Emotional Blue Balls

Okay, ladies and gents I need to vent. I know what you are thinking, “Cait? Vent?” ALWAYS!!!

I don’t know what it is, but it seems to me that there are some serious relationship problems floating through this spring, honestly the birds and the bees are on a hiatus FOR REALZ!.Let me divulge a little, just a little, about my relationship with my honey boo boo child! (31 year old child).

Typically, many women see men as emotionless beings. That’s typically. Unfortunately for me, I was blessed with having no emotions (for the most part), but because of this I feel my man makes up for my lack of emotion. Honestly, I have my rag-time girlfriend visit me once a month and his is 24/7.

Ever since he decided to venture into a new business he’s had more time on his hands. I on the other hand have been incredibly busy working 3 ½ jobs (yes 3 ½). When I do come home he’s upset I don’t spend time with him, and instead I choose to workout, pet my cat, read or write. HOLD THE MOTHER FUCKING PHONE YA’LL! Let’s get some things straight here.

  1. When I do come home, I’m tired. All I want is a little bit of time to settle in, get into my sweatpants, pull a nice cold brewsky from the fridge and mellow the fuck out.
  2. I don’t want to talk about work when I get home. Work is work, work is always work, work is left at work straight up. Sure, ask me about my day, I’ll tell you it was “good,” “bad” “wild” “shitty” whathaveyou. But I am not content, nor up for telling you a play by play about my workday.
  3. I’ll be honest if I come home and there isn’t some sort of supper being cooked up I’m definitely pissy. Sorry but tumblr_lw677pFqFG1qikj2so1_500if I am the sole provider of this god damn relationship, and you are at home picking your nose, yelling at 13 year old kids on the Xbox, you definitely have time cook up some food. If I’m bringing home the bread, all I ask is you bake it.
  4. DON’T BE UPSET THAT I EXPECT YOU TO COOK AND CLEAN! If you ain’t working fucking do something to make this relationship work. I clean constantly when I am home. I’m not asking you to swap the deck like a mother fucking lone pirate, I’m just asking you do the dishes once in awhile, clean the cat’s shitter when it starts to stink, and vacuum. In fact, I can never tell if someone has vacuumed, just tell me you did and I’m kosher baby!
  5. When I am home and at you leisure, I don’t consider watching you on your computer quality time. I would rather be out enjoying life; walking, dancing, playing vids together, fuck and FUCKING! THAT WOULD BE GREAT! That would be ideal. One of the best ways to spend quality time together is to fucking get it in.

Honestly, I am pretty sure my man’s emotions comes from blue balls. Straight up! And he does it to himself. I’m sexual intercourses’ number one fan!! LEGIT! In my ideal world, I would have sex every morning, afternoon delight once a week and finish the day off with a good oral sesh. My man is good once a month. Literally. In fact that last time we had sex beginning of March. The last time we made love with months and months ago. He has so much built up in him, that I swear all his emotions are locked and stocked in his fun stick. Just release baby, release and let go.

Another re-occurring thing that keeps coming up is jealousy. Jealousy gets you nowhere, aside from being a Facebook creeper.  So what, a couple of dudes may think your lady is hot stuff. In case you didn’t notice that is a mother fucking compliment. In my case specifically, I get paid to look pretty, I am aware that my photos will be seen by scholars (haha) and weirdos, but its part of my job. It pays the bills.  I brag about the size of my man’s penis all the time. Any girl would be happy to go for a ride with him, but he’s mine. I’m not scared or threatened he’s going to use his joystick against me (Just happy he’ll use it in me).

Jealousy is a waste of time, effort, and brings out the worst in people. Any relationship with jealousy issues needs to be reflected upon. Like, actually.

I think that all the men in the world are slowly losing their testosterone. Seriously! Ever since Justin Beiber hit the scene, mans vagina has only increased in size!!! (That however is another night, another blog, another story.)



Straight off the bat I would say: tall, dark and handsome. Aside from that, if he is Batman, then it’s golden, Ponyboy. But okay, for realzies, my ideal man:

  • He will appreciate who I am as a person.
  • He will not try to change me. Sorry I may be a woman, but I am no lady.
  • Be funny.
  • Not take life too seriously.
  • He will be able to laugh at himself.
  • Honest.
  • Direct, but not forward.
  • Doesn’t need a lot of money. Hell, doesn’t need any money.
  • Doesn’t flaunt his money if he has it.
  • Doesn’t flaunt period.
  • Allow me to give him the occasional wet willy and noogie.
  • Get along with my feisty feline, Olive.
  • Takes care of his body.
  • He sets goals.
  • Can carry me like a princess. I’m not a princess, but sometimes piggy back doesn’t cut it.
  • Come to the occasional Yoga class with me.
  • He will need to get along with my family. There are a lot of people in my family, so it is a definite invested effort.
  • Wants children one day (Stella, our daughter will be named after my favourite beer. )
  • Appreciates French fries as much as I do.
  • Enjoys going for a walk.
  • Interests in music.
  • Go ice skating with me on my birthday.
  • Doesn’t hold me back.
  • Pushes me.
  • Makes me happy.
  • Trumps my fart.
  • Come to the golf range with me.
  • Teach me card games.
  • Can go on road trips with me and hold my coffee when I drive.
  • Confident, not cocky.
  • Can cook.
  • Doesn’t need a wife. Just a partner a crime.
  • Give great foot massages.
  • Likes The Mighty Boosh.
  • Will take me to The Nutcracker ballet every December.
  • Lets me sleep on the right side of the bed.
  • Doesn’t snore.
  • Eats his vegetables.
  • Could lie on the beach with me all day, every day.
  • Doesn’t smoke.
  • Drinks in moderation.
  • Someone who is social.
  • Will be a good father one day.
  • Someone who is in no rush.
  • Enjoys a good read.
  • Someone who will always put the toilet paper roll on the holder.
  • Someone who makes me happy, just because.