewan McGregor’s light saber or have Adam Carolla drop a digit on me, but hey a girl can dream can’t she.

Now here’s my problem. Every year we add another freebee to our list, but I am troubled with who to choose. Nothing else matters in the world right now people! I need to figure out who my new celebrity freebee will be 2 months from now before the world can continue living.

First, I think it’s best I share my list thus far.

Obi-Wan Kenobi (AKA Ewan McGregor). Since Moulin Rouge I’ve fallen in love with this man and have not been able to escape it. He’s sexy, climbed out of the dirtiest toilet in Scotland, he can sing, he can move, he is in naked in half the films he makes, plus STAR WARS! HELLO! I was so obsessed with this man in high school, I made myself a marriage certificate where I hyphenated my last name with his, I wrote his name all over my binder and seriously considered getting a tattoo in a discrete location so that one day when we would meet, he would know I was his (or run the fuck in the other direction).

Conan O’Brien. This ginger gets me going. I don’t know if it’s because he’s funny as fuck or he has legs for days and make jeggings look reasonable. Sure, I would probably only measure up to his waist, but hey most men appreciate that, guys would rather have a girl head to head opposed to face to face. 

Jason Bateman: He’s adorable! He does great films, not in the public eye too much, definitely handsome and funny! I’m telling ya, boys that make me laugh deserve to be in my life just as much as I deserve to be in theirs! Fuck, I love funny people.

Adam Carolla: This Ace man is saucy, sexy(mainly because he doesn’t know he is), he actually works, he is a racist/set in his ways (although I just see it as honesty) and he complains about everything. I used to think I hated complainers and couldn’t stand them worth shit, but when Carolla does it he’s worth a shit or two. 

Now who to add next too my list! SO MANY CHOICE!

I really admire Seth MacFarlane! He’s easy on the eyes, can sing, dance, funny and you know he has got to have a huge tube steak!

Patrick Warburton you may not recognize his name, but you will recognize his voice. It’s deep, low, and sound like a black man pretending to be white. Any man, who has a voice like that makes me melt in more ways than one. He’s also a big guy, who could carry me like a princess, that is a bonus!

Finally the last person I’m seriously considering to be in the running is Zac Efron. Please understand this is a more of a eye candy thing, no substance. He might be funny, might be funny, I don’t fucking know, I don’t even know the guy. He’s body says he could slam me in a mattress and that is all I need.

Thoughts friends? I would ask my boyfriend for assistance, but the fact he has Anne Hathaway and Laura Linney on his list doesn’t make me want his input!