So here is the deal.
I guess you could say, I am still ‘newly’ single, I haven’t been on any dates or bumped naughty bits with a stranger….yet… One of my pups is now with the ex, while I kept the other one and the cat. The ex’s stuff is mostly moved out, a few random artifacts still floating around, which will soon be on eBay if he doesn’t collect. Oddly, enough, my feelings didn’t truly hit me until the ex took away my friend, the Xbox 360. This my friends was a sad, sad day because I ultimately realized, I am lonely as fuck.
Am I depressed? Nah, but the herbs and potions help me out with that. They are all just rainbows and unicorns to me.
Do I listen to Whitney Houston’s All By Myself and cry myself to sleep? Yes, however I have cut it back to Sunday’s since the neighbours that I was harboring puppies under my stairs.
Now that I am single, it feels like everyone has someone. Before when I was in a relationship it seemed like everyone was single and living in the golden days. Clearly, nothing gold can stay, thank you Ponyboy.
I have friends and I also have ‘friends’, But in all honesty it just doesn’t feel like it is enough. Sure, I go out from time to time and force myself to socialize. But really, all I am thinking about is going home, lying in bed and feeling sorry for myself. I even find myself pushing my friends away which makes me feel even more shittier and lonelier. Cait, The Littlest Hobo.
Although being out and among the Plebeians is probably what is best for me. Sometimes I would rather just not exist. I would rather go home, sit my ass on the couch and play vids. Which reminds me, Goodbye XboX.
So I chose to be single. I didn’t choose to be lonely. But here is the thing. When I was in a relationship, I wasn’t alone, but I indeed was lonely. I felt like I lost a core group of friends in the early years of the relationship. My new friends, were his friends, which then became our ‘friends’, which now is back to the way it started, his friends. Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t steal them or call dibs, sometimes that is just the way it goes. I also do have my own friends, although few and far between. But that is the way I like it.
Siri by the way, is the worst friend ever. All she does is lead me down dark alleys and on roads that don’t exist. She makes fun of my still ever present Ontarian accent and has since stopped talking to me. Siri=worst friend ever.
I’m tired of hugging myself.
I wish my pillow would cuddle me back.
I’ve created multiple personalities just to keep me company. Though half the time they make fun of me.
I’ve started turning to resources to help me. I was looking up on the good ol’ internet How to Cure Loneliness. It was suggested that I go on a date….hold on wait for it….with myself. Like seriously, just no. If anything I will feel more sad, more lonely and the restaurant will run out of liquor. Straight up.
It also suggested to seek out other lonely people. Um, I don’t know about you but that really just sounds like the saddest party ever. I would probably have better luck at AA.
The internet also suggested I should stop using my cat as my shrink. All I’m wondering is how did it know that.
I will say that through all of this. I do find that I am doing more with myself and learning more about myself. For instance, I’m usually in bed around 10 or so (that is of course when I am not working). I wake up before my alarm around 7. Barrie (my pup) and I cuddle in bed. We now fit it more walks with each other. My house, is my house. And just the way I like it.
I know that this is a process. And right now I may be feeling down in the dumps, but I know or at least can hope that it will get better. It will get easier. So that being said, I’m okay with letting the lonely in.