The White Whale

Well, well, well, folks…you missed me, haven’t you? I know, I know it has been quite some time since I put my beautiful poetics on the good ol’ inter-web, but alas, the time has come. I shall name this one….

The White Whale 

A tale of a girl with a rapist’s mentality to conquer a total babe. Two years in the making! (Hint: she totally nails him…..DDAAAAAAYYYYYYUUUMMMM)


This tale starts, with a very starry eyed, lonely, horny, girl (That’s me). I was nearing the end of a relationship and my eyes were already wandering. What new crop does the world have to offer me? Now, working in an industry where I am constantly surrounded by alcohol and assholes, the world was my oyster and my oyster was definitely enjoying the hunt.

Now, I assure you, I was a good girl. While still committed to then said boyfriend, all I did was look. Then looking turned into flirting (harmless albeit), then flirting turned into touching myself thinking of other people, which turned into screwing my partner and thinking of other people, which turned into….BITCH, YOU GUESSED IT. Single Cait, at your service.

Once, I was single, I was ready to FLA-MINGLE, spread my mother fucking wings/legs and fly/ride.

One night, after a long boring ass shift, my coworker and I decided to flood down to a hole in the wall place to sip some brewskies. We sat our butts at what seemed to be the only spot available in this dive of a bar, and then……a bright light shone on yours truly and this beautiful angel of a man emanated from the…..NAH….TOTALLY FUCKING KIDDING.

Don’t worry I won’t give your hopes up. We sat down, and this dude walks over throws down his menus and says ‘Cait, what can I get you?‘ Cait?Duh fuck you mean, Cait? This handsome mother fucker knows my name?… Clearly, he saw the potentially cross-eyed and confused looked on my face and politely reminded me, I was still wearing my name tag. Smart ass.

I will say this, what I thought was our first encounter…well…my curiosity was mildly, and I will repeat mildly peaked when this blonde hair, (still don’t remember the colour of his eyes), fit, beast of a babe walked into my sights and decided to show me whose boss. Ladies, my eyes where on fire, my heart was a thumping and my vagina was tingling all over!

After a couple of cheeky beverages and some late night nasty grub, our bills were handed out. Fuck, I made maybe 80$ that night in tips and ending up spending 180$, FAAACCKKK, but YOLO so…. I give this bodacious of a server my hand, full of cash to pay my debt and he slyly whispers in my ear….“I didn’t know your name based on your name tag, I knew your name because you served me last week” MOTHER FUCKER! Not only is he sly, but he’s polite, and cheeky and a babe. A total fucking, babe….This moment, this very moment folks, is when I knew I will bang this cocky ass, one day. I will conquer him…just you wait beautiful, beefcake, just you wait…..


Flash forward to some point in the future…


My reputation as what some would call a ‘slag’ and what I would call a ‘connoisseur of men’ began circulating the town. Perfect, I thought, this is totally my in. Mr. babe-a-licious server, was quite the Casanova himself. Slutting around the New West streets, like the little man whore he is. (Fuck, surely if anyone could tap that, I could) We, were alike, two harlots, screwing left, right and centre. I’m telling you folks, you couldn’t find any other two hussies who were meant to do the sideways shuffle. Seriously, Christian Mingle couldn’t even find a more slut-tastic match. (Side Note: All of Gods children are hoes).

Every so often, my coworkers and I would head to the hole in the wall, spend all our tip money, and talk about fuck all. While these conversations were quite riveting, I was off daydreaming about Mr. Womanizing Cad. Sure enough, a few scotches in I would attempt to make these daydreams a reality. How? Well, with my wry wit of course!

hey handsome, is my vagina sweating or are you just that hawt!

hey sexy thang, I don’t need a spoonful of sugar to swallow you.

hey man of my wet dreams….. 

So what, I was completely out of practice. I haven’t had to pick up a dude since I snatched my ex up back in ’08. But, he liked it, I could tell. Obviously, he was used to being nothing but a sex object to all the  ladies (I’m sure a few of the old bags carpal tunneled the shit out their digits just thinking of him). BUT! As I was saying he liked it. I mean no I didn’t bring him home with me ever in those times, but he laughed. And you know what if that’s all I could get from this guy, I’ll take it…….for now. MUAHAHAHAHAHA….

This charade lasted two years. TWO YEARS FRIENDS! Do I have persistence or what? No man has ever resisted my charm, and as much as it drove me crazy that he was consistently shutting me down, I wanted him more. He was my the unattainable, the irresistible, he was my white whale. Call me Caitlin, I will not be left afloat, I will conquer.

Eventually the white whale left the hole in the wall, and my want to go evaporated….For a moment and only a moment I thought, maybe I won’t succeed in my mission. But only for a moment!

We surprisingly reached out to one another at some point. Sexting and sexting and more sexting and then BAM!


Haha, now it didn’t quite happen like that, but I assure you its rather dull and well, a lot of dick pics folks, a lot of fucking dick pics.

So this moment, right. This moment that I had built up in my head for two years, this moment that was supposed to be ethereal and euphoric. Ummmm….was not so. He was too much in his head. At least I thought he was. I suppose it is a lot of pressure though. You have one girl who has been wanting  you for so long and now you are concerned you can’t deliver. Fuck, I was concerned at one point he couldn’t deliver either. Eventually, he delivered all over my chest and we passed the fuck out.

Now, I’m like a ninja in the mornings. I always leave before the sun comes up. In this case, part of me wanted to stay, and the other part wanted to leave asap. I followed my other part.

So kind of awkward right. You build up all this stuff in your head of how you imagine that moment to be, and it wasn’t what you expected. Either way, my mission was accomplished. He came, I conquered.

So at some point we decided to have another go at it. We realized the first wasn’t that ideal, lets try a second. So we did, and then tried a third, a fourth, a fifth, and then when he started asking me about my family while I was riding him, I realized…..nope! Not meant to be. We gave it a go, and more than a few times, and it just ain’t in our stars to create beautiful sexy sideways sessions.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret anything. It also wasn’t terrible either, our bodies just didn’t jell. And yes, he is still on my top 10 list of booty calls, and being 7 ain’t so bad.

This, my folks…is the story of my white whale.



My Lady Problems

So being a lady, straight up I have issues. Like all people in the world no matter the race, sex, species and what have you we all got problems. Today I shall share with you my girl problems, which I am sure, if not all, most females can relate too.

  • Breaking in a new pair of high heels, never fun.
  • Breaking in a new pair of anything is never fun (unless it’s the bed).kgrhqyokjqe1y9eds0bnkpi80cgq_3
  • Once a month dilemma: do I by a bundle pack of tampons from Costco for 5$ made out of cardboard by hard-knocked little orphans in Kuwait, or do I just TP this months wave?
  • Getting drinks at a bar: Do my boobie go over the counter, or under?
  • The days when you want your girls to be free, but the weather says it’s just not in your cards.
  • Justin Beiber: Makes me embarrassed to be a woman….wait….is JB a she?
  • When guys hair is longer than mine. Unless you are a wizard or some bad ass native warrior then SNIP SNIP.
  • When it’s that time of the month: Do you remain celibate for that time period and just resort to whipping yourself of your sins or do you let the bloke ride the crimson wave with you.
  • Snorting when I laugh.Now I don’t know if this is one that I personally have or if this affects all women.
  • Thongs: Not always a win-win Especially since it’s call butt floss for a reason.
  • Waterproof mascara! Don’t come off in the rain please, but please come off in the shower.
  • Realizing that some guys aren’t your friends anymore once you get a boyfriend.
  • I own a pair of B34’s therefore, I do have balls and they are bigger than any man’s they are just located on my chest.
  • CRAMPS!!!!!
  • Adjustable shower heads are a girls best friend.
  • Sweatpants Saturday to Sunday.
  • Yoga Pants Mondays to Fridays.
  • Most orgasms start off as fake, gets them boys going and working harder, which in turn….voila….we see the light!
  • Chocolate….mmmmm….chocolate…5ho5abscpjftgugj5dr9
  • PMS!
  • The fear that one day a human baby will possibly emerge clawing from my womb as I lie in a medical bed strapped down wishing I’d have been drugged up on herbal remedies.
  • The loathing of your period coming.
  • The fear of your period not coming.
  • Tender Boobies.

Alas, sadly this is only a few of the lady problems I currently face.

Please say I am not alone ladies.


Piss Flaps, Cookie,

Beef Bucket, Pookie

Pootie-tang, Cock Socket,

Poochie, Clown Pocket,

Box, Smush Mitten,

The Mouth, Wet Kitten,

Slip and Slide,

Park and Ride

Fur Burger, Lady Parts,

Naughty Bits, Fart Heart,

Erection Correction,

Yeast’er’ Infection,

Panty Hampster, Cock Sock,

Fun Bags,  Sperm Box,

Vagine, The Nether Lips,

Pickle Taster, Peach Tips,

Cum Crack, Pound Cake,

Front Bum, Tunnel for Snakes,

Beaver, Whispering Eye,

Cunt, Hair Pie,

Velvet Pouch,  Pink Taco,

Clam, Black Hole

I could talk about this all the time-a….

This special word is 

ImageI have one, chances are if you don’t have a penis you also have one.