Lady-Like

Alright friends, since my last few bloggy blogs have been nothing but sad, sad stories, I have decided to switch things up and be not so depressing. [however: the fact I am blogging at 2 in the morning, chiefing my peace pipe while watching Say Yes To The Dress is in fact incredibly sad news]

MOVING ON!

Tonight/today/this morning… whenever the fuck you decide to read this, I am here to give you all some lovely little lady-like advice. Those of you who know me, know I am quite the woman, but I certainly ain’t no lady. REGARDLESS! I am here, and I am willing and I am ready {Side Note: These are the words I said to the first man I slept with after my ex, and it was wet, wild and worth it!, granted I was on my knees wearing nipple pasties and an edible thong, but you get the idea].

  1. e551991c8f7d806c962b0c8069cb96f2Be straight-forward. Don’t be some pansey lil’ asshole that beats around the bush. You want something, take it, you want to say something, say it! Some fucker keeps hollaring at you and you ain’t interested, kick the clown in the fucking pecker and be done with it. No bullshit ladies! No fucking bullshit! Ain’t nobody got time for that, especially a lady.
  2. Honesty. If I ask you if you masturbate and you say no. You are a goddamn liar and certainly no lady. Be honest with yourself and others. It doesn’t mean we want to listen to your ETrue Hollywood Story (chances are we don’t and no one gives 2 shits about it), it means be HONEST.
  3. Leave a little mystery. You want men to say Who is this girl? I want to know more? Oh the things I would do! etc.etc. Trust me, mystery is key and the longer you keep it going the better. Sure, if you shacking up with some fellow over and over again, the mystery may fade, fuck the mystery could be over the first time you play anal acoustics, but alas leave a lil something something to keep those boys wanted more. (Side story: I totally was vibing this one guy and he was vibing me, and this had been something going on for quite awhile, when we finally did the deed. That was it, he was done with me, no mystery left in his mind. I was left with no respect and a sore vagina)
  4. Be short. Not as in pint-sized, but as in how you verbalize your thoughts. So for example: Him: Where were you last night? Me: Out. Him: Did you have fun? Me: Sure did. Him: Do you care to share? Me: Not really. Now I know this may feel like it’s coming off as a bit dickish, but it’s not, it’s lady-like. Why? Because you aren’t giving away to much and it’s no one’s business anyways. Plus, the moments you do decide to divulge a little more, they’ll either appreciate or not fucking listen.
  5. Never stay the night. NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER!!! Stay the night, don’t do it. That has been probably my number rule in life and in being lady-like. Now, I am definitely a sucker for morning sex, it’s totally my jam. I love waking up getting a nice, lazy shag going on and then bounce. HOWEVER, these moments needs to happen before the early birds make it for 5$ breakfast. Reasons for this: 1) After a night of whatever my make up and hair is no more as mint as it was prior to. Half the time, I resemble a sad panda already regretting past shenanigans. Not ideal, not sexy. not lady-like. 2) If you leave before him waking up he’ll either appreciate your kindness and will want to see more of you, or he will wish you stayed and still wants more of you. win/win.
  6. e14cd95a68c4bbe95d829d6b48715722 (1)Lingerie (spanx included). Always, have some lingerie floating around. I know I do. I have some on hand just in case. Men, love it. Even just having dudes know you have it around is good. Here’s why and I’ll explain this by sharing a little antidote in The Life of Cait. I once had a friend you was fuck buddy. One day he saw lingerie in my car, he inquired about it, and immediately I saw his eyes light up. But every time we  bumped naughty bits, I never wore it. UNTIL …..(drum roll please) ….one day, after countless games of hide the sausage I finally had it on and the look on his face, was fucking worth it. He went wild, that night we banged until the sun came up (may of broke my not spending the night rule). Lingerie ladies. L-I-N-G-E-R-I-E.
  7. Pay your own way. There is nothing worse than a thirsty bitch. No guy needs some cunt soaking up his hard earned $$$$$. Pay your own ladies. It really is that simple. When I go out I always pay my own. Once in a while, when then man I’m with takes a wiz, I’ll pay his too. It shows mutual respect, and whether we are a couple or not, he can always get me back next time. No biggy. Now, sure if I am out on a date, and he wants to pay, I’ll let him, but I always offer. (I GIVE, I GIVE, I GIVE!)
  8. Let a man feel like a man. Now, I am a huge fan of bringing a man down, but when I do, I build him up just so I can bring him back down all over again haha! KIDDING! Nah, I am not that rude. What I mean to say is, let the man you are with (whether your friend, boyfriend, or whatever) feel like what he is. A FUCKING MAN. Let him make the moves and let him lead the way. And if for whatever reason he can’t and he is struggling, guide him, but let never take the lead.
  9. Be free. Don’t let anyone, let alone a man tell you how to live your life. Do it your 26POP-master768way. My way is usually slagging it up at the local pub, but every lady has their own way of expressing their freedom. I choose free love man. FREE FUCKING LOVE!
  10. Own it! And owning shit involves a multitude of things. Whatever shape or size you are. Be proud girl, love yourself completely! You make a mistake, own up to it. Acknowledge your faults, it’s okay. Everybody has fucked up, don’t hide it. Be the first to say sorry if it comes down to it. You bought a dress a size off, wear that shit like no other (but return it the next day) haha.

Alright ladies. These are just a few tips to being a true lady (at least in my world). In the words of Storm Large “What the fuck is lady-like if ladies like to do the fuck they like”just like me!

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TERMINATED: What to Say To Your Boss When He….

  •  So telling people to leave me the fuck alone, isn’t good team work?
  •  #SorryNotSorry
  •  Well, I’m really going to miss doing all your work for you… 
  •  PROMOTION!
  • I’ve always wanted to experience a life.
  • Of course I don’t work as hard as you, I get it right the first time.Image
  •  EAT.A.DICK.
  •  I’m Batman.
  •  So me and your wife won’t put out, and you choose to let me go?
  • You’ve really been an inspiration to me! SAID NO ONE EVER!
  • SO YOU LETTING ME GO BECAUSE I’M NATIVE?!
  • I’m pretty sure you think your job is just to drink coffee all day, FYI, it’s not.
  • It’s because my balls are bigger than yours, isn’t it?
  • MANGER. UN. DICK.
  • #publife
  • So now that I am unemployed…who is going to do your job?
  • What will you do now without micromanaging my life?
  • Before you tell me what I did wrong, just know….I don’t give a fuck…
  • Well, aren’t you just the perfection combination of stupid
  • So your letting me go because I work harder than you…
  • Sorry I’m not going to by myself kneepads just to keep my job
  • But alas, you can buy some and EAT. A .DICK.
  • I’m really going to miss your sexual innuendoes and butt slapping. (NOT!)Image
  • My farts are more important than this moment.
  • I would tell you to kiss my ass, but knowing your pervy self, I’d rather lick the asshole of a homeless man that give you that chance.
  • So now that I’m fired, me filing sexual harassment means I won’t lose my job…right?
  • So you prefer sitting in the shit instead of getting shit done…interesting.
  • SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!
  • I’m seriously considering bitch slapping you with another bitch’s hand. I’m sure your wife won’t mind.

(All this has been typed with both my middle fingers and under the supervision of my cat.)

I’m Slowly Going Crazy

I feel as though I have been slowly loosing my mind this year. For the longest time I’ve been thinking it’s all me; I’m just seeing things, making things up in my head and what not. Turns out, it ain’t just me (thankfuckinggod).

Here is a list of reasons why I am going crazy:

  • My cat is trying to kill my boyfriend.
  • My Hungarian temperamental, gypsy of a boss is moody beyond menopausal. I swear, if she hasn’t been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder yet, I will have completely lost faith in our medical system.
  • MONEY! Having too little I want to die, having too much I want to cry.
  • When you are cracking me a smile with your ass. Plumber’s butt, I just don’t like the look of it.
  • Cheaters. Not relationship ones, the fuckers who cheat in card games, sports and board games.
  • People who ask to borrow my gum. You cannot borrow my fucking gum, you can ask for a piece of gum in which case you spit or swallow, but I will not let you borrow my gum. Borrowing implies you will return it to me post chew, NO FUCKING THANKYOU!
  • People who ask questions by giving me a choice between ‘two’ options. However, these lazy cunts give me one option, as in: Would you like tomato sauce on that or….OR WHAT! Seriously what is my other option here? Would you like to give me another option or….did you want me to slap you or….do you like girls or…..
  • Vegetarians are few and far between! Yet, there are still countless options for vegetarians everywhere! I don’t discriminate (accept against foreigners and men with small feet). My issue with the whole vegetarian thing is when I’m at social events there is always a vegetarian option. This is not the problem; the problem is when there are no options left accept the vegetarian options, in which was order for the single digit vegetarian in the room. By the way, I love meat.
  • The realization that I am actually not Batman.Image
  • Sequels. Yeah, some are great, but most are terrible. Not only are they terrible they ruin the first one!
  • People who talking and talk and talk. They talk when you shit, they talk when you are watching a movie, they talk when you are playing videos. RULE #1: When you are with me and I’m playing up my stories, don’t be talking. Just shut the fuck up.
  • I am not a lady. My man is more of a lady.
  • Dora The Explorer.
  • The waiters/waitresses who always ask how my food is when their is food all in my mouth. What’s wrong with you? Can’t you see I’m breaking bread?
  • Bus drivers be crazy!
  • Black people be crazy!
  • Laundry is something I have to pay for. One load of laundry is 6$ gone. That 6$ could have been spent on 2ffors!
  • Pee dribble, on the seat or in my pants.
  • Bras! I love my girls to be free. I do! But working in a fast pace environment and working out daily, bras are in order. The hold the tata’s in, but can be painful, itchy, and uncomfortable.
  • People who air guitar. YOU GEEK!
  • I am lonely.Image
  • Fran Dresher (since 1992)
  • People who cannot drive, but drive! WHO ARE YOU! Why the fuck are you butt sniffing my ride, not using your fucking turn signals, and driving way below the speed limit. You shit heads! You are all over the ‘Couve, take a walk man. L-i-t-e-r-a-l-l-y.
  • People who name their kids after objects. Apple, Pilot, Stew!
  • Adam Sandler movies! He acts the same in everything, not to mention all his movies are shit. Pure shit! You want to know what shit looks like, watch an Adam Sandler movie.
  • Endless rain!
  • Dog shit on the side walk. Pick it up! Bag it! Use it as fertilizer later, I don’t care! Just clean up your doggies shit.
  • Human shit on the side walk. Seen it once, never again or I’ll loose it.
  • People who stare. CREEPERS! I tell you what!
  • Almost every time I do my laundry, one sock is missing!E-V-E-R-Y-T-I-M-E! Where do all my socks go?! I swear to god if the cloth gnomes grandma told me about as a child are real I’ll shit myself.

People! I’M SLOWLY LOSING MY MIND! I can keep these crazy-trigger things coming and coming. But alas, I won’t. Why? Don’t ask me why or I’ll lose it.

Mid-life WTF!

So for the last few months, since I’ve been back from visiting my crazy ass family I have been in a Idon’tknowwhattodowithmylifeIthinkI’llgoeatworms kind of feeling. This is feeling is uncool in my book and I’m dying to rip these pages out, the only problem with that though is I have to figure out why I am feeling this way. And that my friends is a problem because I have no fucking clue why when I wake up every morning I feel like drop kicking my stuffies off my balcony and eating Lego men. Also, around noon I want to chew my hair while my cat licks her balls and before I go to bed I get cravings of quail, prune juice and Mad Men.

NO I’M NOT PREGNANT! But someone please tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. No doctors are needed for this diagnosis.

Now, let me tell you there are a few things I suspect.

BC: Every other year or so I run out of my birth control and go off it for a couple months. I started this because I would forget my prescription ended and would procrastinate the visit to the doctors because I would be sitting on my ass for two hours only for a prescription that neither I nor the pharmacist can read anyways. So in January I ran out, OOPSIES! Decided to not laze about this time and got my shit together in February.

I did notice when I was off birth control my period punched the shit out of my ovaries. My river was flowing for days and days. Usually with the help of my best friend Yasmin the river lightly flowed for two days and my ovaries were alive after the ordeal.

Being on and the off birth control in a short amount of time made me think that it could perhaps be why I am feeling so melancholy. I’ve been moody as fuck since I’ve been back to Vancouver. I’m telling you, so far this PMS has lasted 3 months and that is coming for a gal who never goes through moody PMS.

Menopause: Thought crossed my mind and left. I’m too young for menopause ain’t nobody Imagegot time for that!

Body: I work out and hard for the body I got. Five days a week I’m in the gym or at the pool and I love it. My body is in better condition than it was when I was a dancer. I’m eating healthier, I look better, the only thing that slaps my gut around is the alcohol. I’ve cut down a lot with only a few blowouts every few months, but after nights of hard partying from downing brewskies, not only am I hung over as fuck but I’m still cut. This I know, is something that needs to change and I will get there, after I finish this delicious Pina Colada.

Work: I recently realized how much I hate working. I love having money, but working is just a mother fucking bummer. My current place of work is filled with negative energy daily and it’s sucking the life out of my every being. At least every other day I work, my balls are metaphorically being sacked by a gypsy and her brood of tater-tots. I love them, don’t get me wrong, but I feel my patience is wearing thin. It is at the point where I’d almost rather be the person who cleans shitters for a living and gives retirees sponges baths than monitor monkeys while they fling their shit at me.

I do feel positive energy, but I get that from from my other sources of employment. They excite me, energize me and motivate me. 

Confused? I’ll fucking say.

Relationship: I have been with my man for a long time, (July 6th will be 5 years), sometimes I question if it’s too long, sometimes I question if it’s not long enough and I wish I could fast forward life ten years from now. He’s 5 years older than I, which we established is a good thing. He doesn’t want marriage, which is fine, I can do without it. (I can’t justify spending endless amounts of money on one day of celebration, so this idea of not getting married keeps my wallet thick and a thick wallet makes me happy.)

However having kids one day would be amazing.I love being the crazy auntie from out west that spoils her nieces and nephews, so having a herd of my own would be killer! Not now, not within five years, but after my 31st birthday I’d love to start spouting out kidlets. Right now, my man is not wanting his own little juniors running around, which is fine, but I worry he may always feel this way. There is a part of me that is thinking fingers crossed and maybe he’ll change (which is stupid), there is a part of me that is saying I won’t ever have kids and should just accept it now, and there is a part of me that’s saying I’m thinking too much about the whole thing and there is a part saying when the time comes deal with it then.

Mid-Life: Is this a pre-mid-life crisis? I’m only twenty-five still young and alive, and yet shit just keeps getting flung my way. I know it’s good to sit in the shit a bit, but i’ve been sitting in it for far to long.

So my friends, I ask you what is wrong with me. While you ponder this question and while I too ponder, I think I’ll go to church and rewrite psalms.

I’m Happiest When…

  1. …you hi-five me
  2. …cuddling with my cat
  3. …I don’t take life to seriously
  4. …you like my legs
  5. …playing video games, but still have a life
  6. …eating strawberry cheesecakeImage
  7. …working out
  8. …reading
  9. …dancing
  10. …at the gym
  11. …having personal training
  12. …writing
  13. …in Ontario with the family
  14. …at the beach
  15. …I’m among friends
  16. …I’m surrounding by men
  17. …I’m in the sun
  18. …drinking green tea
  19. …I’m not working at all on a work week
  20. …I’m sleeping
  21. …I’m around my niece and nephew
  22. …I’m travelling around the city
  23. …I’m by myself
  24. …swimming
  25. …I’m looking at old photos
  26. … watching great fucking movies
  27. … I see reactions to the gifts I’ve given
  28. … I am being massaged.
  29. …I let one rip or burp and no one hears it 
  30. … I have no worries and cares, for the moment
  31. …I’m with my grandma
  32. …I make someone else laugh
  33. …my beer is delivered to me cold and openImage
  34. …I’m in BC
  35. …I’m hiking in the woods
  36. …I’m shopping
  37. … doing yoga
  38. … painting
  39. …cracking wise with good people
  40. …stretching
  41. …on Granville Island
  42. …floating in the water
  43. …dining by the beach
  44. …having a picnic
  45. …eating seafood
  46. …in Wiarton
  47. …playing board games
  48. …wearing high heels
  49. …I’m with my girlfriends
  50. …I’m with the love of my life