Here’s A List.
Just a list of MY first world problems.
These problems are problems that people in third world countries would roll their eyes at.
Therefore these problems, these first world problems, are not really problems worth worrying about.
- Taking the bus.
- Phone battery dies from playing too much Candy Crush (either that or downloading too much porn).
- Ty Pennington.
- Having technology constantly changing, which means new and newer products are coming out all the time. Which means; me and my iPhone 4 are living in the past.
- Realizing how much money I’ve wasted on Poggs.
- The Red Wedding.
- The last Batman movie. Unforgivable.
- Drunken hiccups.
- Freshman 15.
- Video Games glitching out.
- Paying Rent.
- Rent. (All five hundred, twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes of it!)
- When my beer isn’t on tap.
- When a keg isn’t tapped.
- Food babies.
- Babies. More specifically the thought of a baby emerging from my vagina.
- Forgetting to chew my food.
- Not being able to get reception in the elevator.
- Having to pay for laundry.
- Being frowned upon when asking a Mongolian child to pump my air mattress in exchange for an acorn.
- The Nanny.
- Cleaning bath tubs after four years of never realizing I had to clean the tub.
- NETFLIX Canadian version.
- Slimy video game controllers.
- Cleaning up your pets shit.
- Cleaning up shit.
- Having to drink tap water.
- Twerking. (Now, this I believe, is also becoming a third world issue.)
- When my birthday gifts begin to turn into what I need instead of what I want.
- When any kind of button on sticks together.
- When anything sticks together. Unless it’s Velcro. (Velcro needs to stick together.)
- Kathy Griffin.
- Knowing there is shit going on in the world, but being more worried about how long my iPhone update is going to take.
- Running out of Q-tips.
- Having to rub my ass with a leaf, instead of TP.
- Losing a bet.
- Being dutch-oven-ed by a man I lay with.
- Having to rent a movie because IOS Hunt is down.
- Santa not getting me anything on my Christmas list.
- A slow internet connection.
- Having no beer in my beer fridge.
- When Starbucks runs out of my usual tall, blonde.
- Tall blondes.
- The last three Star Wars Films.
- Make up running down my face.
- Make up no coming off my face.
- Tasting my own sweat.
- Video game load times.
- Having to pay for weed.
- Having too many hangers and not enough clothes to use them all.
- Shoes smelling like feet.
- Trips to the dentist.
- Deodorant stains.
- Toothpaste stains.
- STAINS in general.
- JB AND MC.
- Realizing I forgot my sunglasses while driving into a sunset.
- Having to say Happy Holidays instead of Merry FUCKING Christmas to strangers.
- Paying for stamps.
- Collecting food stamps.
- Not being able to play an instrument.
- Soggy cereal.
- Remembering how I used to eat cereal, but don’t anymore because it gets soggy. (Mmmmm….cereal….)
- The fact that I get all the questions wrong on Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader. (I still firmly believe they are not children, but genius midgets fooling us all.
These are just a few of MY first world problems.
What are yours?
Oh here’s another one of my first world problems: having to listen to yours.