Lady-Like

Alright friends, since my last few bloggy blogs have been nothing but sad, sad stories, I have decided to switch things up and be not so depressing. [however: the fact I am blogging at 2 in the morning, chiefing my peace pipe while watching Say Yes To The Dress is in fact incredibly sad news]

MOVING ON!

Tonight/today/this morning… whenever the fuck you decide to read this, I am here to give you all some lovely little lady-like advice. Those of you who know me, know I am quite the woman, but I certainly ain’t no lady. REGARDLESS! I am here, and I am willing and I am ready {Side Note: These are the words I said to the first man I slept with after my ex, and it was wet, wild and worth it!, granted I was on my knees wearing nipple pasties and an edible thong, but you get the idea].

  1. e551991c8f7d806c962b0c8069cb96f2Be straight-forward. Don’t be some pansey lil’ asshole that beats around the bush. You want something, take it, you want to say something, say it! Some fucker keeps hollaring at you and you ain’t interested, kick the clown in the fucking pecker and be done with it. No bullshit ladies! No fucking bullshit! Ain’t nobody got time for that, especially a lady.
  2. Honesty. If I ask you if you masturbate and you say no. You are a goddamn liar and certainly no lady. Be honest with yourself and others. It doesn’t mean we want to listen to your ETrue Hollywood Story (chances are we don’t and no one gives 2 shits about it), it means be HONEST.
  3. Leave a little mystery. You want men to say Who is this girl? I want to know more? Oh the things I would do! etc.etc. Trust me, mystery is key and the longer you keep it going the better. Sure, if you shacking up with some fellow over and over again, the mystery may fade, fuck the mystery could be over the first time you play anal acoustics, but alas leave a lil something something to keep those boys wanted more. (Side story: I totally was vibing this one guy and he was vibing me, and this had been something going on for quite awhile, when we finally did the deed. That was it, he was done with me, no mystery left in his mind. I was left with no respect and a sore vagina)
  4. Be short. Not as in pint-sized, but as in how you verbalize your thoughts. So for example: Him: Where were you last night? Me: Out. Him: Did you have fun? Me: Sure did. Him: Do you care to share? Me: Not really. Now I know this may feel like it’s coming off as a bit dickish, but it’s not, it’s lady-like. Why? Because you aren’t giving away to much and it’s no one’s business anyways. Plus, the moments you do decide to divulge a little more, they’ll either appreciate or not fucking listen.
  5. Never stay the night. NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER!!! Stay the night, don’t do it. That has been probably my number rule in life and in being lady-like. Now, I am definitely a sucker for morning sex, it’s totally my jam. I love waking up getting a nice, lazy shag going on and then bounce. HOWEVER, these moments needs to happen before the early birds make it for 5$ breakfast. Reasons for this: 1) After a night of whatever my make up and hair is no more as mint as it was prior to. Half the time, I resemble a sad panda already regretting past shenanigans. Not ideal, not sexy. not lady-like. 2) If you leave before him waking up he’ll either appreciate your kindness and will want to see more of you, or he will wish you stayed and still wants more of you. win/win.
  6. e14cd95a68c4bbe95d829d6b48715722 (1)Lingerie (spanx included). Always, have some lingerie floating around. I know I do. I have some on hand just in case. Men, love it. Even just having dudes know you have it around is good. Here’s why and I’ll explain this by sharing a little antidote in The Life of Cait. I once had a friend you was fuck buddy. One day he saw lingerie in my car, he inquired about it, and immediately I saw his eyes light up. But every time we  bumped naughty bits, I never wore it. UNTIL …..(drum roll please) ….one day, after countless games of hide the sausage I finally had it on and the look on his face, was fucking worth it. He went wild, that night we banged until the sun came up (may of broke my not spending the night rule). Lingerie ladies. L-I-N-G-E-R-I-E.
  7. Pay your own way. There is nothing worse than a thirsty bitch. No guy needs some cunt soaking up his hard earned $$$$$. Pay your own ladies. It really is that simple. When I go out I always pay my own. Once in a while, when then man I’m with takes a wiz, I’ll pay his too. It shows mutual respect, and whether we are a couple or not, he can always get me back next time. No biggy. Now, sure if I am out on a date, and he wants to pay, I’ll let him, but I always offer. (I GIVE, I GIVE, I GIVE!)
  8. Let a man feel like a man. Now, I am a huge fan of bringing a man down, but when I do, I build him up just so I can bring him back down all over again haha! KIDDING! Nah, I am not that rude. What I mean to say is, let the man you are with (whether your friend, boyfriend, or whatever) feel like what he is. A FUCKING MAN. Let him make the moves and let him lead the way. And if for whatever reason he can’t and he is struggling, guide him, but let never take the lead.
  9. Be free. Don’t let anyone, let alone a man tell you how to live your life. Do it your 26POP-master768way. My way is usually slagging it up at the local pub, but every lady has their own way of expressing their freedom. I choose free love man. FREE FUCKING LOVE!
  10. Own it! And owning shit involves a multitude of things. Whatever shape or size you are. Be proud girl, love yourself completely! You make a mistake, own up to it. Acknowledge your faults, it’s okay. Everybody has fucked up, don’t hide it. Be the first to say sorry if it comes down to it. You bought a dress a size off, wear that shit like no other (but return it the next day) haha.

Alright ladies. These are just a few tips to being a true lady (at least in my world). In the words of Storm Large “What the fuck is lady-like if ladies like to do the fuck they like”just like me!

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Cait Tid-Bits #2

Never hold in a fart, always let ‘er rip.

  • #1 it ain’t healthy to keep them gases up in yer keaster
  • #2 it shows confidence (trust me on this one)

Lighten the fuck up. Most things in life shouldn’t be taken so seriously.

  • If you don’t get that the job you’ve been eyeing up-become a hooker,
  • You fail your mid term-study! Or better yet sit next to the Asian kid (in my case, Chun Li),
  • A baby destroyed your vagina-well there are some people in the world with out vaginas…I think you get the drift

It always could be worse. Seriously, zombie apocalypse, Beiber for president, Danny Devito clones, killer clowns etc, etc, etc.

Wake up and fucking stretch.

Find a friend named Lily, I’ve never met a Lily I didn’t like.

Find a friend named Michael (aka Mike). Everyone knows ones, usually he’s your common douche mouthing off to nuns and immigrants, but everybody needs one (he’ll make you feel better about yourself).

Workout! I don’t care if your pumping iron, dancing, fucking, walking, tippy toeing on a treadmill or whatever the fuck. Move your body and move it often! Exercise is great for the mind and the body. You’ll feel great and look great.

I hate to say it but money does make the world go ‘round. Unless you sucking off Bill Gates you need to spend within your means! Spoil yourself here and there, but if you’re consistently buying yourself designer brands and lap dances, you’ll be scrounging the alleyways for caps.

Smack someone with The Bible.

Don’t eat East Indian food. (I was hugging porcelain for days).

High-5 someone at least once a day.

Own a pet. Me? I got my boyfriend and my awesome four-legged roommate feline, Olive.

Don’t do the idiot test.

Read a book.

Try smoke and a pancake.

Try cigarettes and chocolate milk.

Remember the world doesn’t revolve around you, however ‘your’ world does. So tell people off, throw down your grump thunder, hire a middle-aged Filipino to fan you with a giant leaf, kick old geezers off your curb. You’ll be a douche if you do so, but in this world it is yours. However, if you aren’t such a rage warrior, then you can milk a cow, hand ribbons for participation and eat a dick.

Fin.

Freebee #5

I’ve been in a relationship now for almost 5 years. Come July 6th, me and my honey will be able to do something I look forward to every anniversary! No it’s not bumping naughty bits or actually celebrating the day with ‘togetherness’ and all the couply mushy shit, This is something far more greater, far more necessary, it’s adding another celebrity Freebee to our list! CAN’T WAIT! I know, I know, like I’ll ever be able to diddle Ewan McGregor’s light saber or have Adam Carolla drop a digit on me, but hey a girl can dream can’t she.

Now here’s my problem. Every year we add another freebee to our list, but I am troubled with who to choose. Nothing else matters in the world right now people! I need to figure out who my new celebrity freebee will be 2 months from now before the world can continue living.

First, I think it’s best I share my list thus far.

Obi-Wan Kenobi (AKA Ewan McGregor). Since Moulin Rouge I’ve fallen in love with this man and have not been able to escape it. He’s sexy, climbed out of the dirtiest toilet in Scotland, he can sing, he can move, he is in naked in half the films he makes, plus STAR WARS! HELLO! I was so obsessed with this man in high school, I made myself a marriage certificate where I hyphenated my last name with his, I wrote his name all over my binder and seriously considered getting a tattoo in a discrete location so that one day when we would meet, he would know I was his (or run the fuck in the other direction).

Conan O’Brien. This ginger gets me going. I don’t know if it’s because he’s funny as fuck or he has legs for days and make jeggings look reasonable. Sure, I would probably only measure up to his waist, but hey most men appreciate that, guys would rather have a girl head to head opposed to face to face. 

Jason Bateman: He’s adorable! He does great films, not in the public eye too much, definitely handsome and funny! I’m telling ya, boys that make me laugh deserve to be in my life just as much as I deserve to be in theirs! Fuck, I love funny people.

Adam Carolla: This Ace man is saucy, sexy(mainly because he doesn’t know he is), he actually works, he is a racist/set in his ways (although I just see it as honesty) and he complains about everything. I used to think I hated complainers and couldn’t stand them worth shit, but when Carolla does it he’s worth a shit or two. 

Now who to add next too my list! SO MANY CHOICE!

I really admire Seth MacFarlane! He’s easy on the eyes, can sing, dance, funny and you know he has got to have a huge tube steak!

Patrick Warburton you may not recognize his name, but you will recognize his voice. It’s deep, low, and sound like a black man pretending to be white. Any man, who has a voice like that makes me melt in more ways than one. He’s also a big guy, who could carry me like a princess, that is a bonus!

Finally the last person I’m seriously considering to be in the running is Zac Efron. Please understand this is a more of a eye candy thing, no substance. He might be funny, might be funny, I don’t fucking know, I don’t even know the guy. He’s body says he could slam me in a mattress and that is all I need.

Thoughts friends? I would ask my boyfriend for assistance, but the fact he has Anne Hathaway and Laura Linney on his list doesn’t make me want his input!

 

10 Ways to Rid Yourself of a Terrible Roommate Experience

Hey folks! Before I lived with my man-child, I lived with a crazy ass flat mate. Was she legit psycho? No! But she was fucking bonkers, to top it off she was not the most hygienic of flat mates either. At first everything was cool, we lived out of boxes, we went Dutch on some appliances and the TV, she gave me the bigger room which gave her major points in my book. But all this Cosby love went sour as the years went on. She began showing her true colours by leaving rags all over (not your typical cleaning kind), never took the garbage out, never did dishes, and hogged the living room and whathaveyou. We lived together for about 2 years before she graduated and I hit the town running! She was my first and worst! After this I went solo for a bit and was never happier. So I’ve decided in reminiscing about the past flat mate experience to dice up some helpful tips to rid yourselves of a terrible, sloppy ass mother fucking roommate experience. Whether they are clingy, lazy, virgins, Jews, freaks of nature or whatever the fuck, these pointers will get those fuckers the fuck out!

Before I divulge my words of wisdom I would just like to say: YOU’RE WELCOME!

1)      Before you move in with a potential roomie make sure you know who the fuck they are. I ‘knew’ my roommate through university. Our first year we lived on the same floor in the dorm, and we were a part of the same clubs. Basically friends of convenient circumstance. If it wasn’t for this convenience, we would not be friends I assure you that. Living together, our friendship turned into acquaintances and then turned into mush. We no longer speak, and although I may do the occasional creep on her Facebook portfolio we just were not meant to be. KNOW  YOUR ROOMIES! If you don’t know too much about them at least know when they take their showers, shits and meds! Trust me!

2)      As soon as you notice your first missing cookie from your pack of Oreos, know that it Imagewasn’t you and there is a 100% chance it was your roommate. If they deny it, there is going to be some major issues! That would be the equivalent of standing in a room and tapping the only other person in the room on the shoulder and saying it wasn’t you. If they admit to their cookie stealing ways, you tell them straight up, STRIKE 1! Make sure they know it too! They may take your cookie today, but your brewskies will be the target tomorrow.

3)      Be picky with who they bring over. Be a detective. I’m telling you, this women I lived with brought in some sketchy ass mother fuckers and I’m not pointing any fingers, but the minute my shit goes missing, gets tainted, rearranged and whatever the fuck, those sketchy mother fuckers did it! Screen them, test them, search them when they come marching into your territory. Fuck, I’d even go so far to give my roommate a password to enter (that’s right she ain’t getting no key).

4)      RULES! Establish rules when you guys first move in. Rules as in: my spaces-your space, no touchy-yes touchy,mine-yours-ours, who pays rent when, music volume, TV schedule etc. You get the point! It’s useful! You do not want to come home to an unscheduled beaver bumping sesh on your own bed. You will need to negotiate and compromise! Sorry sweethearts everything can’t be on your terms!

5)      Relationship! This does not mean you need to go out all the time together, or tend to each other’s personal issues. Think of it as a business transaction. You live together, both pay rent, tend to each other once or twice a week, but that is it (unless of course your roomie is great at oral, then they can tend all you want).

6)      Communicate! This falls under relationship. If you’re short on funds, or you are unhappy with something your roommate is doing tell them. Don’t play all coy and keep your trap shut. Ain’t nobody got time for that! Tell them, talk! Verbalize!

7)      Tell them to clean and you do the same. They make dinner/you do dishes, you clean the kitchen/they scrub the tub, you vacuum the carpet/they take out the garbage. It’s as simple as that. If you are doing your part they will do their part. If they aren’t doing their part twist their nipples and tell them to scrub that porcelain. 

Image

Easy-Peasy-Lemon-Squeezy!

8)      Borrowing! Do not let them borrow things! This may sound anal, but don’t! They live with you why would they need to borrow anything? Don’t let them borrow your computer, CD’s, gotchies, nothing!

9)      Do your own laundry! Just because you live together does not mean you cater to them or they cater to your dirty skiddies. If you have coin laundry, use your own money, if it’s a laundry card put on what you need that day. Now, when it comes to towels and wash clothes, I still say keep yours separate. You do not want someone else’s skin flakes floating on your Downy cleaned garments.

10)   Same sex! Move in with the same sex! Yes, my first roomie experience was terrible, but if she were a dude it would not have lasted as long as it did. You won’t have to worry about trying to fuck your roomie, or hiding your naughty bits. (This makes for less drama believe it or not). And there will be no awkward excitement when your roomie comes across your dildo in the bathroom cabinet.

There it is! 10 just 10! Simple easy ways to rid you of ever encountering terrible, lame, dirty-ass, motherfucking, nogoodfornothing, flat mates.

ImagePS: Bonus tip, if you have been following this guideline and your roommate is driving you up the wall you can do two things: 1) call their parents and tell them what is up. 2) Start talking to your roommate through a puppet on your hand, they’ll leave faster than the Welsh cum (2mins flat).

5 Tips For The Ladies: Men

  • Men prefer ladies to be healthy, no coke whores,and definitely no MacDonald’s regulars. I’m not saying a little junk in the trunk ain’t okay, don’t hide your lady lumps or stress over a few wrinkles here and there. Just remember beauty is from the inside out, a healthy mind=healthy body. A girl with confidence, means she won’t be nagging him 24/7 and trust me, guys appreciate it greatly.
  • Boys love their mama’s, they do! Let them love them, and understand that they will be a part of your life no matter what. Ain’t nothing we can do about it.
  • Believe it or not, men are huge Gossips. HUGE! Ever watch Gossip Girl? When the damn show was finally over the “Gossip Girl” in the end was non other than a dude! FOR REALS!!! You tell a bloke one thing and before you know it everyone in town knows about it. I swear they are worse then women.
  • Never hurt his ego. Face it, males are egotistical man-droids. Let their head inflate to it’s capacity and let it air out slowly. Also try, to give them compliments about their accomplishments (i.e promotions, etc.)
  • Push those fuckers! They have high aspirations and goals, but you literally have to kick their asses, to get them to achieve them.

Um, that is all for now….