The Cherub Nazi: True Story

Bright and early, up before the alarm, puppies fast asleep. Looking at these little beasties I quite simply couldn’t be happier. Put on the kettle, take my daily cocktail of meds, have my morning shit in the water closet. Puppies still asleep, so I grab my tea, snuggle back into bed, put on my non-prescription reading glasses (side note: at times like this I wish I had a monocle). 

My novella of choice: Fifty Shades of Grey.

NOW HOLD UP! Before you all get up in my grill let me explain.

This book is shit, pure and sparkly shit. Monkeys could write better than this. It’s borderline Hooked on Phonix for first graders. This book is such as travesty that I will most likely use the pages to wipe my ass when I am done lowering my IQ. I’ll save money on TP and then I can actually afford a real book. (Another side note: For those of you who are aware of my strong dislike for Fable 3, as shitty as this book is I would rather read this book over and over again, than to hear anyone utter the words ‘Fable 3’. I would rather suck someones severe hammertoe than play Fable 3)

So the book is shit, but oddly enjoyable. And yes I am quite aware that the further I read I am just a stop closer to the short bus.

Anyways, a few shades in and the doorbell rings. Ahah, suspense I love suspense. Now, why the fuck would my doorbell be ringing so god damn early in the morning? Hell, I didn’t even know I had a doorbell. But back to the why? IN GODS NAME WHY?  First off, I have no friends, second the bills are paid I swear, and thirdly if its the lady I smacked with her own flipflop…I am truly, truly sorry and would kindly ask for you to return under the bridge from which you came.

So Ativan kicking in, along with Xanax, Paxil and a few other TicTacs I cannot pronounce….Why am I melting…what is happening…Cait, do no pass go…

I put down Fifty Shades of Shit, get out of bed, think about putting on pants and brushing my hair, but don’t. Sometimes thinking is enough. Pfff, fuck it. You come here, to the place where I dwell, you ring my door bell, which I didn’t even know that I had, I will not furbish myself for you.

I creep down the stairs, bell rings again… Grab one of my shoes, just in case, take a deep breath and swing the door wide open. I mean I full on Bruce Lee’d this door down.

Is it an Angel? Oh gawd, Heavens Gate has found me. These drugs are really playing games with me. It is a boy, young, pre-adolescent, blonde hair, blue eyes, I really can’t decide if he’s a Nazi or a cherub…then I clue in…. Jehovah’s Witness….fuck me….I should have kept going to the church and if they allowed me to bring in my own bottle of wine this little Cherub Nazi would not be at my door, ring-a-ling-linging.

So since I don’t want JW going back home and whipping himself because I’m in my skivvies, I close the door so he can only see my one eyeball. I so wish I had a monocle, I would look so much more sophisticated in instances like this.

Cherub Nazi Boy: Ma’am.

Me: Oh gawd, don’t call me Ma’am. Ma’am is what you call the little old lady down the street who still has milk delivered.

Cherub Nazi Boy: Mrs…

Me: Nope, Not a hope in hell little boy. Yes, I swore on the Little Cherub Mother Fucker.

Cherub Nazi Boy: May I have you name?

Me: Sorry kid, the last thing I need is Chris Hansen interrogating me because I little munchkin is on my doorstep.

Cherub Nazi Boy: Miss?

Me: This little shit is persistentSure, Miss.

Cherub Nazi Boy: Can I tell you about your Father?

Me: So hold up, who the hell does this kid think he is? This kid wants to tell me who my father is. His peter guaranteed is no bigger than my thumb, fuck my balls are probably bigger and he has the nerve to want tell me who my father is. Sorry kid, me and my father go way back

Cherub Nazi Boy: Miss, God is your father.

Me: That is news to me. Seriously, kid I think you got the wrong daddy. My dad is tall, dark and native. Legit FBI (Fucking Big Indian) to the extreme.

Cherub Nazi Boy: Uh ma’am.

Me: Not this again. Listen kid, I ‘respect’ what you are doing. You got heart , clearly no soul and little do you know ‘Your Father’ is pimping you out, you little prost-i-tot, you. Go back to your flock of Little Nazi Cherubs, I am not flocking your way.

Cherub Nazi Boy: Uh, Miss…

Me: Fuck, I didn’t mean to swear or hurt your feelings. I’m just not interested. Your Papa I simply don’t preach.

Cherub Nazi Boy: Miss…may I have your number?

NOPE! NOPE! A BIG HELL NO! First this little shit goes from wanting to tell me who my daddy is, to asking for me number. This kid has serious mommy issues.

I close the door. I need another TicTac cocktail to process what just happened.

This folks, is a first for me. Kids scare me. The things that gets ingrained into their little brains scares me and apparently the meds I am on are starting to scare me too. I should probably call Dad.

Anyways long story short……..THE END.

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10 Ways to Rid Yourself of a Terrible Roommate Experience

Hey folks! Before I lived with my man-child, I lived with a crazy ass flat mate. Was she legit psycho? No! But she was fucking bonkers, to top it off she was not the most hygienic of flat mates either. At first everything was cool, we lived out of boxes, we went Dutch on some appliances and the TV, she gave me the bigger room which gave her major points in my book. But all this Cosby love went sour as the years went on. She began showing her true colours by leaving rags all over (not your typical cleaning kind), never took the garbage out, never did dishes, and hogged the living room and whathaveyou. We lived together for about 2 years before she graduated and I hit the town running! She was my first and worst! After this I went solo for a bit and was never happier. So I’ve decided in reminiscing about the past flat mate experience to dice up some helpful tips to rid yourselves of a terrible, sloppy ass mother fucking roommate experience. Whether they are clingy, lazy, virgins, Jews, freaks of nature or whatever the fuck, these pointers will get those fuckers the fuck out!

Before I divulge my words of wisdom I would just like to say: YOU’RE WELCOME!

1)      Before you move in with a potential roomie make sure you know who the fuck they are. I ‘knew’ my roommate through university. Our first year we lived on the same floor in the dorm, and we were a part of the same clubs. Basically friends of convenient circumstance. If it wasn’t for this convenience, we would not be friends I assure you that. Living together, our friendship turned into acquaintances and then turned into mush. We no longer speak, and although I may do the occasional creep on her Facebook portfolio we just were not meant to be. KNOW  YOUR ROOMIES! If you don’t know too much about them at least know when they take their showers, shits and meds! Trust me!

2)      As soon as you notice your first missing cookie from your pack of Oreos, know that it Imagewasn’t you and there is a 100% chance it was your roommate. If they deny it, there is going to be some major issues! That would be the equivalent of standing in a room and tapping the only other person in the room on the shoulder and saying it wasn’t you. If they admit to their cookie stealing ways, you tell them straight up, STRIKE 1! Make sure they know it too! They may take your cookie today, but your brewskies will be the target tomorrow.

3)      Be picky with who they bring over. Be a detective. I’m telling you, this women I lived with brought in some sketchy ass mother fuckers and I’m not pointing any fingers, but the minute my shit goes missing, gets tainted, rearranged and whatever the fuck, those sketchy mother fuckers did it! Screen them, test them, search them when they come marching into your territory. Fuck, I’d even go so far to give my roommate a password to enter (that’s right she ain’t getting no key).

4)      RULES! Establish rules when you guys first move in. Rules as in: my spaces-your space, no touchy-yes touchy,mine-yours-ours, who pays rent when, music volume, TV schedule etc. You get the point! It’s useful! You do not want to come home to an unscheduled beaver bumping sesh on your own bed. You will need to negotiate and compromise! Sorry sweethearts everything can’t be on your terms!

5)      Relationship! This does not mean you need to go out all the time together, or tend to each other’s personal issues. Think of it as a business transaction. You live together, both pay rent, tend to each other once or twice a week, but that is it (unless of course your roomie is great at oral, then they can tend all you want).

6)      Communicate! This falls under relationship. If you’re short on funds, or you are unhappy with something your roommate is doing tell them. Don’t play all coy and keep your trap shut. Ain’t nobody got time for that! Tell them, talk! Verbalize!

7)      Tell them to clean and you do the same. They make dinner/you do dishes, you clean the kitchen/they scrub the tub, you vacuum the carpet/they take out the garbage. It’s as simple as that. If you are doing your part they will do their part. If they aren’t doing their part twist their nipples and tell them to scrub that porcelain. 

Image

Easy-Peasy-Lemon-Squeezy!

8)      Borrowing! Do not let them borrow things! This may sound anal, but don’t! They live with you why would they need to borrow anything? Don’t let them borrow your computer, CD’s, gotchies, nothing!

9)      Do your own laundry! Just because you live together does not mean you cater to them or they cater to your dirty skiddies. If you have coin laundry, use your own money, if it’s a laundry card put on what you need that day. Now, when it comes to towels and wash clothes, I still say keep yours separate. You do not want someone else’s skin flakes floating on your Downy cleaned garments.

10)   Same sex! Move in with the same sex! Yes, my first roomie experience was terrible, but if she were a dude it would not have lasted as long as it did. You won’t have to worry about trying to fuck your roomie, or hiding your naughty bits. (This makes for less drama believe it or not). And there will be no awkward excitement when your roomie comes across your dildo in the bathroom cabinet.

There it is! 10 just 10! Simple easy ways to rid you of ever encountering terrible, lame, dirty-ass, motherfucking, nogoodfornothing, flat mates.

ImagePS: Bonus tip, if you have been following this guideline and your roommate is driving you up the wall you can do two things: 1) call their parents and tell them what is up. 2) Start talking to your roommate through a puppet on your hand, they’ll leave faster than the Welsh cum (2mins flat).