Cait Interrupted

Hi friends,

Alas, where do I even begin…

Monday I was admitted into emergency. Now, in my mind absolutely no real emergency whatsoever. I say this because, for the last two days I was just indifferent. I felt empty, I felt like any feeling I ever felt was gone and that for the remainder of my so-called life I would always feel just this…just…desolate. Cait’s very own wasteland. A place that used to be bumping full of energy and smiles and happy-go-lucky type shit. Now it’s just nothing. An abandoned amusement park, no longer amusing.786e44a15f57dded1b6359cd0e6cfd32

This year has been quite the rollercoaster to say the least and fuck do I ever hate using that metaphor, but it is so true. Up and down, then stalls, then up and down, then some bitch loses her phone because she’s a fucking idiot for trying to take a selfie with a phone……UGH!!!!!!!!!!! This ride isn’t fun anymore.

I called my mom on Monday. I was sad. I often call mom when I am sad. I don’t mean too, and I hate to have her feel helpless because she isn’t here, but there are only few people I feel semi-okay/butnotreally/butitstheclosestIwillgettofeelingcomfortablewithsomeone.

If mom is busy, I call the ex. Now, before you guys go to any conclusions let me explain something to you. My ex and I have been broken up for two years now. In the beginning I would do my best not to call him in these moments, simply because I didn’t want him to feel used. I didn’t want him to feel like I only called him because for 8 years we were together and it was routine, it was comfort. However, he knows me. He knows I’m incredibly stubborn, he knows I hate feet, he knows the scars on my body (inside and out), he knows about my secret obsession with nutcrackers (shhhhh it’s a secret!). He just knows me. He perhaps, is my closest confidant.

On Monday, after being on the phone with my mom, I called the ex. We decided it was time to take me in. Where folks? TO THE LOONY BIN OF COURSE! Kidding! I get I’m crazy, but I am not quite girl interrupted yet. Hospital it is.

On the way to there, I was thinking two things: 1) This isn’t a real emergency? 2) So craving a Happy Meal…

We get there and it isn’t busy one bit. Thank gawd too. I would hate to have someone with a machete in their head or someone birthing a goat have to wait on me just because I am having a sad, sad day.

I was shocked. And I don’t know why I was so shocked, but when I got there everyone was so comforting. The nurses seem to genuinely care about my well being. They didn’t want me to leave, they didn’t want me to feel sadness anymore, they truly wanted to help me. So much in fact they bumped me up before a sick baby. Sorry sick baby, but Cait’s a baby too….

They brought me in to see a psychoanalyst. I forget her name, but she was quite lovely. They also brought in a general physician.I was broken friends. I couldn’t stop feeling sad, I couldn’t stop crying. How did I let it get to this point? ME! Cait the mother fucking great, the toughest cookie in town was crumbling.

I talked to ….lets call her Miss Lovely (psychoanalyst). She truly was lovely. She seemed to have compassion for me, she wanted to understand, she genuinely was listening to all my words and ramblings. She asked me questions, upon questions, but for once I didn’t mind. She asked me about my drug use, I was honest. About my diet, I was honest, about any past or present relationships and in that I tried not to share. I tried not to be honest, but in the end she knew the whole story.

Miss Lovely, then talked to the ex. Since he knows me best, sometimes I think better than I know myself. They both came in a short time later.

I will now be going to an outpatient treatment center. Just to have someone to talk to once 3a51a-depressiontwo8-2in awhile. Someone who can hopefully help me sort out my shit. Someone who is either willing or at least paid to listen to my stories (and I got lots of them stories).

It was funny, on the drive home, the ex turn towards me and… Miss Lovely was so fuck foxing, I should got her number….ugh!!!!! BOYS!!! We had a laughed. He dropped me off, helped cleaned my place a bit, tucked both Bear and I into bed and then it was Tuesday. A new day, still a sad one, but then it’ll be Wednesday, then Thursday, and if it’s true what They say (who ever They are), every day gets better. And I’ve finally taken steps to get better myself.

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It’s Been Awhile

Miss me folks? I know it’s been awhile, like two and a half fucking months awhile…well here’s the deal. I’ve been meaning to write, and by meaning to I mean I have been writing, furiously in fact, unfortunately not to you lovely birds, but alas, that has all changed.

So here’s the deal. I’m insane, full on looney bin material. Cray-cray I tell you what! Let’s start with, well the beginning of the summer shall we?

July 12th or something like that I quit my job. So for those of you who don’t know I currently, work as an actor, writer and model in Vancouver, but when I am not doing such things I am/was working as an assistant manager at an out of school day care facility.

I loved the job, and when I say loved the job I was absolutely captured by it. I loved the flexibility of the schedule that came with it, I loved the nature of it and most importantly I loved the kids. Absolutely so! Unfortunately, in all actuality it was not meant to be.  For everything I loved about it, there were at least two things I strongly disliked. Now, I know many people have a job they despise with a boss who is heavily medicated for their “ass-hole-ness”, but this job, trained the life out of you completely.

You see, this job was perfect! My employer and I made a deal that whenever a gig came up that involved me modeling or acting I was able to take time ‘off’. Not only that, but I worked with kids my entire life, so spending time with them and getting paid was essentially an Oscar away from a dream. I loved these little kidlets.

I started working at the facility April 2010 and come fall 2010 I was promoted to Assistant Manager, now for some that may seem like quite an accomplishment, but with staff changing more than me changing in a day (PS I change at least three times a day), it wasn’t that much to look up to.

Regardless, I established a great relationship with the parents and an amazing relationship with the children. I’m telling you, these kids were absolutely the most innovative and hilarious kids I have ever worked with. I knew, one day I would leave the facility to pursue my ultimate goal of being an actor, but I didn’t realize how soon it would come, not only how soon, but how it wouldn’t be to pursue my dream, but pursue taking a stand and not putting up with anymore bullshit.

Bullshit of course coming from the management side. Now, let’s be just be clear here, if only for a moment. My employer, as a person was crazy and potentially bi-polar, however despite my diagnosis and I assure you I am no doctor, she was a pretty cool lass. She was an older lady, clinging to her youth in mock-up fashions and belated trends. Some may call her passionate; I call it off her meds. Now in a work place as you all know, things are professional and should not be personal. No matter how constructive I attempted to be she took my advice personally and no matter how cynical and personal she was with me in ‘advice-giving’ I did my best to take it professionally, but from time to time it was rather difficult.

I looked up to her in the way that a future committed to an asylum person would look up to her. But over the years the relationship became, tense and purely unrelenting. I would come home every night complaining about my boss, I would speak to co-workings complaining about my boss and they would do the same. In fact the facility was full of complaints from children, co-workers, school teachers and parents regarding my boss, but what could I do?

I in so many words approached my boss, using poetics to sugar coat how her behavior was, but she wasn’t getting it and simply danced around it more than I did. So I continued to allow her to make a fool of herself when I fool was needed, and often times when it was not needed. I guess in some selfish way it made me feel better about myself, especially, when parents and teachers would comment on her antics. Of course though, as I am a lady with an ego, I attempted yet again to let her know to simmer down, pop a pill and get laid, just so it didn’t look like I was working with someone from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. This time not so poetic, and still she danced around.

So with a mentally unstable boss, she hired her kind, mentally unstable people. Not to worry, she did hire some golden ones, some perhaps with more competence than she. But for every golden staff there were two morons being hired. It was only a matter of time before the staff worth keeping was dropping like flies.

While all this was going on, not only was the boss of her rocker, but she completely broke it. She would say things, and not remember saying them, or tell me one thing and tell another staff something completely different. Not only that but, whenever she made a mistake, she took no ownership, passed it on to someone else. She led staff members with a leash and I was no dog. I was tired of her treating staff like plantation servants!

Alas, there is so much I can say, but just venting about this is sucking the life out of me. But allow me to finish here.

I was very loyal and honest to my employer. I was willing to learn and grow as a youth worker and person. But there was only so much I could take, before I was busting from the seams with fury. So long story short (and trust me this is the short version) I quit. I didn’t want to quit. I knew it was coming at some point, just a year earlier than expected.

I love those kids, absolutely so. And now that school is beginning my heart goes out to them and their parents. I wish them all the best and wish that I would have been able to say the good-bye, ‘see you later’ that I wanted too.

PS: Dear Friends, this venting has ended, now for more of my usual fucked up blogs!