Cait Interrupted

Hi friends,

Alas, where do I even begin…

Monday I was admitted into emergency. Now, in my mind absolutely no real emergency whatsoever. I say this because, for the last two days I was just indifferent. I felt empty, I felt like any feeling I ever felt was gone and that for the remainder of my so-called life I would always feel just this…just…desolate. Cait’s very own wasteland. A place that used to be bumping full of energy and smiles and happy-go-lucky type shit. Now it’s just nothing. An abandoned amusement park, no longer amusing.786e44a15f57dded1b6359cd0e6cfd32

This year has been quite the rollercoaster to say the least and fuck do I ever hate using that metaphor, but it is so true. Up and down, then stalls, then up and down, then some bitch loses her phone because she’s a fucking idiot for trying to take a selfie with a phone……UGH!!!!!!!!!!! This ride isn’t fun anymore.

I called my mom on Monday. I was sad. I often call mom when I am sad. I don’t mean too, and I hate to have her feel helpless because she isn’t here, but there are only few people I feel semi-okay/butnotreally/butitstheclosestIwillgettofeelingcomfortablewithsomeone.

If mom is busy, I call the ex. Now, before you guys go to any conclusions let me explain something to you. My ex and I have been broken up for two years now. In the beginning I would do my best not to call him in these moments, simply because I didn’t want him to feel used. I didn’t want him to feel like I only called him because for 8 years we were together and it was routine, it was comfort. However, he knows me. He knows I’m incredibly stubborn, he knows I hate feet, he knows the scars on my body (inside and out), he knows about my secret obsession with nutcrackers (shhhhh it’s a secret!). He just knows me. He perhaps, is my closest confidant.

On Monday, after being on the phone with my mom, I called the ex. We decided it was time to take me in. Where folks? TO THE LOONY BIN OF COURSE! Kidding! I get I’m crazy, but I am not quite girl interrupted yet. Hospital it is.

On the way to there, I was thinking two things: 1) This isn’t a real emergency? 2) So craving a Happy Meal…

We get there and it isn’t busy one bit. Thank gawd too. I would hate to have someone with a machete in their head or someone birthing a goat have to wait on me just because I am having a sad, sad day.

I was shocked. And I don’t know why I was so shocked, but when I got there everyone was so comforting. The nurses seem to genuinely care about my well being. They didn’t want me to leave, they didn’t want me to feel sadness anymore, they truly wanted to help me. So much in fact they bumped me up before a sick baby. Sorry sick baby, but Cait’s a baby too….

They brought me in to see a psychoanalyst. I forget her name, but she was quite lovely. They also brought in a general physician.I was broken friends. I couldn’t stop feeling sad, I couldn’t stop crying. How did I let it get to this point? ME! Cait the mother fucking great, the toughest cookie in town was crumbling.

I talked to ….lets call her Miss Lovely (psychoanalyst). She truly was lovely. She seemed to have compassion for me, she wanted to understand, she genuinely was listening to all my words and ramblings. She asked me questions, upon questions, but for once I didn’t mind. She asked me about my drug use, I was honest. About my diet, I was honest, about any past or present relationships and in that I tried not to share. I tried not to be honest, but in the end she knew the whole story.

Miss Lovely, then talked to the ex. Since he knows me best, sometimes I think better than I know myself. They both came in a short time later.

I will now be going to an outpatient treatment center. Just to have someone to talk to once 3a51a-depressiontwo8-2in awhile. Someone who can hopefully help me sort out my shit. Someone who is either willing or at least paid to listen to my stories (and I got lots of them stories).

It was funny, on the drive home, the ex turn towards me and… Miss Lovely was so fuck foxing, I should got her number….ugh!!!!! BOYS!!! We had a laughed. He dropped me off, helped cleaned my place a bit, tucked both Bear and I into bed and then it was Tuesday. A new day, still a sad one, but then it’ll be Wednesday, then Thursday, and if it’s true what They say (who ever They are), every day gets better. And I’ve finally taken steps to get better myself.

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Emotional Blue Balls

Okay, ladies and gents I need to vent. I know what you are thinking, “Cait? Vent?” ALWAYS!!!

I don’t know what it is, but it seems to me that there are some serious relationship problems floating through this spring, honestly the birds and the bees are on a hiatus FOR REALZ!.Let me divulge a little, just a little, about my relationship with my honey boo boo child! (31 year old child).

Typically, many women see men as emotionless beings. That’s typically. Unfortunately for me, I was blessed with having no emotions (for the most part), but because of this I feel my man makes up for my lack of emotion. Honestly, I have my rag-time girlfriend visit me once a month and his is 24/7.

Ever since he decided to venture into a new business he’s had more time on his hands. I on the other hand have been incredibly busy working 3 ½ jobs (yes 3 ½). When I do come home he’s upset I don’t spend time with him, and instead I choose to workout, pet my cat, read or write. HOLD THE MOTHER FUCKING PHONE YA’LL! Let’s get some things straight here.

  1. When I do come home, I’m tired. All I want is a little bit of time to settle in, get into my sweatpants, pull a nice cold brewsky from the fridge and mellow the fuck out.
  2. I don’t want to talk about work when I get home. Work is work, work is always work, work is left at work straight up. Sure, ask me about my day, I’ll tell you it was “good,” “bad” “wild” “shitty” whathaveyou. But I am not content, nor up for telling you a play by play about my workday.
  3. I’ll be honest if I come home and there isn’t some sort of supper being cooked up I’m definitely pissy. Sorry but tumblr_lw677pFqFG1qikj2so1_500if I am the sole provider of this god damn relationship, and you are at home picking your nose, yelling at 13 year old kids on the Xbox, you definitely have time cook up some food. If I’m bringing home the bread, all I ask is you bake it.
  4. DON’T BE UPSET THAT I EXPECT YOU TO COOK AND CLEAN! If you ain’t working fucking do something to make this relationship work. I clean constantly when I am home. I’m not asking you to swap the deck like a mother fucking lone pirate, I’m just asking you do the dishes once in awhile, clean the cat’s shitter when it starts to stink, and vacuum. In fact, I can never tell if someone has vacuumed, just tell me you did and I’m kosher baby!
  5. When I am home and at you leisure, I don’t consider watching you on your computer quality time. I would rather be out enjoying life; walking, dancing, playing vids together, fuck and FUCKING! THAT WOULD BE GREAT! That would be ideal. One of the best ways to spend quality time together is to fucking get it in.

Honestly, I am pretty sure my man’s emotions comes from blue balls. Straight up! And he does it to himself. I’m sexual intercourses’ number one fan!! LEGIT! In my ideal world, I would have sex every morning, afternoon delight once a week and finish the day off with a good oral sesh. My man is good once a month. Literally. In fact that last time we had sex beginning of March. The last time we made love with months and months ago. He has so much built up in him, that I swear all his emotions are locked and stocked in his fun stick. Just release baby, release and let go.

Another re-occurring thing that keeps coming up is jealousy. Jealousy gets you nowhere, aside from being a Facebook creeper.  So what, a couple of dudes may think your lady is hot stuff. In case you didn’t notice that is a mother fucking compliment. In my case specifically, I get paid to look pretty, I am aware that my photos will be seen by scholars (haha) and weirdos, but its part of my job. It pays the bills.  I brag about the size of my man’s penis all the time. Any girl would be happy to go for a ride with him, but he’s mine. I’m not scared or threatened he’s going to use his joystick against me (Just happy he’ll use it in me).

Jealousy is a waste of time, effort, and brings out the worst in people. Any relationship with jealousy issues needs to be reflected upon. Like, actually.

I think that all the men in the world are slowly losing their testosterone. Seriously! Ever since Justin Beiber hit the scene, mans vagina has only increased in size!!! (That however is another night, another blog, another story.)

 

Negative Nancy: Suck It.

Negative outlooks on life are overrated. I’m sorry folks, but what the fuck died and made half the world emo all of a sudden? I get it, in some parts of the world and perhaps the majority of the time it’s a shitty place, but it always, always, ALWAYS … could be worse.

Now, I find myself, more or less a positive person. Even in my most down in the dumps, sitting in the shit moments, I always try to find a positive outlook. For instance:

  • Yes I burned my hair with a curling iron, but at least I have hair…
  • Yes, the awkward cellphone tan embedded on my face is embarrassing and potentially cancerous, but at least it’s not raining…
  • Yes, The Beibster is a Canadian brat, but at least we have…Mayor Rob Ford?…and bacon.
  • Yes, sleeping with a Welsh man, 10 years my senior was a terrible highlight of my life and an utter waist of 2 minutes, but at least I’ve been able to warn others of the Welsh…
  • Yes, passing out in the elevator only to be woken up by an old man poking me with what I can only assume is a cane was not ideal at all, but at least my half eaten McNuggets and french fries were semi luke warm…

I think you get were we are going with this. Things could be worse, (yes things could be better), but things can always be worse. Seriously. It is this way of thinking that has allowed me to float through this world like a fart in the wind. “Pfff…”

Now, I am speaking for myself here, and … … … no FUCK IT, I am speaking for a shitload of peeps right now, Negative Nancy’s are not needed in anyone’s life. There is nothing worse than sitting with someone who always bitches and moans about the world, they are always down in the dumps complaining about fucking everything. Fucking die already and stop sucking up human air. Honestly, these people are a real life suck. If you are so unhappy about every god damn thing, acting like fucking ‘Queen of Les Miserables Cunt’, off yourself already please. You are not appreciated or needed.

Now, some may speculate some of this Negative Nancy-‘esque’ quality is due to low self-esteem (I am definitely part of that some). The way to fix your self-esteem is to keep your head up kid! If that doesn’t work here are a few things I do to ditch my low self-esteem:

  • Bust a nut/bruise the beaver. If anything, masturbation is the ultimate body booster.
  • Cat Videos. Straight up.
  • Watch videos on Save Children in Poverty. Yes, it’s grim, but hey it’s not you. Didn’t I saw it could be worse?
  • The Human Centipede, you’ll hate me for watching it, but always thank me, because that shit ain’t you and if it is, your self-esteem issues are a loss cause.
  • The realization you are waking up in your own bed, hammock, futon, whatever the fuck you have.
  • Remember you can’t put toothpaste back in a tube. You aren’t toothpaste.

Honestly, it’s little thoughts and things like this that will brighten your spirits. LEGIT!.

You could do the Poe thing and emo the shit out of your poetry, but there are only so many words that rhyme with death, egregious, and fortnight. It’s not worth it, really.

You see, the thing with both negativity and positivity is they are contagious. Which would you rather spread?

Favourites

Okay, this may seem like I am a broken record and if I am fuck you. Broken records can still play some great tunes. I’ve decided to blog about my favourite things. I think it had to do with my previous movie marathon of The Sound of Music. Yes folks, thats me JUST  watching The Sound of Music over and over again, my choice. OR perhaps and this is just perhaps it has to do with me getting the get-to-know-you done and over with. No more first dates needed! Just blog your favies, and tadah!!! You’ll be getting to 3rd base before you meet a bitch. Think about it this could be the new trend. I mean,  #trend.

These are random favourites, some quite useless and would probably never be mention during a lifer-courtship, but whatever. Alright, read me up creeps!

ImageFlower(s): Poppies! Perhaps it has to do with the poppies being my grandma’s favourite flower or because it made Dorothy fall asleep (sleep as ya’ll know by now is one of my favourite past times). Next too poppies I love tiger lilies. My grandma grew these (among other flowers), along side the house and they always caught my attention.

Actor(s): Straight up Leo DiCaprio and Ewan McGregor. Makes sense!

Colour: GREEN!

Dessert: Strawberry cheesecake.

Animal(s): EWOKS! And wolves and foxes.

Book: The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams and Fall on Your Knees by Anne-Marie MacDonald.

Movie: The Wizard of Oz and Moulin Rouge.

Number: 4, more specifically 04, looks better on a jersey.

Body Part: My nose, which may surprise many! I love my nose. It’s not too big, it’s not too small, it’s just right. 

Clothing:  Sweat pants and feathers!

Sport: Hmmm, well I enjoy playing Volleyball the most, but I prefer to watch male divers..haha…yeah….

Season: Fall. Everything about it is beautiful! The colours, styles, the crispy air, the feeling that Christmas is on it’s way and of course PUMPKIN SPICE!

Drink: Green tea, always green tea…mmmmmm green tea….

Podcast: The Adam Carolla Show!

Form of Exercise: Anything that gets me a sweating and my heart a pumping! So dancing, fucking, running, swimming…..

Video GAme: This is tough, because there are so many shitty ones and so many great ones. And then there are the games that where great during the time, but you look at it now and you’d rather eat a McMuffin that was shat out from a middle-aged man child with a baby arm. Therefore… Golden Eye (N64), Dishonored (Xbox), Prince of Persia Sands of Time (Game Cube) and yeah….that’ll do for now. OH WAIT, but the most epic and awesome video game Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Dudes, I’m telling you if they remade this game with pimped out graphics, that would be stellar!

Thing to shout: STELLA!! Preferably while I’m ripping my shirt up.

Director: Quentin Tarantino.

Super Hero: BATMAN! Image

Day: Thursday. Yoga, cardio cross and step class.

Qualities: Love, beauty, health.

Saying(s): There’s no place like home, suck it up, buttercup!

Drug: Love and when it’s not love its WoW crack.

Past times: Sleeping, dancing, exercising, laughing and video games.

Vacation Destination: Home, but if Tatooine would be an option I would just Tatooine.

Shoes: Moccasins and ruby red slippers.

Pet: I had an obese cat named Gertie who I loved dearly. She pissed on everything that wasn’t mine and poke me in the eye when I was attempting to sleep, she also served as a great pillow. Shyanne, was essentially my nana for atleast 12 years of my life. My currently cat, is still worker her way to my favourite list. She’s a bitch.

Food: French Fries.

Movie Character: The Tin Man and The Velveteen Rabbit.

MMmkay folks…..

Fin.

I Love You, But…

 

batman_cryingI love you, but you don’t believe I’m Batman.

I love you, but you need to get out more and enjoy life.

I love you, but you but you need to listen, (at least 50% of the time).

I love you, but sometimes you bring me down.

I love you, but you will never find the golden ticket.

I love you, but watching The Human Centipede wasn’t worth it.

I love you, but you don’t need to put yourself before everyone else. Be selfish once in awhile.

I love you, but don’t let people get to you, unless it’s Ewan McGregor (He can get to you/in you/on you any day)

I love you, but sometimes you should just hold in your fart.

I love you, but you need to accept me for me, (CRAZY).

I love you, but you don’t smile as much anymore. And when you do, it’s sad. A sad smile. That’s not a good smile. It’s like a sad, sad, clown. I would rather cup my cats fart than see a sad smile.

10_EmiLenoxI love you, but you don’t care about a lot of things in life, so just pretend you care.

I love you, but you need to figure your shit out.

I love you, but you don’t express how you feel often and when you do, it’s once in a blue moon. And when that blue moon comes around everyone is running for cover.

I love you, but you are too hard on yourself.

I love you, but you need to allow others to help you out.

I love you, but you drool in your sleep, and it’s kind of annoying, and messy and gets all over the place.

I love you, but you laugh too much and sometimes dribble, in you pants, down your leg.

I love you, but you need to stop watching daytime television.

I love you, but what……?

(Just a little note, to someone special, to someone crazy, to someone who is a narcissistic , future jedi knight…ME!)

I love you, but you can’t always make light of a situation, everything isn’t always a joke.

My Lady Problems

So being a lady, straight up I have issues. Like all people in the world no matter the race, sex, species and what have you we all got problems. Today I shall share with you my girl problems, which I am sure, if not all, most females can relate too.

  • Breaking in a new pair of high heels, never fun.
  • Breaking in a new pair of anything is never fun (unless it’s the bed).kgrhqyokjqe1y9eds0bnkpi80cgq_3
  • Once a month dilemma: do I by a bundle pack of tampons from Costco for 5$ made out of cardboard by hard-knocked little orphans in Kuwait, or do I just TP this months wave?
  • Getting drinks at a bar: Do my boobie go over the counter, or under?
  • The days when you want your girls to be free, but the weather says it’s just not in your cards.
  • Justin Beiber: Makes me embarrassed to be a woman….wait….is JB a she?
  • When guys hair is longer than mine. Unless you are a wizard or some bad ass native warrior then SNIP SNIP.
  • When it’s that time of the month: Do you remain celibate for that time period and just resort to whipping yourself of your sins or do you let the bloke ride the crimson wave with you.
    Image
  • Snorting when I laugh.Now I don’t know if this is one that I personally have or if this affects all women.
  • Thongs: Not always a win-win Especially since it’s call butt floss for a reason.
  • Waterproof mascara! Don’t come off in the rain please, but please come off in the shower.
  • Realizing that some guys aren’t your friends anymore once you get a boyfriend.
  • I own a pair of B34’s therefore, I do have balls and they are bigger than any man’s they are just located on my chest.
  • CRAMPS!!!!!
  • Adjustable shower heads are a girls best friend.
  • Sweatpants Saturday to Sunday.
  • Yoga Pants Mondays to Fridays.
  • Most orgasms start off as fake, gets them boys going and working harder, which in turn….voila….we see the light!
  • Chocolate….mmmmm….chocolate…5ho5abscpjftgugj5dr9
  • PMS!
  • The fear that one day a human baby will possibly emerge clawing from my womb as I lie in a medical bed strapped down wishing I’d have been drugged up on herbal remedies.
  • The loathing of your period coming.
  • The fear of your period not coming.
  • Tender Boobies.

Alas, sadly this is only a few of the lady problems I currently face.

Please say I am not alone ladies.