First World Problems

Here’s A List.

Just a list of MY first world problems.

These problems are problems that people in third world countries would roll their eyes at.

Therefore these problems, these first world problems, are not really problems worth worrying about.

Yet,alas,I do.

  • Taking the bus.
  • Phone battery dies from playing too much Candy Crush (either that or downloading too much porn).
  • Ty Pennington.
  • Having technology constantly changing, which means new and newer products are coming out all the time. Which means; me and my iPhone 4 are living in the past.Image
  • Realizing how much money I’ve wasted on Poggs.
  • The Red Wedding.
  • The last Batman movie. Unforgivable.
  • Drunken hiccups.
  • Freshman 15.
  • Hangovers.
  • Video Games glitching out.
  • Paying Rent.
  • Rent. (All five hundred, twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes of it!)
  • When my beer isn’t on tap.
  • When a keg isn’t tapped.
  • Food babies.
  • Babies. More specifically the thought of a baby emerging from my vagina.
  • Forgetting to chew my food.
  • Not being able to get reception in the elevator.
  • Having to pay for laundry.
  • Being frowned upon when asking a Mongolian child to pump my air mattress in exchange for an acorn.
  • The Nanny.
  • Cleaning bath tubs after four years of never realizing I had to clean the tub.
  • NETFLIX Canadian version.
  • Slimy video game controllers.
  • Cleaning up your pets shit.
  • Cleaning up shit.
  • Having to drink tap water.
  • Twerking. (Now, this I believe, is also becoming a third world issue.)
  • When my birthday gifts begin to turn into what I need instead of what I want.Image
  • Twilight.
  • When any kind of button on sticks together.
  • When anything sticks together. Unless it’s Velcro. (Velcro needs to stick together.)
  • Kathy Griffin.
  • Knowing there is shit going on in the world, but being more worried about how long my iPhone update is going to take.
  • Running out of Q-tips.
  • Having to rub my ass with a leaf, instead of TP.
  • Losing a bet.
  • Being dutch-oven-ed by a man I lay with.
  • Moths.
  • Having to rent a movie because IOS Hunt is down.
  • Santa not getting me anything on my Christmas list.
  • A slow internet connection.
  • Having no beer in my beer fridge.
  • When Starbucks runs out of my usual tall, blonde.
  • Tall blondes.
  • The last three Star Wars Films.
  • Make up running down my face.
  • Make up no coming off my face.
  • Tasting my own sweat.
  • Video game load times.Image
  • Having to pay for weed.
  • Having too many hangers and not enough clothes to use them all.
  • Shoes smelling like feet.
  • Trips to the dentist.
  • Deodorant stains.
  • Toothpaste stains.
  • STAINS in general.
  • JB AND MC.
  • Realizing I forgot my sunglasses while driving into a sunset.
  • Having to say Happy Holidays instead of Merry FUCKING Christmas to strangers.
  • Paying for stamps.
  • Collecting food stamps.
  • Not being able to play an instrument.
  • Soggy cereal.
  • Remembering how I used to eat cereal, but don’t anymore because it gets soggy. (Mmmmm….cereal….)
  • The fact that I get all the questions wrong on Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader. (I still firmly believe they are not children, but genius midgets fooling us all.

Okay folks,

These are just a few of MY first world problems.

What are yours?

Oh here’s another one of my first world problems: having to listen to yours.

iF VidEo GamES wErE PoRNos….

Often times in the mornings, before I am fully awake, yet I’m not quite sleeping I tend to have thoughts streaming through my mind. Some are what I call absolutely brilliant, which later in the day I realize aren’t quite so brilliant and some which are just shit, but still make me giggle as I lie in my half comatose state of mind.

This mornings thought: If video games where pornos…

Skyrim Job

Balls of Duty: BlackCocks

Left4Head

Poke-a-mom: OldImage

Super Smash Hoes.

God of Whores

Final Fantasy XXX

The Elder Holes: IV

LittleBigPenis

Twinks of Persia

Gayman: The Date Rape

Now in those early hours of the morning to me this was a GENIUS idea….now that I’ve typed it up and read it once over, i’m thinking not so much….thoughts?

The SH!T LIST

If you have been a frequent reader of my blogs, you should know by now that I am quite the list maker. I don’t only do this on a blog basis, but on other occasions too (Christmas and well no other ones come to mind).

Anyways, I’ve decided to officially write out my SHIT LIST! And what you can do to not get on it!

You see, I’m quite a forgiving person, I don’t hold grudges, (I know, I know it is not your typical female trait, but I’m not your typical female). You see folks, either it’s the simplest thing that will get you on my SHIT LIST or it can take quite the effort to get on my personal SHIT LIST! But once you are on it, you are fucking on it. LIFE SENTENCE!

 

  • ImageBACK SEAT GAMING: Now, I’m quite forgiving during these moments, for the most part. You start hollering out your damn advice when I’m shooting zombies, Argonians or whatever the fuck, I will tell you once, twice and three times to shut the front door! I find myself to be quite generous in this matter as I know for some gamers, it is very difficult to keep the trap closed when another gamer is playing out some action. BUT! You continue, you just earned a fucking achievement on my SHIT LIST! CONGRATULATIONS!
  • COMPLIMENT FISHERS: These insecure pussies, are the fuck wads always looking for compliments. I’ve come across quite a few of these broads (and it’s unfortunate that most of them are broads). Now, I wouldn’t say being a compliment fisher will get you to the top of my SHIT LIST, nor will it get you on it first time round. But if you become that person, constantly looking for my approval and trying to seek out compliments it ain’t going to happen. What will happen is probably something not so confidence-boosting spewing from my lips and a spot on my SHIT LIST!
  • BAIL OUTS: These folks are compulsive bailers. You make plans, they bail. Now this isn’t a once in a while thing, it’s all the time or at least happens so often you simply cannot rely on this person. If they want me to put a bogus star right by their name on my SHIT LIST all they have to do is cancel the day of something or give me their word they’ll be there and decide to be elsewhere in the end or coming up with some bullshit excuse.Sorry, those damn excuses do not work on me, I fucking used half of them myself. You tell me you have a cold, fuck you it’s a damn cold not the clap! You tell me someone died, well that’s unfortunate but you didn’t so get you fucking ass over here. This spot on my SHIT LIST, sorry no bail outs.
  • SKIDS: These people are skid-fucking-marks to this planet. All they are is a useless fucking stain that God wipes his ass with. They don’t shower, so that means they are dirtied up pretty good and they smell like a rotting ass. It’s revolting! I get it, we all don’t have the luxuries of fresh water and a loofah, but you all don’t have the luxury of being with me either. You dirty skiddies hike your way down my path, I’m writing your name on my SHIT LIST with the filth you roll in.
  • GOD: Pretty self-explanatory. He’s been on my SHIT LIST since ’87. We go way back.
  • OATH BREAKERS: These people are the next level bail outs. There crimes are more severe because the promises the make they can’t keep. This would be equivalent to a doctor deciding not to show up to deliver a baby. It’s bad folks! You do not want me to find out you are one of these people. In times of need and importance they don’t show. You can’t trust them to show up anything. Hell it’s a gamble if they show up for their own freak’n birthdays. These people earn a high ranking on my SHIT LIST, and that is I promise I can make!
  • MASQUERADERS: These people can’t make up their mind who or what they are. What they do is take traits from people they know or admire and mimic them. I find these people to be annoying and insecure. I’ve encounter one Masquerader and she has been on my SHIT LIST for years. I would tell interests I had and the next day she would give me a play by play of her night video gaming and painting Monet. She would purchase similar perfume and could not wait for out crimson rivers to flow in unison. Sick and fucked up this Masquerader was. Ugh…gives me chills just thinking about it.
  • BITCHES: Sorry ladies, it’s just by default everyone who wears a cunt is on it. But this gives you a chance to get off it. I’ve mentioned in previous blogs how I just naturally have a guard up around women (and no it’s not because I like the puss-puss, thank you Dr.GOFUCKYOURSELF). I just find it’s easier for me to converse with the cock and shoot the shit. Cracking wise with bitches isn’t so easy, don’t get me wrong there a some funny gals out there, but I find 75% of the time when I am trying to socialize with them girls they take it personally and the cattiness comes out. (I don’t intend to continue on this banter so…) REGARDLESS! Bitches you are on there now, but it’s easy-peasy to come of my SHIT LIST. Hell, 5$ would go a long way if you want off it! Fuck, if you own yourself a pair of piss flaps and are reading this now you are off my SHIT LIST! Congratulations! Here is a cookie!

Image

 

So there are more reasons to get on my SHIT LIST, like cupping a fart, or giving me a wet willy. BUT! I can’t reveal all of these things other wise, you guys would all smarten-up and I wouldn’t have a SHIT LIST, which could in turn potentially put you on a SHIT LIST FOR PEOPLE WHO DON’T FUCK WITH ME THEREFORE ARE ON A NON_SHIT SHIT LIST! Or something to the tune of that.

Let me know how people can earn a spot on your SHIT LIST, or at least let me know how I can.

🙂

25 Things Video Games Taught Me

FYI I am an avid video gamer, now that I currently am not working a 9-5 job I am more avidly so. That being said; I have decided to let you in on a little secret I have (and potentially most geeks and gamers alike). Here are 25 things that videos games have taught me, which I am sure after reading this you’ll want to save (manually, there is no auto-save here). Image

  1. First and perhaps the most important: DON’T BE A HERO! LEFT FOR DEAD! When playing games with zombies, RUN! You can’t kill them all.
  2. Shrooms are the perfect powerups.
  3. WoW is not a game, but a way of life. A sad one, but one nonetheless.
  4. Never trust Raiders. They will fuck you up and over. EV-ER-Y-TIME!
  5. LAG is no ones friend. Neither is Sephiroth.
  6. Hand-eye coordination! I can give a mean bitch slap. Thank you controllers!
  7. ImageThere is no re-spawn in real life. It will always be a game over!
  8. Weapon of choice: Shot Gun or Bow and Arrow!
  9. Stealth! I move in and out of shadows, dare I say a ‘mystical ninja’.
  10. Always use a deep voice when using a head set (or phone). This will allow me to not get sexually harassed. However, there are the odd times when I am in the mood for some social banter of cunt VS cock.
  11. Road rage can be dealt with using banana peels and koopa shells.
  12. Stay on the path! No sense in chancing combat with a scorpid.
  13. How to quickly and efficiently get things done (i.e- masturbation).
  14. Giving advice! All video games are full of problems and the only way to finish the game is to solve them riddles kids.
  15. There is no strategy book for life. However, there are Black Books. Don’t read them, unless you feel like getting diddled by the devil.
  16. Ocarina is not an acceptable instrument for school band.
  17. When in doubt…..SHOUT!
  18. How to make food, sleep, exercise, pay bills, get a job, buy a house, build a house, upkeep relationships, have kids, etc. My lil Simbot has grown up so much!
  19. When the Zombie Apocalypse happens (and it will I assure you) all gamers will definitely be outliving all you non-gaming folk.
  20. How to put all my shit in storage! ImageImage
  21. Having friends/alliances makes all the difference. No one can help you out if all you want to be is a lone land strider.
  22. Don’t stand by barrels. Or gas tanks or anything flammable.
  23. When in downpours or there is hard rain, RUN and HIDE! Preferably a room with one entrance and no windows.
  24. Updates!
  25. That no matter what, its doesn’t look as real as real life. Pretty freaking close though!

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The Lone Vagina

For those of you who know me, are well aware of my strong…dislike for females. Perhaps, dislike is the wrong word, hmmmm…. Lets’ see here….how shall I say….I prefer sausage over taco any day. No, this isn’t me suggesting I swing both ways you sick fucks (although I had my fun in the past), this is me saying I would rather have friends who have the cock. This is not to say I don’t have any girlfriends, but the ones who made the cut either worked for it, or earned it by default. Let me explain a little:

I currently, have three chicka’s who I love the shit out of. Two of them I met in junior high, both gals were an easy shoe in. This was because they played video games, were athletes, farted in public, would laugh and could make me laugh so hard I had to think of babies being eaten by mutant ravenous squirrels just so I wouldn’t pee in my pants. Although we are all in different parts of the world right now, every time we see each other whether once a year or once every three years it’s just the same old fun farting shit, accept this time we are women. And now our farts are deadlier! (Watch out boys).

ImageAs for my other lady friend, she lives next door! Best place to keep a bestie I say! We kind of fell into our friendship, though I do feel I put her in the ringer a little bit. Here is the thing; my man lived in a house with other men! I’m telling you this was my Barbie Dream House! I loved it because I was the only vagina walking over to the man cave for quite some time. Then a new girl started showing up. I would like to say I was a bitch to her because I was trying to protect the boys, but really I was just a territorial cunt who didn’t want to share something that was never mine. Not only was she a babe, but she liked video games, hockey and in all sense of the word a guy’s girl. Just like me.

Eventually the men moved out on their own, my man became my flat mate and his friend and the new girl/guy’s girl moved into the place beside us. We’ve been friends every since!

Man, I’m a cunt. I swear if I was a dog I would be pissing on every man I came in contact with just to let the other roaring vaginas know, THESE SAUSAGES ARE MINE!  Rarr!

I have calmed down a bit, that is to say all my feelings are the same, I just may be a little, more reserved with how I act upon them. For example; whenever a friend starts dating a new lady, inside I’m pissed because I’m no longer the lone vagina, plus competing with cunt is exhausting. Regardless of my actual thoughts on the bitch, I tell my friend I’m happy for them anyway. That is just how good a friend I am. I may just give the girl a noogie or a slap in the face, but that goes without saying.

For the longest time I thought these feelings stemmed from long term daddy issues, but then I realized my dad is awesome and I have no issues with my daddy. I also thought it was because I was the middle sister out of four. I tell you, to most men a house full of women is a dream, but in reality it’s just terrible. There is a waitlist for the morning shower, which is usually behind schedule, our crimson river’s sync up, which results in a week of PMS, the trash can filled to the ‘max’  (pun intended) and the house just smells like fish! I would rather suck the teat of a beached whale corpse than live in a house filled with women; you will not be seeing me on The Bachelor anytime soon I tell you what.

I’m starting to think that girls naturally have this territorial instinct. I just think some girl’s territorial tendencies are stronger than others. Mine, are warriors!!!!Rarr!

There is just so much about women that annoys me:

  • Perkiness, not in the booby department either. I’m talking about the Little Miss Muffet flight attendant shit. Way too goody two shoes for me.
  • Dikes! I’m not homophobic, but I’ve been hit on by way to many dikes in the past and that shit just needs to stop. Dikes as in the man ladies, not Lipstick Lesbians (those chicks I may allow/enjoy having tImagehem hit on me).
  • Sorry ladies, feminism is an eternal stream of PERIOD! I ain’t riding that wave.
  • WE ARE THE WEAKER SEX! Bitch, please! Women with cock envy are just not right in the ovaries.
  • The passive aggressive way of life.There are way too many women who are like this. WHAT THE FUCK! Be like me, fucking throw shit to get your GOD DAMN point across, don’t sob in silence hoping the douche will apologize.
  • Self-confidence is way to extreme in the ladies, meaning: some heads are gigantic and some purge their confidence in the toilet.

FUCK! there is so much more shit to say about women that I strongly don’t approve of or like, but I need to stop before I throw my computer across the table in rage of the ovary invasion. Please, don’t get me wrong, I love being the beholder of a perky set of tits and a cunt, I really do.I just feel I have the tendency to want all other women to die, and leave all men to me.

ImageAnd so I, the Lone Vagina walks alone (or among sausage).